Boyfriend issues

[Anonymous]

I don't know whether he's cheating or trying to break up with you. Possibly. But that's not even what's foremost on my mind.

He's not meeting your needs. He's not being attentive. He's literally and figuratively distant.

Move on. Find someone compatible. He's not. And living in the same area doesn't solve the problem. I was in a long-distance relationship for 2 years and only survived because we both made a commitment to keep in touch religiously.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't know whether he's cheating or trying to break up with you. Possibly. But that's not even what's foremost on my mind.

He's not meeting your needs. He's not being attentive. He's literally and figuratively distant.

Move on. Find someone compatible. He's not. And living in the same area doesn't solve the problem. I was in a long-distance relationship for 2 years and only survived because we both made a commitment to keep in touch religiously.

OP, please re-read this, especially what I put into bold. This PP is right. If you were to decide that "Well, it'll get better if we're in the same area so I'll wait and see what happens then," you will have wasted a lot of time and energy. Your boyfriend is clearly showing you who he really is, and that is not going to change if the two of you are in the same area; it will be worse. I was in a long-distance relationship for several years and know what is and isn't positive and supportive behavior in a long-distance boyfriend; what your BF is doing and saying are gigantic, waving, neon red flags that you need to heed.

I want to add a huge, huge "Good for you--stick to your guns" regarding your insistence that he be tested and your insistence that you not have intercourse until he IS tested. I believe many or most women, especially younger women, would cave on this when a boyfriend started pleading "I love you." You're smart to stick to your principles on testing; now take those same smarts and use them to dump him immediately.

Especially troubling is how your BF took things you said and twisted them around to try to make it appear that YOU were being somehow abusive towards HIM. If you used the language you quoted in your original post, you were doing things right -- "I feel uncomfortable" etc. is fine. Yet he somehow made it all about how you were crossing some boundary HE had set (and never told you about before?) to protect himself. That is a very worrying behavior; it's subtle and manipulative, and aimed at making you feel that you were in the wrong and he's some kind of victim just for being his wonderful self who knows better than you do about your own work.....and so on. His later acknowledgement that he was rude sounds hollow and was too little, too late.

Please take it from an older and long-married woman: He may love you, you may love him, but love is not enough when a partner acts this way. He can have the toughest job in the world, he can be stressed and blaming anything he says or does on stress, you can feel sorry for him and his tough life and difficult work schedule.... but overall what you describe is a person who will put himself ahead of the relationship and who will always assume he is correct about anything.

One last thought: Is it possible that if you break up he would try showing up where you are and pleading OR showing up and getting angry? Do you think that's a possibility? His work schedule sounds like that couldn't happen, but if he seems possessive at all or has a temper that makes you think he might just turn up either to win you over or argue with you -- be prepared for that possibility. And don't cave if he comes to you crying that he has baggage from his past or whatever. You're smart and strong. Stick with that.

[Anonymous]

i agree with others that this has nothing to do with distance and that waiting for you two to live closer would be a gigantic waste of time. you are fairly young couple and he is aggressive and disrespectful. there is not way this could get better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I want to add a huge, huge "Good for you--stick to your guns" regarding your insistence that he be tested and your insistence that you not have intercourse until he IS tested. I believe many or most women, especially younger women, would cave on this when a boyfriend started pleading "I love you." You're smart to stick to your principles on testing; now take those same smarts and use them to dump him immediately.

Thanks, that's something I will not compromise on. He seems more well-traveled than I am, if you know what I mean.

Anonymous wrote:Especially troubling is how your BF took things you said and twisted them around to try to make it appear that YOU were being somehow abusive towards HIM. If you used the language you quoted in your original post, you were doing things right -- "I feel uncomfortable" etc. is fine. Yet he somehow made it all about how you were crossing some boundary HE had set (and never told you about before?) to protect himself. That is a very worrying behavior; it's subtle and manipulative, and aimed at making you feel that you were in the wrong and he's some kind of victim just for being his wonderful self who knows better than you do about your own work.....and so on. His later acknowledgement that he was rude sounds hollow and was too little, too late.

