What to do when you get the silent treatment from someone close (not family).

[Anonymous]

I'm going through this with a friend. In our last couple of interactions she seemed extraordinarily busy and stressed, so I'm giving it time.

[Anonymous]

This happened to me at WORK. I was given the silent treatment by a co-worker. Very strange. I've been in the workforce 29 years and never had this happen.

When people do stuff like this, they are acting out using the very tools they learned as a child. My co-worker was upset and her "go-to" was the silent treatment. I'm guessing she grew up in a family where this was an accepted response to conflict. She does this with others, but I had never been on the receiving end. She is thawing now and talking to me a little, three months later.

Very bizarre and I cannot imagine going through life doing that to people. No one in my family of origin does this, nor does my husband. It's such a strange response, especially in a work setting, and it's totally learned behavior.

Family systems theory was the most helpful class I took years ago. You can see this multi-generational stuff play out, even in the workplace.

[Anonymous]

You absolutely drop them like a hot potato, crossing them off the list as a friend.
If you want, tell her this is the final chance but after that the friendship is over.


It’s such a weird and offensive thing to do. A friend in grad school did this for unknown reasons and we never spoke again.
I used to get together with a mom and her kid and she started not speaking to me when our kids got together and I think she thought we’d keep meeting - she was wrong. It was so weird and hostile. I gave it a few weeks and then no more. I feel bad for her kid.
These ladies were both Indian - is that a cultural thing amongst Indians? I cannot imagine being someone’s spouse in this kind of case.

I have a lot of friends so it was no sweat for me, but I can’t imagine what I would feel if this was a close friend.
I know that I wouldn’t want this to be happening to me more than once so I’d get another friend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This happened to me at WORK. I was given the silent treatment by a co-worker. Very strange. I've been in the workforce 29 years and never had this happen.

When people do stuff like this, they are acting out using the very tools they learned as a child. My co-worker was upset and her "go-to" was the silent treatment. I'm guessing she grew up in a family where this was an accepted response to conflict. She does this with others, but I had never been on the receiving end. She is thawing now and talking to me a little, three months later.

Very bizarre and I cannot imagine going through life doing that to people. No one in my family of origin does this, nor does my husband. It's such a strange response, especially in a work setting, and it's totally learned behavior.

Family systems theory was the most helpful class I took years ago. You can see this multi-generational stuff play out, even in the workplace.

My childhood friend did this to her mother and her mother let it go on for months. Her adult life has not been particularly socially successful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I consider the silent treatment to be emotional abuse, so I would proceed as such.

Yup.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the only thing you can do is wait it out. It may not be about you. I am having a hard time and sometimes shut some people out.

I also think folks are allowed to make fun of trump and hillary and everyome else. Maybe the personal attack went a little too far. Or maybe it caused problems. I can't talk politics in my work, so I usually wait for other people to mention something. And I still may not say anything.

But honey, people aren’t going to ‘wait it out’ for you while you act weird. You need some counseling to learn some better interpersonal skills.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You're playing dumb, that's what you're doing at the moment. You need to apologize specifically. You state a suspicion as to of why she's unhappy with you. (I wouldn't be but this is about your friend ..) If she can't forgive you, in time, maybe you weren't as close friends as you thought.

She does not need to ‘apologize specifically’ because her weirdo friend is freezing her out for unknown reasons.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're playing dumb, that's what you're doing at the moment. You need to apologize specifically. You state a suspicion as to of why she's unhappy with you. (I wouldn't be but this is about your friend ..) If she can't forgive you, in time, maybe you weren't as close friends as you thought.

She does not need to ‘apologize specifically’ because her weirdo friend is freezing her out for unknown reasons.

Did you actually read all that she posted? She says she has an idea of why the friend may not be talking to her. This isn't about unknown reasons; OP has an inkling. She should bring that up and ask if that's the issue, and apologize (she teased a mutual friend about politics and it seems to have created an unpleasant vibe and the now-silent friend seems to have asked her to stop). If that's the issue, it's right for OP to bring it up specifically and say she is sorry. If it's not the issue, and OP brings it up, at least she will have tried to open a dialogue for her friend to say, the real problem is so-and-so instead.

[Anonymous]

In my 20s a friend did this to me over something I can’t recall. I tried to get him to come around a few times over the course of a year ago and then stopped. We haven’t spoken since.

Now (in my 30s), I’d make 1-2 attempts to reconcile immediately and then quit. Don’t waste the energy on someone with such an immature way of communicating.

[Anonymous]

Close friend did this to me almost a year ago, gave a weird reason when I asked honestly if I'd done something to upset her. We are now friendly again -- the occasional lunch and text -- but nowhere near as close as we were, which makes me sad. I have made peace with the fact that I am really not the problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My own Mother did this to me as punishment when I was a child.

I can still remember how awful it felt to have my own parent not respond to me when I really needed to talk things out.

