Divorcing DH as he doesn't respect me?

[Anonymous]

For years, my husband has said disparaging things about me. It's clear he has little respect for me. His standards are impossibly high, and I admit I am more laid back than he is. I am a SAHM and for the most part the house looks great, the kids are doing well, and I keep myself together and have a lot of interests. I have my faults but nothing like he makes me out to be.

According to him, I never get anything done, spend time on mindless activities, and don't have good taste. It's tiring to feel this way. His new line to me is "you're always angry, it's not very attractive". Now my teenaged son is starting to say this. I have had it. I have worked hard at keeping us together, but honestly it just isn't worth it anymore. I don't care about the money, but I do feel sad to rip the family apart. I just feel like this is not healthy and I don't think it will ever change. I don't expect to meet someone else and I will be fine on my own, but there is a part of me that feels I do deserve to find someone who loves and respects me down the road.

He almost had an affair about 5 years ago. Not sure I ever got over that completely. He also is not home a lot and when we go out together definitely has a "wandering eye" even my son notices it now.

What would you do? For reference, married 16 years, together for 20.

[Anonymous]

I would wait until the kids are in college myself.

[Anonymous]

He’s still having an affair. Sorry.

Can you go back to work? It sounds like your kids are in school now, and the oldest is old enough to watch the younger ones in the afternoons. Earning an income will give you some options, and build your confidence. It may change the way your husband interacts with you.

To answer your question though, yes, you can get a divorce because your husband doesn’t respect you. Or you can try to do counseling together, which will either improve the situation, or make you feel like you tried everything (this may help assuage some of the guilt you feel).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He’s still having an affair. Sorry.

+1

This is crystal clear from your description. I'm a guy and I've been there.

[Anonymous]

My DH and I have been married for about the same length of time and we have two kids. We're in counseling for the same sort of issue, minus the potential affair stuff. To be honest, I don't really think counseling is working for us, but I think it's worth a shot. I wouldn't feel right about divorce without at least putting in that effort. I also think that it's helpful to be working with a counselor, particularly if you have kids, in order to work through the separation issues if it comes to that. If you can afford it, I would also consider seeing a therapist on your own in order to sort through your feelings here. I'm guessing that if you are like me (and most people in this boat) you feel pretty alone since you can't just go to your friends or family to talk about this stuff. Talking to a therapist helps with that. I would also consider getting a job before you divorce. I work full-time, which I consider to be one less thing I'll have to worry about. You don't want to be job hunting during a major transition for yourself and the kids, so take care of that before hand. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Maybe on the affair. I guess there are signs, but he was extremely broken up over the time he "almost" did (I have to trust him on this one). It would've been a for sex thing as it was a young woman (a nanny!) he met traveling in Europe. He was planning to meet her on one of his subsequent trips but she couldn't get away from her family and then I found out about it. I even called her. At the same time, I saw very flirty texts to another very young woman he met skiing who was coming to the DC area to live.

Needless to say I was very upset. I pretty much said I am not sure I can stay married to you. He was a wreck. We did counseling and for awhile things seemed better.

I will say that what I remember most about this time was that he was putting me down a lot, for things that seemed really ridiculous. Why is this such a sign of an affair? I accept that it is, but I honestly thought he was so "scared" last time and remorseful that he wouldn't do this again.

I guess I could hire a PI? What do people do? I once asked him about a year ago, and he sort of laughed at me and said I was being ridiculous. I do look at his phone but never have found anything in the last few years. Sex life is infrequent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH and I have been married for about the same length of time and we have two kids. We're in counseling for the same sort of issue, minus the potential affair stuff. To be honest, I don't really think counseling is working for us, but I think it's worth a shot. I wouldn't feel right about divorce without at least putting in that effort. I also think that it's helpful to be working with a counselor, particularly if you have kids, in order to work through the separation issues if it comes to that. If you can afford it, I would also consider seeing a therapist on your own in order to sort through your feelings here. I'm guessing that if you are like me (and most people in this boat) you feel pretty alone since you can't just go to your friends or family to talk about this stuff. Talking to a therapist helps with that. I would also consider getting a job before you divorce. I work full-time, which I consider to be one less thing I'll have to worry about. You don't want to be job hunting during a major transition for yourself and the kids, so take care of that before hand. Good luck.

Are you going to divorce? Do you feel he doesn't have respect for you? Can you recommend your counselor? (for therapy)? That makes sense to me to do. We did marriage counseling before, I suppose we could again, but hard to see it working when your heart isn't into it.

[Anonymous]

Your teenage son is learning how to conduct himself in a relationship and is already following his dad's lead. He will disrespect you for the rest of your life and disrespect his wife, who may not put up with it as long as you have.

My aunt stayed with her emotionally abusive husband "for the kids." Now her adult kids treat her like a doormat too, put her down, idolize their asshole father, get mad if she doesn't cancel her plans to babysit their kids at a moment's notice, and basically criticize everything she does that isn't all about them and their needs.

Breaking up the family would have taught these kids how a functional family operates way better than keeping their dysfunctional family intact.

