“I don’t even know what happy feels like anymore”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Therapy for sure. My kids have my depression and anxiety what has helped is my being open about it. I take medication and they do not but they know that’s an option and they know I waited far too long to try medication and that it’s made a huge difference in my life. I also am type A personality and I get overwhelmed very easily (too much noise etc.) they’re similar. They’re teens so only so much of this I can help them with but they know I meditate, they both have the calm app on phones, I need alone time when overwhelmed, exercise is key, sometimes playing with the dog and taking a bath or long shower is more important than getting an A on the test, nutrition, your daughters eating would really worry me, we talk about how food makes us feel , too much sugar making us feel horrible, sodas etc. need for a lot of water. We really emphasize relationships, spending time as a family, doing outdoor things (skiing, rafting, tennis, hiking, biking). Having a few good friends versus getting caught up in the whole popular thing. Being comfortable by yourself, alone versus lonely. We encourage silliness. This is the gift that returned to my life when I went on medication. I was ridiculously serious my whole life starting as a small child. Now I frequently embarrass my kids with “dancing like nobody is watching” and other general silliness. I work at being lighthearted as contradictory as that may be. I also believe strongly in vitamin D, Bs and folate to help those of us with more complicated chemistry.

What medication has worked for you?

[Anonymous]

I don't have any knowledge but as a former 14 year old girl, I think it's really nice that you cried. I am hopeful for you both that things will seem better soon!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The words out of my 14-year-olds daughters mouth as I drive her home from a friends house.

She’s been a fairly anxious and sensitive child since she was pretty young. She has my wife’s Type A perfectionism and my anxiety and depressive tendencies.

The past 3 or 4 years have been rough. Since she’s started puberty I’ve become her enemy. We are so similar we butt heads. Often I feel like my wife encourages this divide. I’ll attempt to bond or connect with DD and my wife will shut it down. She’ll dismiss me as not understanding, often “it’s a girl thing”. My younger daughter is 12 and there doesn’t seem to be the same issues. We get along great, she’s a much easier going kid.

My 14-year-old behaviors have really concerned me. She has an eating disorder, although not one you’d consider traditional. She has had stomach issues since she was 6 or 7 (result of anxiety) and it’s manifested into her being super controlling over food. She also has a major phobia of getting sick. So she mainly only eats French fries, sometimes she’ll eat toast or an apple as well. I’ve been unsure how to handle this, I’ve been concerned from the beginning and my wife dismissed me and says, “she’s a picky eater”. My daughter is about 5% for weight and 90% for height. She’s severely anemic and has episodes of passing out my wife blames on menstruating although they often don’t coincide. She’ll lie to the doctor about my daughters symptoms and diet. I’ll push, that it’s become a big issue and I’m met with a lot of hostility from my wife and daughter. My daughter also is such a perfectionist she can not handle not being “perfect” in school. She’ll stay up 6 hours all night studying and be dead tired in the morning. I think she needs the sleep, wife says she’s just an dedicated student. If she does do poorly in anything she has a complete breakdown. We’ve both pushed her academically and now I feel like it’s backfired. She’s very smart and a great student but she dedicated so much time to school she puts self care and a social life as secondary. My wife seems to be proud of these attributes. I don’t understand. I don’t know what do do. I’m constantly dismissed when I see all these huge warning signs. I see so much of myself in my daughter. I struggled with horrible depression as a teen and young adult. I want her to get the help I never did.

“I don’t even know what happiness feels like”

Was her response when I asked her what would make her happy. I had to pick her up from a friends after she complained of a stomachache. She’s has very frequent stomachaches. She just looked lifeless as I drove her home, refusing to talk to me. I just asked her if she was happy, how I could make her happy and that was her response.

I couldn’t help but cry. She cried. We cried. She opened up a little more, but not a lot. She’s struggling and I feel like I’m the only one concerned.

I need help.

As someone who had an eating disorder and anxiety and depression as a teen, I agree that she needs therapy (even if just for a couple of months). Best is someone who specializes in teens or at least has a lot of experience with them (I have a recommendation for someone in Friendship Heights if you want)

I would also suggest calling her pediatrician -- ask for a chat on the phone first, laying out your fears (and make sure to mention the passing out) and then see if you and your wife can go meet with the pediatrician. Tell the pediatrician that you and your wife have some different views and need to discuss.

Afterwards, you may want to schedule an appointment with a nutritionist.

I also like PP suggestion to just spend a lot of time with her, even doing mundane stuff.

