When you're not the favorite child due to bigotry and you know it...

[Anonymous]

I am in my late twenties and have a challenging relationship with my family. Simply put, they are stereotypical Trump supporters and put me through absolute hell during my teenage years. This includes abusing me for being a lesbian and allowing me to be sexually abused. Luckily, I've actually done well so far in my career and have made friends who understand my experiences. However, I'm still in contact with my family and am able to see how they treat my teenage brother compared to how they treated me at that age and the differences are night and day. I was always known as the nicer and more diligent kid and appear to have similar aptitude to him, but they treat him like he has unlimited potential and spoil him silly. He gets tons of hand holding and is given practically anything he wants. When I was that age, I was punished into praying the gay away and treated like I was stupid despite 98th percentile SAT scores and being more accomplished than him on paper. I am also aware of how this past treatment has limited me socially and to some degree, professionally because I learned to view myself in the worst possible light and also lost friends from growing up due to homophobia. I realize it's not healthy to carry past pain with me but I feel like I'm reaching a bit of a boiling point with my family. I have stood up to them and expressed very clearly how I feel and they're in complete denial while still being homophobic and sexist. What should I do at this point? I went to therapy for a few months and it was very helpful in allowing me to make sense of my experiences and learn how to stand up for myself, but my family is still the same. I hope that when I'm in a long term relationship I can spend more time with my significant other's family, but feel like I'm getting frustrated by the stagnation in the meantime.

[Anonymous]

The only thing you can do is build a life rich with chosen family. I'm sorry that you had all those painful experiences, and that your parents can't see how they hurt you. Maybe your brother will also turn out well despite the spoiling, but for now you really need to look elsewhere for family.

[Anonymous]

They are homophobic sexist Trump supporters. You need to distance yourself, limit your time with them, and try to make strong friendships. You can't change them. FYI, your brother will probably be worse off as a result of the coddling and hand holding.

[Anonymous]

It's not them. It's you.

[Anonymous]

They believe homosexual activity is a sin and living in sin day in and day out will send you to hell for eternity. They are probably heartbroken about it. By accepting and supporting your lifestyle they would be basically shoving you into hell. If they believe the bible then they are showing you love by trying to save you from hell.

[Anonymous]

Why do you still have a relationship with them? They sound horrid, and not worth your time or emotional energy. I would cut them out of my life without a backward glance.

[Anonymous]

“Simply put, they are stereotypical Trump supporters”

... But your FAMILY is judgmental, not you at all.

Grow the hell up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am in my late twenties and have a challenging relationship with my family. Simply put, they are stereotypical Trump supporters and put me through absolute hell during my teenage years. This includes abusing me for being a lesbian and allowing me to be sexually abused. Luckily, I've actually done well so far in my career and have made friends who understand my experiences. However, I'm still in contact with my family and am able to see how they treat my teenage brother compared to how they treated me at that age and the differences are night and day. I was always known as the nicer and more diligent kid and appear to have similar aptitude to him, but they treat him like he has unlimited potential and spoil him silly. He gets tons of hand holding and is given practically anything he wants. When I was that age, I was punished into praying the gay away and treated like I was stupid despite 98th percentile SAT scores and being more accomplished than him on paper. I am also aware of how this past treatment has limited me socially and to some degree, professionally because I learned to view myself in the worst possible light and also lost friends from growing up due to homophobia. I realize it's not healthy to carry past pain with me but I feel like I'm reaching a bit of a boiling point with my family. I have stood up to them and expressed very clearly how I feel and they're in complete denial while still being homophobic and sexist. What should I do at this point? I went to therapy for a few months and it was very helpful in allowing me to make sense of my experiences and learn how to stand up for myself, but my family is still the same. I hope that when I'm in a long term relationship I can spend more time with my significant other's family, but feel like I'm getting frustrated by the stagnation in the meantime.

There's a difference between carrying past pain and remaining in a situation where you are being disrespected and/or abused.

It's okay to move on from your family of origin. You've done what you can, and that's enough. You are enough. Being "family" doesn't give people the right to treat you like shit. You're an adult now, and you can choose your family.

Look after yourself, and surround yourself with people who are good to you. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Do you have friends, OP? Because if you have good friends who support you, perhaps this is the time to distance yourself a little from your family. Or if you have family members who love you for who you truly are, reach out to them.