[Anonymous]

This is emotional abuse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would wait until the kids are in college myself.

No way. By that time she’ll feel the life being sucked out of her when menopause starts and after all of these years of being with an abusive bastard the wind will really be knocked out of her. Plus - why would you want your kids raised seeing this man treat you this way? That means that your boys will grow up acting like this and your girls will probably marry similar to dad. Get out!
I’m very pro ‘stay married’ but not in this case. Break the cycle here.

[Anonymous]

I would not wait to divorce. Do it now. Your son doesn’t need this modeling any longer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Maybe on the affair. I guess there are signs, but he was extremely broken up over the time he "almost" did (I have to trust him on this one). It would've been a for sex thing as it was a young woman (a nanny!) he met traveling in Europe. He was planning to meet her on one of his subsequent trips but she couldn't get away from her family and then I found out about it. I even called her. At the same time, I saw very flirty texts to another very young woman he met skiing who was coming to the DC area to live.

Needless to say I was very upset. I pretty much said I am not sure I can stay married to you. He was a wreck. We did counseling and for awhile things seemed better.

I will say that what I remember most about this time was that he was putting me down a lot, for things that seemed really ridiculous. Why is this such a sign of an affair? I accept that it is, but I honestly thought he was so "scared" last time and remorseful that he wouldn't do this again.

I guess I could hire a PI? What do people do? I once asked him about a year ago, and he sort of laughed at me and said I was being ridiculous. I do look at his phone but never have found anything in the last few years. Sex life is infrequent.

Don’t hire a PI - that benefits no one. It doesn’t get anything more in a divorce. You are married to a disgusting man and you are messing up your kids. Staying is on you, lady.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Maybe on the affair. I guess there are signs, but he was extremely broken up over the time he "almost" did (I have to trust him on this one). It would've been a for sex thing as it was a young woman (a nanny!) he met traveling in Europe. He was planning to meet her on one of his subsequent trips but she couldn't get away from her family and then I found out about it. I even called her. At the same time, I saw very flirty texts to another very young woman he met skiing who was coming to the DC area to live.

Needless to say I was very upset. I pretty much said I am not sure I can stay married to you. He was a wreck. We did counseling and for awhile things seemed better.

I will say that what I remember most about this time was that he was putting me down a lot, for things that seemed really ridiculous. Why is this such a sign of an affair? I accept that it is, but I honestly thought he was so "scared" last time and remorseful that he wouldn't do this again.

I guess I could hire a PI? What do people do? I once asked him about a year ago, and he sort of laughed at me and said I was being ridiculous. I do look at his phone but never have found anything in the last few years. Sex life is infrequent.

Don’t hire a PI - that benefits no one. It doesn’t get anything more in a divorce. You are married to a disgusting man and you are messing up your kids. Staying is on you, lady.

The thing is, he is not a "disgusting man" and I am certainly not trying to mess up my kids! In general I think he has a good heart and is a good person. But when it comes to me, I guess not. I am not making excuses, I know what he does is not ok and I am looking to get out. As background, and I think this likely is relevant, my father was emotionally abusive (and physically) to my mom, he was an alcoholic. I vowed never to let myself be treated that way. . . .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Maybe on the affair. I guess there are signs, but he was extremely broken up over the time he "almost" did (I have to trust him on this one). It would've been a for sex thing as it was a young woman (a nanny!) he met traveling in Europe. He was planning to meet her on one of his subsequent trips but she couldn't get away from her family and then I found out about it. I even called her. At the same time, I saw very flirty texts to another very young woman he met skiing who was coming to the DC area to live.

Needless to say I was very upset. I pretty much said I am not sure I can stay married to you. He was a wreck. We did counseling and for awhile things seemed better.

I will say that what I remember most about this time was that he was putting me down a lot, for things that seemed really ridiculous. Why is this such a sign of an affair? I accept that it is, but I honestly thought he was so "scared" last time and remorseful that he wouldn't do this again.

I guess I could hire a PI? What do people do? I once asked him about a year ago, and he sort of laughed at me and said I was being ridiculous. I do look at his phone but never have found anything in the last few years. Sex life is infrequent.

Don’t hire a PI - that benefits no one. It doesn’t get anything more in a divorce. You are married to a disgusting man and you are messing up your kids. Staying is on you, lady.

The thing is, he is not a "disgusting man" and I am certainly not trying to mess up my kids! In general I think he has a good heart and is a good person. But when it comes to me, I guess not. I am not making excuses, I know what he does is not ok and I am looking to get out. As background, and I think this likely is relevant, my father was emotionally abusive (and physically) to my mom, he was an alcoholic. I vowed never to let myself be treated that way. . . .

On the PI front, but wouldn't this let her know if he was cheating? He's obviously not going to tell her.

[Anonymous]

Give it One Last Year. Do a Hail Mary. Make sex and date nights a priority. Focus on pleasing your husband. Get hot. Zip your lip. Pretend. Give it till 2019. And if it still sucks- at least you're hot and nice and ready to get out there again.