Should I contact my half siblings?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How old are you? How old are they?

Old. Like, Senior discount old. Like "who is that person in the mirror?" old, but young inside my head. Siblings range from 10 years younger to 8 to 10 years older than me.

[Anonymous]

I think i would do it just out of curiosity, with no expectations. I might start with one person and posit it as a possible cousin and see how it goes. There's such a wide range of possible responses it's hard to even know what might happen. But if you're not young, then presumably there's a level of maturity there. I think that may move this into the realm of curiosity (for your siblings) rather than shocking and upsetting.

I agree with your musings. I'd guess I'd just say that affairs and the like and resulting children have been happening since the beginning of humanity, so there's nothing unusual. In terms of growing up near unknown relatives - well, that's been going on too, and I bet even some dating and marriages amongst relatives. And I bet, some older members of the family being jerks about relationships but never sharing why they didn't like the new boyfriend/girlfriend - because they knew it was actually a cousin or other relative but couldn't tell!

[Anonymous]

The way I see it, just because you share a parent with your half-siblings it doesn't mean anything. You guys didn't grow together and they just might resent your existence. Don't burden them with the knowledge of a lovechild.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think i would do it just out of curiosity, with no expectations. I might start with one person and posit it as a possible cousin and see how it goes. There's such a wide range of possible responses it's hard to even know what might happen. But if you're not young, then presumably there's a level of maturity there. I think that may move this into the realm of curiosity (for your siblings) rather than shocking and upsetting.

I agree with your musings. I'd guess I'd just say that affairs and the like and resulting children have been happening since the beginning of humanity, so there's nothing unusual. In terms of growing up near unknown relatives - well, that's been going on too, and I bet even some dating and marriages amongst relatives. And I bet, some older members of the family being jerks about relationships but never sharing why they didn't like the new boyfriend/girlfriend - because they knew it was actually a cousin or other relative but couldn't tell!

Sure, it has been going on forever, but now the game is up. DNA changed it all..no one can hide anymore. Secret affairs, closed and sealed adoptions..those days are over.

[Anonymous]

I am guessing you were born in the 1950s or earlier before birth control and abortion became widely available.

We have SEVERAL stories like this in my family. Usually the father was serving in the military at the time.

I think it was pretty common back then but of course people covered it up.

[Anonymous]

Following with interest.

I myself was adopted and have found my birth family, who had no idea I existed (long story); it was a happy reunion. I also have a child I adopted whose birth parents had an affair that produced my amazing kid. Her half siblings are much older than she is, and I've always wondered what would happen if she found them (she's currently too young to search and after my own experience, I personally wouldn't recommend it until she's at least 18).

Wish you luck and peace, OP, from a fellow adoptee.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am guessing you were born in the 1950s or earlier before birth control and abortion became widely available.

We have SEVERAL stories like this in my family. Usually the father was serving in the military at the time.

I think it was pretty common back then but of course people covered it up.

Oh, there are still many instances of this in the 60s and 70s. It didnt let up abortion wise or bc wise until the early 80s. A little better in the 70s, but not fully there yet. However, the amount of babies bartered and taken from mothers in the 40s, 50s, and 60s because of social mores is staggering. The stories out of Ireland and heavily Catholic areas here are heartbreaking.

[Anonymous]

What is your goal? What do you hope to gain?

[Anonymous]

I recently found my half-sister through Ancestry DNA. My mom had signed papers to surrender her for adoption but was told by the (evil) nuns in the home for unwed mothers where she was sent in secret that the baby had been born deformed and later died. (They were apparently looking to extract maximum guilt/penance from her.)

My mom is dead now and it breaks my heart that she never knew her daughter was healthy and fine. It's been really lovely to know her and get to know her kids and husband. We are still a bit tentative with each other but like each other a lot and text a few times a week.