This has nothing to do with your brother. It's not his fault he is parented another way. All this is squarely on your parents' shoulders. I know it's hard to see them act this way, but for now there is nothing you can do except lead as happy a life you can for yourself.

[Anonymous]

Op I think you need more therapy to get over your jealousy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am in my late twenties and have a challenging relationship with my family. Simply put, they are stereotypical Trump supporters and put me through absolute hell during my teenage years. This includes abusing me for being a lesbian and allowing me to be sexually abused. Luckily, I've actually done well so far in my career and have made friends who understand my experiences. However, I'm still in contact with my family and am able to see how they treat my teenage brother compared to how they treated me at that age and the differences are night and day. I was always known as the nicer and more diligent kid and appear to have similar aptitude to him, but they treat him like he has unlimited potential and spoil him silly. He gets tons of hand holding and is given practically anything he wants. When I was that age, I was punished into praying the gay away and treated like I was stupid despite 98th percentile SAT scores and being more accomplished than him on paper. I am also aware of how this past treatment has limited me socially and to some degree, professionally because I learned to view myself in the worst possible light and also lost friends from growing up due to homophobia. I realize it's not healthy to carry past pain with me but I feel like I'm reaching a bit of a boiling point with my family. I have stood up to them and expressed very clearly how I feel and they're in complete denial while still being homophobic and sexist. What should I do at this point? I went to therapy for a few months and it was very helpful in allowing me to make sense of my experiences and learn how to stand up for myself, but my family is still the same. I hope that when I'm in a long term relationship I can spend more time with my significant other's family, but feel like I'm getting frustrated by the stagnation in the meantime.

The first thing you should have learned in therapy is that the only person you can change or control is yourself. Of course your family is still the same. They will likely always be the same.

[Anonymous]

OP, cut them off. Maybe when your teen brother is an adult you can be friends with him if he doesn't turn out like your parents. These people have nothing to offer you but more pain. Find friends that can become your family.

Honestly, straight white people will not get what you are going through because most of them have never been marginalized. You can tell by the responses you are getting here.

Build a diverse group of friends and therapy, therapy therapy!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, cut them off. Maybe when your teen brother is an adult you can be friends with him if he doesn't turn out like your parents. These people have nothing to offer you but more pain. Find friends that can become your family.

Honestly, straight white people will not get what you are going through because most of them have never been marginalized. You can tell by the responses you are getting here.

Build a diverse group of friends and therapy, therapy therapy!

Ummm excuse me? I'm 19:29 above who said to move on from her family of origin because she shouldn't stay in a situation where she's disrespected. And that she can choose her family. So I basically said the same thing as you. I'm also straight and white. So that was a pretty rude thing to say. If you find yourself being regularly disrespected then maybe you should consider how much you've been disrespecting other people too, rather than rushing to blame others for being racist or whatever.

FWIW I've also moved on from my family of origin.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, cut them off. Maybe when your teen brother is an adult you can be friends with him if he doesn't turn out like your parents. These people have nothing to offer you but more pain. Find friends that can become your family.

Honestly, straight white people will not get what you are going through because most of them have never been marginalized. You can tell by the responses you are getting here.

Build a diverse group of friends and therapy, therapy therapy!

Ummm excuse me? I'm 19:29 above who said to move on from her family of origin because she shouldn't stay in a situation where she's disrespected. And that she can choose her family. So I basically said the same thing as you. I'm also straight and white. So that was a pretty rude thing to say. If you find yourself being regularly disrespected then maybe you should consider how much you've been disrespecting other people too, rather than rushing to blame others for being racist or whatever.

FWIW I've also moved on from my family of origin.

Stop centering yourself in this. The marker of a straight, white woman. It is not rude to tell you that. Straight white women hurt feelings are SO difficult to deal with. Moving from your family of origin does not make you a member of a marginalized population. You will never understand it. You are very lucky.

Many, many Americans ARE racist, by the way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, cut them off. Maybe when your teen brother is an adult you can be friends with him if he doesn't turn out like your parents. These people have nothing to offer you but more pain. Find friends that can become your family.

Honestly, straight white people will not get what you are going through because most of them have never been marginalized. You can tell by the responses you are getting here.

Build a diverse group of friends and therapy, therapy therapy!

Thank you, PP (and to others who have shown support). I think on some level I just expected better from them at this point in time but it seems completely lost on them that they caused a tremendous amount of pain that they still won't take seriously.