This really hit the nail on the head for me. Is this what gas-lighting is? I'd heard the term, but not sure exactly what it means. He tried to make it sound like his personal attack was my fault for not being loving enough. Whoa, typing that out sounds like a huge red flag, doesn't it?

Anonymous wrote:One last thought: Is it possible that if you break up he would try showing up where you are and pleading OR showing up and getting angry? Do you think that's a possibility? His work schedule sounds like that couldn't happen, but if he seems possessive at all or has a temper that makes you think he might just turn up either to win you over or argue with you -- be prepared for that possibility. And don't cave if he comes to you crying that he has baggage from his past or whatever. You're smart and strong. Stick with that.

He does have a bad temper. I wouldn't be afraid he would show up, more that he would turn vicious in his words to me. I guess this is why you block people, but I've never done that before. Part of me just wants to end it by saying that he's right, this is my problem that I can't handle a long distance relationship and that I'm sorry, but I can't give him what he needs. Would that be a good approach? I'll take the blame if I need to. It's becoming obvious to me that I need to get out of this relationship.

[Anonymous]

Red flags that show up when you are dating will only get much worse when you are married. If you are seeing them now, chances are they will not get better. I think this is just telling you you need to seriously consider ending this relationship or accept these things as It is and assume It WILL get worse when you get married.

[Anonymous]

You really don't owe him a huge explanation. You can simply state that the dynamic the two of you have isn't working for you and you're moving on. Then ignore him completely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I want to add a huge, huge "Good for you--stick to your guns" regarding your insistence that he be tested and your insistence that you not have intercourse until he IS tested. I believe many or most women, especially younger women, would cave on this when a boyfriend started pleading "I love you." You're smart to stick to your principles on testing; now take those same smarts and use them to dump him immediately.

Thanks, that's something I will not compromise on. He seems more well-traveled than I am, if you know what I mean.

Anonymous wrote:Especially troubling is how your BF took things you said and twisted them around to try to make it appear that YOU were being somehow abusive towards HIM. If you used the language you quoted in your original post, you were doing things right -- "I feel uncomfortable" etc. is fine. Yet he somehow made it all about how you were crossing some boundary HE had set (and never told you about before?) to protect himself. That is a very worrying behavior; it's subtle and manipulative, and aimed at making you feel that you were in the wrong and he's some kind of victim just for being his wonderful self who knows better than you do about your own work.....and so on. His later acknowledgement that he was rude sounds hollow and was too little, too late.

This really hit the nail on the head for me. Is this what gas-lighting is? I'd heard the term, but not sure exactly what it means. He tried to make it sound like his personal attack was my fault for not being loving enough. Whoa, typing that out sounds like a huge red flag, doesn't it?

Anonymous wrote:One last thought: Is it possible that if you break up he would try showing up where you are and pleading OR showing up and getting angry? Do you think that's a possibility? His work schedule sounds like that couldn't happen, but if he seems possessive at all or has a temper that makes you think he might just turn up either to win you over or argue with you -- be prepared for that possibility. And don't cave if he comes to you crying that he has baggage from his past or whatever. You're smart and strong. Stick with that.

He does have a bad temper. I wouldn't be afraid he would show up, more that he would turn vicious in his words to me. I guess this is why you block people, but I've never done that before. Part of me just wants to end it by saying that he's right, this is my problem that I can't handle a long distance relationship and that I'm sorry, but I can't give him what he needs. Would that be a good approach? I'll take the blame if I need to. It's becoming obvious to me that I need to get out of this relationship.

No, no, no! If he doesn’t get tested, you don’t do anything! You can get STD’s in the throat. And any guy who won’t get tested and fore goes piv sex...there is a problem. He either is afraid he has a disease and just wants to be in denial (scary) or he’s lazy (what kind of things will he not do because he doesn’t feel like it? Think about the implications for a life together.) Or he doesn’t like PIV sex. (Imagine a life without intercourse) Or he doesn’t care if he doesn’t have sex with you because he’s getting it somewhere else.

And yes, he was gaslighting you. He took your legitimate feelings and turned them around on you. He didn’t care about how felt. Only about how what you felt made him feel. So he twisted it to make you feel bad about having feelings. And made you feel crazy. Totally classic gaslighting.