Boyfriend issues

[Anonymous]

I have a boyfriend who has a tendency to lash out when he feels threatened or attacked. I'm trying to determine if his recent behavior is a deal-breaker or not. I wouldn't say the relationship has been without issue, but we do love each other. He's been very emotionally supportive of me through some difficult job transitions and we have a lot of fun together. However, I'm at the point where I need some external advice.

We are currently long-distance with plans to change jobs to a new area to be together in another year. He has committed to a long-term project in a town that is about 5 hours drive from where we met and began dating 3 years ago. He's been living there about a year and things had been going well until November. In November, he started to get very busy and cancelled plans last-minute to see me 3 times in a four week period. He also was very difficult to catch by phone during this time and we went from speaking almost daily to going two weeks without speaking. He says his job is just nuts and he has no control of his schedule. One example was that he asked me to call when I got off the Metro, which I said was 15 minutes away, but then didn't answer the phone when I called. He said his boss called and there was no way he could take my call. This is a recurring thing, where he would say call after such and such time, but then not be available and blame work.

Ok, right, no big deal. I'm a grown woman and can take care of myself. But one day around Thanksgiving, I said, "You know, I'm feeling a little disrespected that you can't keep a single plan to see or talk to me." Or something to that effect. He really lashed out and called me "the most unforgiving person he'd ever met." Then when we finally did have a chance to talk the last week of November, I was describing a work problem and he was trying to give me advice. He kept interrupting me. I asked him if he would please let me finish and he just could not stop talking over me. I asked again if he would let me finish my sentence and at last he did. Nevertheless, the call wasn't going well and finally I said, "I feel like you're being very aggressive and I'm starting to get uncomfortable in this conversation." He basically ended the call at that point and sent a tirade of texts saying I was abusive and emotionally manipulative for calling his behavior aggressive. He said it's a very serious thing to call someone aggressive in this day and age and, while he wasn't calling me abusive, he said he has a boundary for people calling him aggressive. He also said I needed a lesson in humility with regard to my work. He said I was "blasting him with too many details" and it became so irritating he had to shut it down. He said I was dumping all over him, which I don't really see at all, honestly.

He calmed down a bit afterwards and admitted that he was rude and lost his patience with me. He blames it on my not being able to handle a long-distance relationship. He says the number of warm texts and love emojis has decreased and unless he feels close to me, he doesn't have patience for me and can't stay positive.

I know I can't give everyone the full story, but does this seem like acceptable behavior? Or should I run now, while I can? I'm feeling very uneasy about the whole situation and typing it out seems to make it clear I need to run.

[Anonymous]

I think he’s trying to break up with you. I’m sorry.

[Anonymous]

End this. Listen to your gut. This is not going to last long distance another year. The sooner you end it, the better.

[Anonymous]

Ask yourself, would one of your close friends treat you like this or would you treat a friend like this? I can’t imagine a friend saying “you need a lesson in humility with regard to your work”. Who says that? If a close friend always asked me to call them in 15 minutes and then was never available to call me back, I would think they didn’t really want to talk to me. I assume things come up, but then it’s on you to make the effort to show you really are interested in connecting not for me to put in extra effort to chase you down.

[Anonymous]

Nooo, run away, far away and do not look back. Break up.

[Anonymous]

My ex bf did similar avoidance of phone calls when he was long distance blaming it on work and such. Turns out he was cheating on me. Get out while you still can.

[Anonymous]

It doesn't seem to be worth the trouble of sustaining this relationship.

[Anonymous]

Get out! Preferably over text. Do it tonight. Christmas to heal. New Year fresh start!

[Anonymous]

Classic cheating behavior. Wants to keep you on the back burner, just in case his current woman (or women) don’t work out.

Don’t ask him if he’s cheating, he’ll just lie. You don’t like how he’s treating you regardless of the reason why he’s acting that way, so no need to stick around.

And I know you want to blame work for his behavior. But your future life will be filled with lots of stressful times. He will act like this or worse every single time. Can you deal with that?

[Anonymous]

Thanks, everyone. You're right. Sigh. Gotta move on. Ugh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks, everyone. You're right. Sigh. Gotta move on. Ugh.

Block his numbers. What a turd.

[Anonymous]

He’s cheating on you, sorry.
I wouldn’t confront him without evidence but I’m guessing that’s hard while long distance.

Also, you said you went two weeks with ZERO communication? I would be concerned after even just one day so that’s extremely weird/ not cool.... I would be assuming I didn’t have a boyfriend anymore.

[Anonymous]

Just sending empathy. Sucky.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He’s cheating on you, sorry.
I wouldn’t confront him without evidence but I’m guessing that’s hard while long distance.

Also, you said you went two weeks with ZERO communication? I would be concerned after even just one day so that’s extremely weird/ not cool.... I would be assuming I didn’t have a boyfriend anymore.

He’s being awful to you. He hardly contacts you and then he yells at you and is rude and unaffectionate.
Please - just block his number, unfriend/unfollow him and move on. Forget he existed. Please.

What is bad here is that if you were dating more often - so, not long distance - you would have learned this about him sooner.

He sucks and he’s not a boyfriend at all.

[Anonymous]

Thank you all for your support. I know in my gut you are right, but my heart is not on the same page. We were texting those two weeks, so it wasn't zero contact. And there were times he was able to talk that I could not. The difference is I never was unavailable when I said I would be available. He and I had a long conversation last night. He said he loves me, but an intimate relationship may not be possible because I get less close over time when we don't see each other. He said continuing the relationship was solely "up to me" since I was the one with the issue. I told him that wasn't fair, that I wasn't choosing this and it's pretty natural to pull back when I've been disappointed over and over.

Then he brought up sex problems. I asked him to get tested--just the normal panel near the beginning of our relationship. He agreed that it was a reasonable request, but never followed through. I told him he could use a condom and he said he doesn't want to. So we've been doing things other than intercourse, which is ridiculous, but I won't back down. I said he's welcome to fix this problem anytime. He has always said he's fine with how things are. But last night he said he felt unattractive and rejected. I told him that wasn't true, but didn't bring up the testing thing again. What's the point.

The other thing that occurred to me was that if I am going to get verbally attacked if I "slip up" even a little bit and get needy, then that's on him.

I know I need to be done. I know, I know.