Good luck. You sound like a concerned parent and on the right track. These mid-teen years can be very very hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Therapy for sure. My kids have my depression and anxiety what has helped is my being open about it. I take medication and they do not but they know that’s an option and they know I waited far too long to try medication and that it’s made a huge difference in my life. I also am type A personality and I get overwhelmed very easily (too much noise etc.) they’re similar. They’re teens so only so much of this I can help them with but they know I meditate, they both have the calm app on phones, I need alone time when overwhelmed, exercise is key, sometimes playing with the dog and taking a bath or long shower is more important than getting an A on the test, nutrition, your daughters eating would really worry me, we talk about how food makes us feel , too much sugar making us feel horrible, sodas etc. need for a lot of water. We really emphasize relationships, spending time as a family, doing outdoor things (skiing, rafting, tennis, hiking, biking). Having a few good friends versus getting caught up in the whole popular thing. Being comfortable by yourself, alone versus lonely. We encourage silliness. This is the gift that returned to my life when I went on medication. I was ridiculously serious my whole life starting as a small child. Now I frequently embarrass my kids with “dancing like nobody is watching” and other general silliness. I work at being lighthearted as contradictory as that may be. I also believe strongly in vitamin D, Bs and folate to help those of us with more complicated chemistry.

What medication has worked for you?

I take Wellbutrin and occasional Xanax

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a side note, why is everybody dismissing her stomach issues? My DD has GERD, it presents a lot like you describe. She had it since she was a kid, and yes food issues come with it hand in hand. Why lying about her stomach issues? Is your wife from a culture/or just crazy mind set that skinny is beautiful? Anyway, it is generally more common that older child will identify and "like" opposite gender parent more, I have observed this in almost all families I know. Which makes me wonder why is there a lack of bond between you two? Were you absent for a while? Are you divorced and not living with them? Something about your post is off.

I dismissed her stomach issues because OF COURSE someone who exists on french fries will say their stomach hurts. The girl has terrible nutrition. Fix that and maybe her stomach issues will go away.

Maybe not. Maybe she is eating French fries because they are not spicy and while they are oily, might not cause her issues. She might be eating potatoes because they don't cause her issues, potatoes are one of the top foods for people with gastritis.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a side note, why is everybody dismissing her stomach issues? My DD has GERD, it presents a lot like you describe. She had it since she was a kid, and yes food issues come with it hand in hand. Why lying about her stomach issues? Is your wife from a culture/or just crazy mind set that skinny is beautiful? Anyway, it is generally more common that older child will identify and "like" opposite gender parent more, I have observed this in almost all families I know. Which makes me wonder why is there a lack of bond between you two? Were you absent for a while? Are you divorced and not living with them? Something about your post is off.

I dismissed her stomach issues because OF COURSE someone who exists on french fries will say their stomach hurts. The girl has terrible nutrition. Fix that and maybe her stomach issues will go away.

Maybe not. Maybe she is eating French fries because they are not spicy and while they are oily, might not cause her issues. She might be eating potatoes because they don't cause her issues, potatoes are one of the top foods for people with gastritis.

Because of ALL the things in OP's post, it appears stress, anxiety and emotional regulation are the primary and most significant concerns. And, her stomach issues are most likely related to her mental health. If they are not, they can be addressed later. The priority is to address the unhappiness, anxiety and rigidity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a side note, why is everybody dismissing her stomach issues? My DD has GERD, it presents a lot like you describe. She had it since she was a kid, and yes food issues come with it hand in hand. Why lying about her stomach issues? Is your wife from a culture/or just crazy mind set that skinny is beautiful? Anyway, it is generally more common that older child will identify and "like" opposite gender parent more, I have observed this in almost all families I know. Which makes me wonder why is there a lack of bond between you two? Were you absent for a while? Are you divorced and not living with them? Something about your post is off.

I dismissed her stomach issues because OF COURSE someone who exists on french fries will say their stomach hurts. The girl has terrible nutrition. Fix that and maybe her stomach issues will go away.

Maybe not. Maybe she is eating French fries because they are not spicy and while they are oily, might not cause her issues. She might be eating potatoes because they don't cause her issues, potatoes are one of the top foods for people with gastritis.

Because of ALL the things in OP's post, it appears stress, anxiety and emotional regulation are the primary and most significant concerns. And, her stomach issues are most likely related to her mental health. If they are not, they can be addressed later. The priority is to address the unhappiness, anxiety and rigidity.