When I did Ancestry DNA, it definitely occurred to me that I might find a sibling that my dad had fathered at some point. And while that would be disturbing, I would certainly want to know that a sibling existed and would be happy to share our family history with him/her. And who knows...it could be a meaningful relationship. It's good that you have low expectations and don't assume a storybook ending, but I think maybe you assume it would only be bad, and I don't think that's true.

My sister's daughter looks just like my mom. It is eerie because neither of us look like her. But there is something primal and kind of wonderfully satisfying in seeing my mother in her, and she loves seeing photos of my mom as a younger woman. They are all interested in the family history. I'm so glad to have this family mystery resolved, or, at least, illuminated. Maybe your half siblings would be, too. They're adults. Give them some credit for being able to know their family's truth?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I recently found my half-sister through Ancestry DNA. My mom had signed papers to surrender her for adoption but was told by the (evil) nuns in the home for unwed mothers where she was sent in secret that the baby had been born deformed and later died. (They were apparently looking to extract maximum guilt/penance from her.)

My mom is dead now and it breaks my heart that she never knew her daughter was healthy and fine. It's been really lovely to know her and get to know her kids and husband. We are still a bit tentative with each other but like each other a lot and text a few times a week.

When I did Ancestry DNA, it definitely occurred to me that I might find a sibling that my dad had fathered at some point. And while that would be disturbing, I would certainly want to know that a sibling existed and would be happy to share our family history with him/her. And who knows...it could be a meaningful relationship. It's good that you have low expectations and don't assume a storybook ending, but I think maybe you assume it would only be bad, and I don't think that's true.

My sister's daughter looks just like my mom. It is eerie because neither of us look like her. But there is something primal and kind of wonderfully satisfying in seeing my mother in her, and she loves seeing photos of my mom as a younger woman. They are all interested in the family history. I'm so glad to have this family mystery resolved, or, at least, illuminated. Maybe your half siblings would be, too. They're adults. Give them some credit for being able to know their family's truth?

Nice perspective.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What is your goal? What do you hope to gain?

Not a lot, As I said, I am not planning on doing it. However, I have been challenged by those who feel that
1. I will be fulfilled by having a relationship with siblings
2. I might not have a relationship, but there is a lot to learn that will impact my life and my children's lives..and their children's lives.
3. That the siblings have a right to know.
4.For health reasons

So, I thought I would throw this out there for opinions. Right now, I am only seeking general opinions on the topic as my goal. To be sure, these DNA services have really changed perceptions of families. Perhaps we should follow this trajectory to its true purpose.

[Anonymous]

I'm in a similar situation, and have not contacted my half-siblings, because I'm still not sure if I am ready for that relationship to open up. However, I have considered sending something like:

"Hello, I found you through such and such a site, and it appears that we are related via such and such a relative. I was adopted at birth, and am interested in learning about or meeting my biological family. I understand that this might be a surprise - even an unwelcome one. So here is my contact information, if you would like to get in touch, but please do not feel obligated."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm in a similar situation, and have not contacted my half-siblings, because I'm still not sure if I am ready for that relationship to open up. However, I have considered sending something like:

"Hello, I found you through such and such a site, and it appears that we are related via such and such a relative. I was adopted at birth, and am interested in learning about or meeting my biological family. I understand that this might be a surprise - even an unwelcome one. So here is my contact information, if you would like to get in touch, but please do not feel obligated."

Yes, that is what I did with the other side. Do you think you will, PP? What is keeping you from opening that relationship. Just curious..I don't know many other adopted people.

[Anonymous]

19:44 poster here. It's totally a personal thing if you decide to do it or not OP. When I opened it up thoughts of what to do of dcurbanmom back in October I had received a lot of really negative feedback telling me to stay out of the lives of he half siblings and don't rock their boat. As I mentioned in my post, it hasn't been that way at all. I went into it with very low expectations based on experiences of a friend. It has truly been fascinating to find out who I look like or where unique talents myself or my kids have comes from. Minus the brother that was also adopted, I don't see myself having family holidays with the 1/2 siblings but that wasn't what I was looking for.