Do parents/in laws have any right to expect an effort at family togetherness?

[Anonymous]

I'm shocked at the number of young couples who seem to feel that any expected visits to or from family are unreasonable or who think its too much to expect them to help out/sacrifice for parents who've raised them. Is it just this forum or is there a total sense that parent's are there to serve children but never vice versa? I'm not talking about major financial burdens or letting parents move in with you, but occasional visits that last longer than the time it takes to eat and run, collect Xmas gifts or drop the kids off for free care?

[Anonymous]

Well, the parents raised these young couples. What do you think they did or communicated to them that would leave these young couples to think it’s okay to have minimal family togetherness?

[Anonymous]

it's an American thing. Nothing is expected from the children - or the parents, once children turn 18. Totally ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

DCUM seems to tilt against duty and gratitude towards parents. I think parents have a right to expect certain things, as long as they aren’t asshats or harmful to their families.

[Anonymous]

I just think it speaks to the kind of relationship they have. My parents don't "expect" anything but I make a lot of effort to see them because I want to see them and spend time with them. My parents are independent and practical - they don't insist that we have to see each other on THE holiday. My in-laws, on the other hand, lay on the guilt trip, which actually annoys my spouse more than me (I think because I have emotional distance.). So it feels more like an obligation than something joyful.

[Anonymous]

I think it is a DC thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just think it speaks to the kind of relationship they have. My parents don't "expect" anything but I make a lot of effort to see them because I want to see them and spend time with them. My parents are independent and practical - they don't insist that we have to see each other on THE holiday. My in-laws, on the other hand, lay on the guilt trip, which actually annoys my spouse more than me (I think because I have emotional distance.). So it feels more like an obligation than something joyful.

We have the exact same thing happening. My parents are flexible so we can make plans on the fly. My inlaws are very inflexible also always guilt trip us every time we visit. It’s not fun.

[Anonymous]

I just think it speaks to the kind of relationship they have. My parents don't "expect" anything but I make a lot of effort to see them because I want to see them and spend time with them. My parents are independent and practical - they don't insist that we have to see each other on THE holiday. My in-laws, on the other hand, lay on the guilt trip, which actually annoys my spouse more than me (I think because I have emotional distance.). So it feels more like an obligation than something joyful.


We have the exact same thing happening. My parents are flexible so we can make plans on the fly. My inlaws are very inflexible also always guilt trip us every time we visit. It’s not fun.

When adult children are respected, parents don't guilt trip. What Op and others are complaining about is really a disrespect of the adult children BY the parents. Any emotional manipulation/guilt is only done when one is very sure they have the upper hand. They do not view their adult children as worthy of equal respect. If the adult children are financially independent, they are worthy of respect as equals.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I just think it speaks to the kind of relationship they have. My parents don't "expect" anything but I make a lot of effort to see them because I want to see them and spend time with them. My parents are independent and practical - they don't insist that we have to see each other on THE holiday. My in-laws, on the other hand, lay on the guilt trip, which actually annoys my spouse more than me (I think because I have emotional distance.). So it feels more like an obligation than something joyful.


We have the exact same thing happening. My parents are flexible so we can make plans on the fly. My inlaws are very inflexible also always guilt trip us every time we visit. It’s not fun.

When adult children are respected, parents don't guilt trip. What Op and others are complaining about is really a disrespect of the adult children BY the parents. Any emotional manipulation/guilt is only done when one is very sure they have the upper hand. They do not view their adult children as worthy of equal respect. If the adult children are financially independent, they are worthy of respect as equals.

This. When the adult parents act entitled and demanding, it makes visits a burden. Even moreso because entitled people tend to want to be constantly entertained/waited on - it can be draining.

But the other posters are also correct - the parents must have be modeling something that rubbed off on the kids. I know plenty of kids with great relationships with their parents, and plenty who skew the other way, too. I think it’s a combination of upbringing and entitlement/demand of parents.

[Anonymous]

My inlaws saw their parents mayyyybe once a year growing up. They didn't live far, just weren't interested. My DH and his subs would have loved to see them more but it never happened.

Now my ILs want us to visit every month. They are divorced so it's actually TWO visits a month, aka half of our weekends. We see them more like every three months, which is when it's convenient (we live farther away). They moan and bellyache but to me it's so stupid. The rules have changed now they're the ones on the receiving end.

[Anonymous]

You reap what you sow. The amount of love, care, time people put in their parenting, they will receive the same back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My inlaws saw their parents mayyyybe once a year growing up. They didn't live far, just weren't interested. My DH and his subs would have loved to see them more but it never happened.

Now my ILs want us to visit every month. They are divorced so it's actually TWO visits a month, aka half of our weekends. We see them more like every three months, which is when it's convenient (we live farther away). They moan and bellyache but to me it's so stupid. The rules have changed now they're the ones on the receiving end.

Does your spouse ever point out to them that they hardly saw their own parents? Does your spouse ask why?

[Anonymous]

Selfish Baby Boomers raised self-centered Millenials.

[Anonymous]

One of the themes, though, is about the parents and in-laws just not understanding how busy life gets with kids come late elementary school and just how busy life is when both spouses work outside the house.

We were really open to my mom's visits until she started to interfere with schoolwork getting done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just think it speaks to the kind of relationship they have. My parents don't "expect" anything but I make a lot of effort to see them because I want to see them and spend time with them. My parents are independent and practical - they don't insist that we have to see each other on THE holiday. My in-laws, on the other hand, lay on the guilt trip, which actually annoys my spouse more than me (I think because I have emotional distance.). So it feels more like an obligation than something joyful.

You have a good family.