Yes, of course those come first. I just wanted to say that these shouldn't be overlooked either. I know that my Dd with severe gastritis issues since birth, is irritable, anxious, on the move, and that she often acts like this because she is in pain from her stomach. It was just something to take into consideration and hopefully rule it out. Just a perspective. As for other issues, I wish I had helpful advice, but I don't, so I just offered what I could.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a side note, why is everybody dismissing her stomach issues? My DD has GERD, it presents a lot like you describe. She had it since she was a kid, and yes food issues come with it hand in hand. Why lying about her stomach issues? Is your wife from a culture/or just crazy mind set that skinny is beautiful? Anyway, it is generally more common that older child will identify and "like" opposite gender parent more, I have observed this in almost all families I know. Which makes me wonder why is there a lack of bond between you two? Were you absent for a while? Are you divorced and not living with them? Something about your post is off.

I dismissed her stomach issues because OF COURSE someone who exists on french fries will say their stomach hurts. The girl has terrible nutrition. Fix that and maybe her stomach issues will go away.

Maybe not. Maybe she is eating French fries because they are not spicy and while they are oily, might not cause her issues. She might be eating potatoes because they don't cause her issues, potatoes are one of the top foods for people with gastritis.

Because of ALL the things in OP's post, it appears stress, anxiety and emotional regulation are the primary and most significant concerns. And, her stomach issues are most likely related to her mental health. If they are not, they can be addressed later. The priority is to address the unhappiness, anxiety and rigidity.

I don't think so. I think any stomach issues and iron need to be addressed first -- the girl is PASSING OUT!? Don't discount how much additional unhappiness she is feeling bc she doesn't physically feel well and energetic -- she may not even realize how bad she feels physically.

[Anonymous]

I just wanted to say OP that if you are thinking of counseling and maybe even a psychiatrist, it can take months to get an appointment once you find a doctor who is taking patients. So you might want to start looking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a side note, why is everybody dismissing her stomach issues? My DD has GERD, it presents a lot like you describe. She had it since she was a kid, and yes food issues come with it hand in hand. Why lying about her stomach issues? Is your wife from a culture/or just crazy mind set that skinny is beautiful? Anyway, it is generally more common that older child will identify and "like" opposite gender parent more, I have observed this in almost all families I know. Which makes me wonder why is there a lack of bond between you two? Were you absent for a while? Are you divorced and not living with them? Something about your post is off.

I dismissed her stomach issues because OF COURSE someone who exists on french fries will say their stomach hurts. The girl has terrible nutrition. Fix that and maybe her stomach issues will go away.

Maybe not. Maybe she is eating French fries because they are not spicy and while they are oily, might not cause her issues. She might be eating potatoes because they don't cause her issues, potatoes are one of the top foods for people with gastritis.

Because of ALL the things in OP's post, it appears stress, anxiety and emotional regulation are the primary and most significant concerns. And, her stomach issues are most likely related to her mental health. If they are not, they can be addressed later. The priority is to address the unhappiness, anxiety and rigidity.

I don't think so. I think any stomach issues and iron need to be addressed first -- the girl is PASSING OUT!? Don't discount how much additional unhappiness she is feeling bc she doesn't physically feel well and energetic -- she may not even realize how bad she feels physically.

Because she's been like this for so long I have no doubt the DD doesn't realize how badly she feels. Her mother has as many, if not more, mental health issues as her DD does - lying to the doctor about the DD's symptoms and diet!? But, the 'stomach issues' cannot be treated without addressing the mental health issues. You clearly have limited experience with mental illness.

[Anonymous]

Op, it is so wonderful that you are looking for ways to help your daughter before it escalates to something potentially horrible happening. Our DD was hospitalized earlier this year for strong depression and anxiety, suicidal thoughts. Medication has changed her life. As it did for me when I started taking it 5
years ago. She is currently on 75mg of Zoloft a day. SSRI’s are great because they work well and aren’t as strong/side-effect inducing as some of the other families of anti-depressants and anti-anxiety meds. The main negative with SSRI’s is the sexual side effect of it tending to block orgasms. But that’s not an issue for our DD right now so Zoloft is working well. I switched to Wellbutrin which has less sexual side effects, but it’s not as consistent for me as Zoloft in keeping breakthroughs of high stress and anxiety from happening. The main goal is to have the highs and lows be in a usual range...she’d still have all the normal reactions to situations, just not at the extreme levels she’s feeling now.

