What to do when you get the silent treatment from someone close (not family).

[Anonymous]

My closest friend for many years has stopped responding to all phone calls and texts. We normally talk at least every couple days. It's been almost two weeks. I sent her a text stating that I knew I had offended her in some way and that I treasured her friendship and would like to talk. Nothing. All I can think is she was mad cause I teased a mutual friend for voting for Trump at a dinner party. He hasn't kept it a secret but one couple didn't know and expressed shock. He wasn't offended but she asked to shut down political talk. She is not a Trump supporter but I suppose she might have thought I went too far.

[Anonymous]

I think the only thing you can do is wait it out. It may not be about you. I am having a hard time and sometimes shut some people out.

I also think folks are allowed to make fun of trump and hillary and everyome else. Maybe the personal attack went a little too far. Or maybe it caused problems. I can't talk politics in my work, so I usually wait for other people to mention something. And I still may not say anything.

[Anonymous]

I consider the silent treatment to be emotional abuse, so I would proceed as such.

[Anonymous]

I think the silent treatment is immature and extraordinarily passive aggressive. I'm always shocked when someone does this to people that they are supposedly close to (best friend, spouse, relative). I"d probably tell her that she needs to either tell you what's wrong, or risk destroying your friendship. Evaluate whether you need someone like this in your life, she really needs to grow up. What you describe doesn't even sound like it was her business--teasing another friend shouldn't even result in her being upset.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the silent treatment is immature and extraordinarily passive aggressive. I'm always shocked when someone does this to people that they are supposedly close to (best friend, spouse, relative). I"d probably tell her that she needs to either tell you what's wrong, or risk destroying your friendship. Evaluate whether you need someone like this in your life, she really needs to grow up. What you describe doesn't even sound like it was her business--teasing another friend shouldn't even result in her being upset.

This. All of it. Someone who chposes not to respond to you when you reached out like that is not worth your time. If you see her out somewhere, I’d be polite as i would with a stranger. I would not engage her.

[Anonymous]

Are you sure she's doing well? If she and her family are in good health, then she's not worth your time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the silent treatment is immature and extraordinarily passive aggressive. I'm always shocked when someone does this to people that they are supposedly close to (best friend, spouse, relative). I"d probably tell her that she needs to either tell you what's wrong, or risk destroying your friendship. Evaluate whether you need someone like this in your life, she really needs to grow up. What you describe doesn't even sound like it was her business--teasing another friend shouldn't even result in her being upset.

I agree with this too. A long time ago, my best girlfriend, who I considered a sister, suddenly stopped speaking to me. To this day I have no idea why. I tried to reconcile the relationship for a while to no avail. It took me years-decades even-to realize that the issue was not with me. If she had a problem with me or with something I'd done, then she should have been mature enough to discuss it with me.

I remember how upset I was realizing the friendship was over and there was nothing I could do. It was very painful and I'm sorry that you are experiencing this too.

[Anonymous]

I got dumped by a close friend. I don't really understand why. She's doing well. It hurt for a while. But it's something women do.

[Anonymous]

Maybe she is really busy. It might not be about you.

[Anonymous]

OP, consider that you and the friend is broken up.

We had something similar happen with a cousin. We were surprised at first, but moved on. Life's too short. You can't please everyone.

[Anonymous]

You're playing dumb, that's what you're doing at the moment. You need to apologize specifically. You state a suspicion as to of why she's unhappy with you. (I wouldn't be but this is about your friend ..) If she can't forgive you, in time, maybe you weren't as close friends as you thought.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe she is really busy. It might not be about you.

Yes, because she has to hunt and gather for her food, chop the wood to cook it and then go to the well to fetch the water to wash the dishes. And she’s running a Fortune 500 company. She has absolutely zero minutes to write a 10 word text and press send.

[Anonymous]

My own Mother did this to me as punishment when I was a child.

I can still remember how awful it felt to have my own parent not respond to me when I really needed to talk things out.

So I may be prejudiced, but if a friend did this to me then that would be it.

The friendship would be toast.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My own Mother did this to me as punishment when I was a child.

I can still remember how awful it felt to have my own parent not respond to me when I really needed to talk things out.

So I may be prejudiced, but if a friend did this to me then that would be it.

The friendship would be toast.

This is enlightening. I am the freeze out friend. I simply stopped returning the calls. My verbally abusive, crashing drunk father did the same to me my entire life. He'd decide to not speak to me for days, even up to a month sometimes. I've never made the connection until now. I've hurt so many former friends. I see friendship w other women as a lose-lose proposition and so I keep my so called friends at arms length and never do any of the work to maintain the relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My own Mother did this to me as punishment when I was a child.

I can still remember how awful it felt to have my own parent not respond to me when I really needed to talk things out.

So I may be prejudiced, but if a friend did this to me then that would be it.

The friendship would be toast.

This is enlightening. I am the freeze out friend. I simply stopped returning the calls. My verbally abusive, crashing drunk father did the same to me my entire life. He'd decide to not speak to me for days, even up to a month sometimes. I've never made the connection until now. I've hurt so many former friends. I see friendship w other women as a lose-lose proposition and so I keep my so called friends at arms length and never do any of the work to maintain the relationship.
[b]

NP, not the PP above.

Is that OP replying (bolded section)? Whether or not it's OP -- it's fantastic that you've seen this about yourself. It's rare and difficult to become self-aware like you describe. Please, going forward, keep that consciousness alive and put in the work to maintain friendships. And consider whether you can go back to some of those former friends and re-start things -- some may indeed shut you out or be angry and lash out, so be ready for that response. But others (and you can figure out who they are) may be quite understanding and want to pick up the friendship again. Believe me on this. Been there.

Also, bolded PP or OP....if you aren't already, please talk to a therapist about this so you can build on this revelation and deal with the impact your father has had on your life. You CAN be a person who isn't so influenced by your past but you need to work on that, with a professional. You can do it. I think you should be proud of yourself today for this admission. You're freeing yourself step by step and will be a better friend for it.

To the OP: Contact this friend and be direct. Say that you haven't had any replies and are concerned about her and about your friendship. Say clearly, "I haven't heard from you since we saw X and Y, when I made those comments about Trump and you asked me to cool it. Did that cause you to want to cool off contact with me? If that is what happened -- I truly apologize. I did not mean to be rude, stir the pot, or cause conflict, but if it upset you or caused you problems with X/Y--that is on me. I don't want to alienate you. I was wrong." The words "I was wrong" and "I apologize" work wonders. If you can't get those words out, if you really feel that you did nothing wrong, well, you may have lost the friendship. I think it's OK to say "I was wrong" even if the situation was one where you feel your joking wasn't wrong, but it elicited the wrong reaction; that's still your responsibility, to me.

I'd script out what you want to say, then be prepared to hear silence for a bit. But I also would try not to do this by text (awful, awful way to communicate--no one can hear "tone" or read your facial expression and it's far too easy to toss off an instant and cold reply). E-mail isn't much better but at least you can write a more detailed message via e-mail. In person would be best, by phone second best. Do you and she ever talk on the phone or is everything text and maybe e-mail between you unless you're together? Is there any way you can text her (if she really only texts) and say you would like to see her over coffee (keep it short in case things go badly) and apologize because you realize you upset her--?