Wife is about to leave me, don’t know what to do

[Anonymous]

My wife is looking to end our marriage. I have been unfaithful. Not with a person in particular, but I have an ugly online cam habit in that I pay for these online sex cam websites every now and then. My wife and I haven’t been intimate in a long time. Part of that is my fault for frequenting these sites. Not the first time she caught me either. Promised her last year I’ll stop using, which I did, but then I get lonely and horny and I’m looking at them again.
I somehow justify it as just porn personalized porn. I don’t know their names and it’s a transaction to me. But I understand why she’s unhappy abou it.

We’ve had a long relationship and it’s been a rollercoaster. She cheated on me years ago and that almost ended out relationship. She was remorseful, she changed. I didn’t get over it for a long time and we stopped having sex. I just couldn’t. And then it became a way of life. She didn’t want to push me, but also never tried very hard to entice me. She’s been a great partner since, while I’ve acted out. I never cheated with another woman in person, like an emotional affair. I’ve just been looking at viewing porn and these camgirl sites. But I know it hurts her and still did it.

I was out on a business trip and she saw my cc statement. Told me not to come back home etc, so I got a hotel. Been 4 days and I think it’s finally over.

[Anonymous]

Why do you want to stay married?

You both sound super immature.

[Anonymous]

Do you have kids?

[Anonymous]

Sounds like you should look for an apartment.

[Anonymous]

You punished her for infidelity by cutting off sex years ago, then started this porn habit that you lied and said you'd quit the first time you got caught, and still in your post you blame her for not "enticing" you to have sex with her instead of your hand?

I hope it's over for real. You sound vindictive and immature.

[Anonymous]

He did not punish her, he just could not have sex with her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He did not punish her, he just could not have sex with her.

He said it was because he couldn't get over her cheating. That's punishment. But you can classify it however you want: even if your interpretation is true, then what's to save here? Why be upset at the end of a marriage that effectively ended years ago?

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you two aren't able to bring out the best in each other, and already have a lot of relationship baggage at this point. If there are no kids I would let each other go to find better suited partners. In DC men have pretty good odds on the dating market, so there's that.

Do whatever it takes to kick that cam habit though. Even if you have to go on a date every night. For your own sake. Don't let the breakup cause you to fall into that dark hole.

[Anonymous]

Sorry op.

If you want to save your relationship, it would be a lot of work. But it could be worth it. After all, how is finding someone new to love any easier. Either way, you have to work on your issues.

She may not trust you anymore. Do everything you can to work on that. See your screen habit in that reflection. It breaks trust. It’s not ok in 99.999% of relationships. Go through addiction therapy. Seriously I know guys who are doing this. You have to work to create new patterns and positive habits.

A relationship is there when you actively show your love to someone. Even if the physical element is broken right now, she love in other ways. And show love physically in small ways (If welcome).

[Anonymous]

People are so judgmental on here. As if no relationship suffers from problems.
Op, sorry to hear your marriage is falling apart. Sounds like you two have been on the brinks for a long time. You clearly love her, which is why you stayed with her. It’s harder for men to get over infidelity it seems, and clearly it stuck with you.

I wish you all the best. Porn can be destructive For a marriage. It creates a vacuum and you’ve developed a habit. But I don’t think she should leave you for it. I think she should be working with you. You forgave her and that was with a person

[Anonymous]

The best thing to do is focus on you. Figure out why you picked up the cam girl habit. Yes, she cheated, but the healthy way of dealing with it- especially since she was remorseful- was to either repair the marriage or, if you were unable to get past the cheating, end things. Instead, you scammed the system- got the perks of keeping your wife around without the emotional entanglement, and got your rocks off elsewhere. You have unhealthy coping mechanisms and need to figure out *why* you do this and how to stop it.

Ask yourself- is your motivation to get your wife back, or to better yourself and have a happy, fulfilling life no matter what happens? The former isn't enough- you will do the bare minimum then slip back into your old ways (and if it's not porn, it'll be something else). You need to do this *for you*.

Spend a few months apart, go to individual therapy, fix yourself, and then try to fix your marriage.

[Anonymous]

Troll. This reeks of troll.

[Anonymous]

Op here.
Thanks for the advice. We don’t have a bad marriage besides the sex life. We love each other dearly and love to spend time together. It’s often the best part of our respective days is the time spent at night after work, sitting on th couch and relaxing while discussing our respective days.
I understand that from the outside our relationship looks broken and perhaps we’re too scared to leave each other, but I’m not unhappy with her. I think I did punish her for a long time for her infidelity. It came at a bad time in my career and then I found out about her. She didn’t come clean and I never know if she would have without me catching her.

She did a lot to prove to me she wanted to stay in the relationship and I took it for granted after a while. But ov rr time I stopped thinking about it, but also stopped engaging in sex with her. And slowly indulged in a porn habit. It’s not Daily, not even weekly, but whenever I felt like it, I did it.

I’m scared of losing her. She’s the best thing that’s happened to me, despite the pain we’ve been through. We’ve had the most amazing times together, but I don’t know how to convince her I’ll change and don’t know why she’s want to believe me.

[Anonymous]

Wish the forum auto-deleted every post that had the word "troll" in it.

[Anonymous]

Don't think I could look my DH in the eye ever again if he paid some woman to humiliate herself. What is wrong with you???