Reply to What to do when you get the silent treatment from someone close (not family).

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]My own Mother did this to me as punishment when I was a child.

I can still remember how awful it felt to have my own parent not respond to me when I really needed to talk things out.

So I may be prejudiced, but if a friend did this to me then that would be it.

The friendship would be toast.[/quote]

[b]This is enlightening.  I am the freeze out friend.  I simply stopped returning the calls.  My verbally abusive, crashing drunk father did the same to me my entire life.  He'd decide to not speak to me for days, even up to a month sometimes. I've never made the connection until now.  I've hurt so many former friends.  I see friendship w other women as a lose-lose proposition and so I keep my so called friends at arms length and never do any of the work to maintain the relationship.  
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NP, not the PP above.

Is that OP replying (bolded section)? Whether or not it's OP -- it's fantastic that you've seen this about yourself. It's rare and difficult to become self-aware like you describe. Please, going forward, keep that consciousness alive and put in the work to maintain friendships. And consider whether you can go back to some of those former friends and re-start things -- some may indeed shut you out or be angry and lash out, so be ready for that response. But others (and you can figure out who they are) may be quite understanding and want to pick up the friendship again. Believe me on this. Been there.

Also, bolded PP or OP....if you aren't already, please talk to a therapist about this so you can build on this revelation and deal with the impact your father has had on your life. You CAN be a person who isn't so influenced by your past but you need to work on that, with a professional. You can do it. I think you should be proud of yourself today for this admission. You're freeing yourself step by step and will be a better friend for it.

To the OP: Contact this friend and be direct. Say that you haven't had any replies and are concerned about her and about your friendship. Say clearly, "I haven't heard from you since we saw X and Y, when I made those comments about Trump and you asked me to cool it. Did that cause you to want to cool off contact with me? If that is what happened -- I truly apologize. I did not mean to be rude, stir the pot, or cause conflict, but if it upset you or caused you problems with X/Y--that is on me. I don't want to alienate you. I was wrong." The words "I was wrong" and "I apologize" work wonders. If you can't get those words out, if you really feel that you did nothing wrong, well, you may have lost the friendship. I think it's OK to say "I was wrong" even if the situation was one where you feel your joking wasn't wrong, but it elicited the wrong reaction; that's still your responsibility, to me.

I'd script out what you want to say, then be prepared to hear silence for a bit. But I also would try not to do this by text (awful, awful way to communicate--no one can hear "tone" or read your facial expression and it's far too easy to toss off an instant and cold reply). E-mail isn't much better but at least you can write a more detailed message via e-mail. In person would be best, by phone second best. Do you and she ever talk on the phone or is everything text and maybe e-mail between you unless you're together? Is there any way you can text her (if she really only texts) and say you would like to see her over coffee (keep it short in case things go badly) and apologize because you realize you upset her--?[/quote]

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