So I may be prejudiced, but if a friend did this to me then that would be it.

The friendship would be toast.

This is enlightening. I am the freeze out friend. I simply stopped returning the calls. My verbally abusive, crashing drunk father did the same to me my entire life. He'd decide to not speak to me for days, even up to a month sometimes. I've never made the connection until now. I've hurt so many former friends. I see friendship w other women as a lose-lose proposition and so I keep my so called friends at arms length and never do any of the work to maintain the relationship.
[b]

NP, not the PP above.

Is that OP replying (bolded section)? Whether or not it's OP -- it's fantastic that you've seen this about yourself. It's rare and difficult to become self-aware like you describe. Please, going forward, keep that consciousness alive and put in the work to maintain friendships. And consider whether you can go back to some of those former friends and re-start things -- some may indeed shut you out or be angry and lash out, so be ready for that response. But others (and you can figure out who they are) may be quite understanding and want to pick up the friendship again. Believe me on this. Been there.

Also, bolded PP or OP....if you aren't already, please talk to a therapist about this so you can build on this revelation and deal with the impact your father has had on your life. You CAN be a person who isn't so influenced by your past but you need to work on that, with a professional. You can do it. I think you should be proud of yourself today for this admission. You're freeing yourself step by step and will be a better friend for it.

Hi. I'm the freeze out friend and NOT OP. Thanks for your kind response. I am in therapy and it's been a long road. Had to switch courses when I finally treated my likely lifelong depression. Switched from working out specific issues with my past to confronting the present, feeling miserable and worthless. I'm in a much, much better place and on meds.

I tend to see maintaining relationships as burdensome. It's a miracle that I have been married 18 years. My world is quite small. I am in sales and one of those upbeat, energetic, friendly coworkers. I have lovely manners, am outgoing, funny and have been called warm and gracious. Sounds great, but I always, always seem to miss out on making friends organically (no friends from college, no friends from former jobs) or, most painfully, I'll have the chance to befriend someone (book club) and I'll stay on the fringe or just quietly stop going or being involved, telling myself I'm annoyed or want to be left alone. Anyway, all will be revisited in therapy.

[Anonymous]

OP here. We are both invited to a dinner party with a group of couples later this week and she still has not made contact. I'm considering skipping the party as I would prefer not to meet her face to face with this going on. She has pulled the silent treatment on me in the past and then pretended as if nothing had happened. She has lots of friends. I just have a few but I would never do this to someone I considered close unless their behavior had been beyond the pale towards me personally. My husband wants me to go but why should I subject myself to what feels like humiliation?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. We are both invited to a dinner party with a group of couples later this week and she still has not made contact. I'm considering skipping the party as I would prefer not to meet her face to face with this going on. She has pulled the silent treatment on me in the past and then pretended as if nothing had happened. She has lots of friends. I just have a few but I would never do this to someone I considered close unless their behavior had been beyond the pale towards me personally. My husband wants me to go but why should I subject myself to what feels like humiliation?

Just GO - you are invited to a dinner party. Good opportunity to become closer friends with someone else. Unless you two are the only guests, go and have fun. Don’t let her crappy behavior alter your life anymore .

[Anonymous]

Apologize and ask if she'd like to go for coffee to talk about it. That's the best you can do. I'd appreciate if a friend approached a snafu like that.

If she rebuffs, then forget her and find new friends. It could be you've both outgrown this particular friendship. Maybe you're not on the same page anymore, and that's ok. It doesn't make either of you bad people, just means maybe you're. It a good fit for each other's lives anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. We are both invited to a dinner party with a group of couples later this week and she still has not made contact. I'm considering skipping the party as I would prefer not to meet her face to face with this going on. She has pulled the silent treatment on me in the past and then pretended as if nothing had happened. She has lots of friends. I just have a few but I would never do this to someone I considered close unless their behavior had been beyond the pale towards me personally. My husband wants me to go but why should I subject myself to what feels like humiliation?

Just GO - you are invited to a dinner party. Good opportunity to become closer friends with someone else. Unless you two are the only guests, go and have fun. Don’t let her crappy behavior alter your life anymore .

And please - stop trying to make contact with her. You tried - now you should move on and concentrate on finding a better friend group.

I had a ‘frenemy’ who managed to be nice to many people but who was unfriendly to me at times- she would do stuff like invite people to her house for an event and not invite me, even talking about it in front of me. We did a sport together where I organized the team and she would cancel at the last minute for no good reason (drinking wine?) and we would be left short players even after I would scramble to find a replacement for her.
One day I had enough and I dropped her from the team because I couldn’t stand it anymore and she stopped talking to me.
I worked to get some new participants for the team and consequently my whole world opened up with new friends that actually cared about me and were fun and considerate and it’s made a huge difference in my life. It’s literally been the funnest 15 years of my life in so many ways and I have what I would consider lifelong friends that mean something to me.
Don’t be afraid to change things that aren’t working, OP.