Best of luck with your DD and please keep us posted!

[Anonymous]

We found Ensure chocolate or vanilla helps with stomach issues too, and delivers nutrients.

[Anonymous]

Also wanted to add...DD is also working with a therapist in addition to meds, and th combo of therapy and meds is very successful for her. Started off with twice a weekappts, then once a week, now every other week unless she needs an appt. Finding a therapist your DD really clicks with is key. If she doesn’t with the first one, keep trying until you find the right fit. It really makes a difference in the success.

Unfortunately the therapist can’t prescribe meds, and trying to get in with a psychiatrist can be rough. Long waits. But many pediatricians will prescribe SSRI’s since they are milder. You can call the ped office, find out if they prescribe SSRI’s and if so, set up a depression/anxiety consult with her pediatrician.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a side note, why is everybody dismissing her stomach issues? My DD has GERD, it presents a lot like you describe. She had it since she was a kid, and yes food issues come with it hand in hand. Why lying about her stomach issues? Is your wife from a culture/or just crazy mind set that skinny is beautiful? Anyway, it is generally more common that older child will identify and "like" opposite gender parent more, I have observed this in almost all families I know. Which makes me wonder why is there a lack of bond between you two? Were you absent for a while? Are you divorced and not living with them? Something about your post is off.

I dismissed her stomach issues because OF COURSE someone who exists on french fries will say their stomach hurts. The girl has terrible nutrition. Fix that and maybe her stomach issues will go away.

Maybe not. Maybe she is eating French fries because they are not spicy and while they are oily, might not cause her issues. She might be eating potatoes because they don't cause her issues, potatoes are one of the top foods for people with gastritis.

Because of ALL the things in OP's post, it appears stress, anxiety and emotional regulation are the primary and most significant concerns. And, her stomach issues are most likely related to her mental health. If they are not, they can be addressed later. The priority is to address the unhappiness, anxiety and rigidity.

I don't think so. I think any stomach issues and iron need to be addressed first -- the girl is PASSING OUT!? Don't discount how much additional unhappiness she is feeling bc she doesn't physically feel well and energetic -- she may not even realize how bad she feels physically.

Because she's been like this for so long I have no doubt the DD doesn't realize how badly she feels. Her mother has as many, if not more, mental health issues as her DD does - lying to the doctor about the DD's symptoms and diet!? But, the 'stomach issues' cannot be treated without addressing the mental health issues. You clearly have limited experience with mental illness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a side note, why is everybody dismissing her stomach issues? My DD has GERD, it presents a lot like you describe. She had it since she was a kid, and yes food issues come with it hand in hand. Why lying about her stomach issues? Is your wife from a culture/or just crazy mind set that skinny is beautiful? Anyway, it is generally more common that older child will identify and "like" opposite gender parent more, I have observed this in almost all families I know. Which makes me wonder why is there a lack of bond between you two? Were you absent for a while? Are you divorced and not living with them? Something about your post is off.

I dismissed her stomach issues because OF COURSE someone who exists on french fries will say their stomach hurts. The girl has terrible nutrition. Fix that and maybe her stomach issues will go away.

Maybe not. Maybe she is eating French fries because they are not spicy and while they are oily, might not cause her issues. She might be eating potatoes because they don't cause her issues, potatoes are one of the top foods for people with gastritis.

Because of ALL the things in OP's post, it appears stress, anxiety and emotional regulation are the primary and most significant concerns. And, her stomach issues are most likely related to her mental health. If they are not, they can be addressed later. The priority is to address the unhappiness, anxiety and rigidity.

I don't think so. I think any stomach issues and iron need to be addressed first -- the girl is PASSING OUT!? Don't discount how much additional unhappiness she is feeling bc she doesn't physically feel well and energetic -- she may not even realize how bad she feels physically.

Because she's been like this for so long I have no doubt the DD doesn't realize how badly she feels. Her mother has as many, if not more, mental health issues as her DD does - lying to the doctor about the DD's symptoms and diet!? But, the 'stomach issues' cannot be treated without addressing the mental health issues. You clearly have limited experience with mental illness.

Sorry cant just write off stomach troubles and severely low iron that is causing physical symptoms to talk to some therapist about how mama pressures her too much. Start with the medical work up -- a good MD will ask the stress/anxiety questions too. They don't treat kids like they treat adults -- many more drs. are willing to talk with kids to get to the bottom of stuff, not just draw blood and send them on their way.