Should I contact my half siblings?

[Anonymous]

Adopted:I located my bio maternal family years ago. We are friendly, yet cordial. I have several half siblings there, as well as other relatives. Bio mother is deceased. Recently, through DNA, I've located the paternal side. Many half siblings and huge extended family. Father is long deceased. I
was a product of an affair...probably not known about. Hesitant to contact them. What would this do? Why upset people?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Adopted:I located my bio maternal family years ago. We are friendly, yet cordial. I have several half siblings there, as well as other relatives. Bio mother is deceased. Recently, through DNA, I've located the paternal side. Many half siblings and huge extended family. Father is long deceased. I
was a product of an affair...probably not known about. Hesitant to contact them. What would this do? Why upset people?

I should mention that I have no romantic fantasies about being welcomed as a sibling. It doesn't really work that way. We are also not young.

[Anonymous]

Not if you were a product of an affair. I'd be hesitant too, especially if they don't know about it. I'm assuming they also did the DNA so they could contact you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not if you were a product of an affair. I'd be hesitant too, especially if they don't know about it. I'm assuming they also did the DNA so they could contact you.

No, I was able to do this by connecting more distant relations to the family tree that held the info I needed, then with further sleuthing figured out exactly who he was and the maternal side confirmed. Additionally, I am not available on these sites for contact. Also, half siblings are often listed as possible first cousins, so it would all not be readily available unless they knew exactly who or what they were looking for.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: I'm assuming they also did the DNA so they could contact you.

is this kind of “reveal” automatic or are there various privacy settings...? Is it possible op’s info wasn’t shared with them?

[Anonymous]

OP here. None of the siblings did their DNA, or it isn't listed. I found the family through more distant relatives.

[Anonymous]

I don’t know about your specific situation, OP, but I will relate the experience of a friend.

She is in the exact same situation. Adopted and product of an affair. She did the DNA testing and was able to identify half siblings. She initially thought they were cousins. She contacted them and in her email, she began by saying she understood if they did not respond. They did. In fact, it was one of the people she contacted that helped her figure out they weren’t cousins, but half siblings. They had thought their father had an affair when they were young. They live on the other coast. A few months ago, she visited them to meet them. They have become quite close in such a short time. For her, it was the right thing to do. They have been able to help her “fill in some gaps” about her history.

[Anonymous]

We recently went through this. My husband discovered a previously unknown uncle who it appears was the product of a fling.

I'll have to admit he was fairly well received, but it's been a bit bumpy at times.

Here's what I would advise, don't contact them now, wait until after the New Year.

Don't expect much, there's a good chance they won't be interested, may not even believe your story. It's definitely opening a can of worms.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We recently went through this. My husband discovered a previously unknown uncle who it appears was the product of a fling.

I'll have to admit he was fairly well received, but it's been a bit bumpy at times.

Here's what I would advise, don't contact them now, wait until after the New Year.

Don't expect much, there's a good chance they won't be interested, may not even believe your story. It's definitely opening a can of worms.

OP, this is good advice. Hit the pause button and reconsider in the new year. Don't contact them now, as the holidays are starting--holidays can be stressful even if things are positive and normal, and can be fraught with emotion for some people; adding sudden news of a previously unknown sibling from a possibly previously unknown affair could cause them to react very negatively. Waiting until a less emotionally weighted time of year could be better for you all.

Consider well what you do or don't want from contact. Do you want a relationship? Do you "just feel they should know" you exist and you won't mind if that's all that comes of it? Consider too that they might have no inkling of the affair and you would be telling them something they can't unlearn that they may not have wanted to know. I'm not saying don't contact but I'm saying consider all angles carefully. You will be altering their lives irrevocably. It could be for good, or not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We recently went through this. My husband discovered a previously unknown uncle who it appears was the product of a fling.

I'll have to admit he was fairly well received, but it's been a bit bumpy at times.

Here's what I would advise, don't contact them now, wait until after the New Year.

Don't expect much, there's a good chance they won't be interested, may not even believe your story. It's definitely opening a can of worms.

OP, this is good advice. Hit the pause button and reconsider in the new year. Don't contact them now, as the holidays are starting--holidays can be stressful even if things are positive and normal, and can be fraught with emotion for some people; adding sudden news of a previously unknown sibling from a possibly previously unknown affair could cause them to react very negatively. Waiting until a less emotionally weighted time of year could be better for you all.

Consider well what you do or don't want from contact. Do you want a relationship? Do you "just feel they should know" you exist and you won't mind if that's all that comes of it? Consider too that they might have no inkling of the affair and you would be telling them something they can't unlearn that they may not have wanted to know. I'm not saying don't contact but I'm saying consider all angles carefully. You will be altering their lives irrevocably. It could be for good, or not.

Sure, that is why I left it here- to get some kind of general opinion. I actually decided not to at all. However, some of my friends disagree. I am aware that many people have notions of huge reunions and tears, etc. I think my friends think that will happen. Others think it is basic knowledge that everyone should be aware of. It is nothing romantic, in my view. Unlike my maternal side, who knew all about this adoption and was not at all surprised, this may be a wrecking ball into their perceptions of their family. I don't want to be the ugly messenger, and to be truthful- I am weary of being the living embodiment of a giant horrible inconvenience to all these families, who, btw, had nothing to do with what happened. They owe me nothing. I don't have issues- I am the regular person living next door- not battling feelings of depression or addictions. I am fairly pragmatic*. I had a good life, and my parents were good adoptive parents. They are also gone....they knew nothing about my findings at any time.

*(I am more worried about politics now than this...LOL)

But, here is what is interesting. I was adopted, so these DNA services really just helped me get to what I wanted to know about who I was. The big thing I am seeing is that DNA is now blowing open millions of perceptions of families in the past. There were a lot of affairs..and men were able to keep all these secrets until now.

People are now learning that they are not related to their father, that someone else was their mother, etc., and that they have other half siblings all over. Maybe it is time for people to learn who they are. Keep in mind, I grew up a few miles away from a lot of siblings from both sides. What if I dated one? What about the future as we go ahead...future generations?

My friend recently learned that she has quite a bit of Ashkenazi DNA-and she thought she was African and Hispanic. She is now finding out amazing things...her story is far more fascinating than mine- and mine is kind of interesting.

But, yes, as I mentioned, I have no romantic notions of anything, and I am not expecting anything. I am not a young person, either. I guess this is the question: Do they have a right to know? I also may not be the only missing sibling, I'll bet.

[Anonymous]

OP, if I were your half sister, I would want to know you.

[Anonymous]

My uncle just find his birth father's family via DNA testing. It turned out his half siblings had looked for him for years. They were very welcoming and it's been a great experience for him.

[Anonymous]

No. They have their lives and you gave yours. Leave them alone

[Anonymous]

OP I have a very similar story. Adopted at birth. Birth father was married to someone else and had older children. Through the DNA test I found 5 half siblings from the father. He was an identical twin and a dna test showed up that my first cousin was actually a half sibling (due to the fact that both fathers shared 99.9% of the dna). The cousin called me that night when my results came through and became the one that called the oldest half sibling. She called me the next day and was obviously kind of surprised but had no conceived notions that her father was a saint. The first day a spoke with her she described out father like a character out of Madmen. She called the 4 others. Since I have been in contact with most of them. Half of them contact on a regular basis through text and email. 2 of them (the youngest of the birth father's other children) are less than friendly, one claims it's because of her mom.

Good luck OP, would love to hear how it turns out for you. It's been fascinating to see what we all share in common. Oldest sister and I have the same career and are both top in our respective areas in said job. So interesting.

[Anonymous]

How old are you? How old are they?