Do parents/in laws have any right to expect an effort at family togetherness?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You reap what you sow. The amount of love, care, time people put in their parenting, they will receive the same back.

Hmmmmm. Ok, tend to agree. Yes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I just think it speaks to the kind of relationship they have. My parents don't "expect" anything but I make a lot of effort to see them because I want to see them and spend time with them. My parents are independent and practical - they don't insist that we have to see each other on THE holiday. My in-laws, on the other hand, lay on the guilt trip, which actually annoys my spouse more than me (I think because I have emotional distance.). So it feels more like an obligation than something joyful.


We have the exact same thing happening. My parents are flexible so we can make plans on the fly. My inlaws are very inflexible also always guilt trip us every time we visit. It’s not fun.

When adult children are respected, parents don't guilt trip. What Op and others are complaining about is really a disrespect of the adult children BY the parents. Any emotional manipulation/guilt is only done when one is very sure they have the upper hand. They do not view their adult children as worthy of equal respect. If the adult children are financially independent, they are worthy of respect as equals.

This. When the adult parents act entitled and demanding, it makes visits a burden. Even moreso because entitled people tend to want to be constantly entertained/waited on - it can be draining.

But the other posters are also correct - the parents must have be modeling something that rubbed off on the kids. I know plenty of kids with great relationships with their parents, and plenty who skew the other way, too. I think it’s a combination of upbringing and entitlement/demand of parents.

"Adult parents". Hee.

[Anonymous]

No one has a right to my time, attention, resources or love.

I call my parents once a week, send them memes and links on facebook or text cute kid photos a few times a week and visit a few times a year. But not because it is their right. Because I love them and enjoy our time together and find value in our relationship. While not perfect, they are loving, supportive and respectful of me and when we have issues, we address them out in the open with healthy communication.

My in-laws are a little annoying to me (since I am not adapted to their quirks), but they are kind, supportive and loving parents to DH, and wonderful grandparents. They are also respectful and considerate guests and come visit a few times a year and I facetime them a few times a month with the kids and DH calls and texts them in-between. But again, spending time together and communicating with them regularly is the natural result of our positive relationship with them. It is not their “right.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, the parents raised these young couples. What do you think they did or communicated to them that would leave these young couples to think it’s okay to have minimal family togetherness?

This. Half the marital complaints on DCUM involve an expectation that the wife will arrange and attend in-law visits, remember in-law birthdays, buy gifts, send photos, etc. The in-laws dropped the ball when they didn't teach their own child that those things were important. And then the one-sided burden breeds resentment in the DIL who might otherwise participate joyfully.

I also find the expectations unrealistic. For example, my ILs moved an hour away and are disappointed we don't visit for Sunday dinner on the regular. They had the option to stay closer to us; their choice but a pretty obvious consequence IMO.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No one has a right to my time, attention, resources or love.

I call my parents once a week, send them memes and links on facebook or text cute kid photos a few times a week and visit a few times a year. But not because it is their right. Because I love them and enjoy our time together and find value in our relationship. While not perfect, they are loving, supportive and respectful of me and when we have issues, we address them out in the open with healthy communication.

My in-laws are a little annoying to me (since I am not adapted to their quirks), but they are kind, supportive and loving parents to DH, and wonderful grandparents. They are also respectful and considerate guests and come visit a few times a year and I facetime them a few times a month with the kids and DH calls and texts them in-between. But again, spending time together and communicating with them regularly is the natural result of our positive relationship with them. It is not their “right.”

why is ti import to you to repeat that they have no rights? where does this obsession with rights come from?

[Anonymous]

Hmm. Some intriguing thoughts on this thread. Different cultures would view it differently. Asian cultures would respond very differently than some posters on here. I have sympathy for both sides. Although I'm firmly a westerner and I do have a wonderful relationship with my own parents and family I also do feel an obligation towards them as they are my parents who gave me life, raised me and are a large part of how / what I am today. If I find certain habits irritating, I don't complain. They're family. So it's not a question of rights or demanding that they earn that right or maintain that right. Frankly, I find that notion bizarre. My parents are still parents, they will never be replaced by anyone else, I owe them more than they owe me, even if we are all now adults. At the same time I must say I'm fortunate enough never to have the kinds of parents I've seen described on here so I can see how other people have very different views and kinds of relationships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just think it speaks to the kind of relationship they have. My parents don't "expect" anything but I make a lot of effort to see them because I want to see them and spend time with them. My parents are independent and practical - they don't insist that we have to see each other on THE holiday. My in-laws, on the other hand, lay on the guilt trip, which actually annoys my spouse more than me (I think because I have emotional distance.). So it feels more like an obligation than something joyful.

That's the same for our family. And in-laws' strategy backfires. We end up making a much bigger effort to see my family because they're flexible, fun, and easy to deal with.

My MIL drives me up a wall. She raised her three boys into three lovely, successful adult men -- who have great families/relationships of their own. They're not going to be able to spend every single holiday every year with her family. She should be proud/grateful that her boys have wives, kids, jobs that demand their attention, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I just think it speaks to the kind of relationship they have. My parents don't "expect" anything but I make a lot of effort to see them because I want to see them and spend time with them. My parents are independent and practical - they don't insist that we have to see each other on THE holiday. My in-laws, on the other hand, lay on the guilt trip, which actually annoys my spouse more than me (I think because I have emotional distance.). So it feels more like an obligation than something joyful.


We have the exact same thing happening. My parents are flexible so we can make plans on the fly. My inlaws are very inflexible also always guilt trip us every time we visit. It’s not fun.

When adult children are respected, parents don't guilt trip. What Op and others are complaining about is really a disrespect of the adult children BY the parents. Any emotional manipulation/guilt is only done when one is very sure they have the upper hand. They do not view their adult children as worthy of equal respect. If the adult children are financially independent, they are worthy of respect as equals.

Even if not financially independent. It’s one thing if Larla and her DH are living under your roof while they “find themselves”. But if you are temporarily helping out financially during a crisis or are insisting on giving the down payment, don’t do that with strings attached that you can waltz in and out of their home as you please. Be a gracious, invited guest. Don’t act like you are the only real adult and you get to parent their kids. Remember, it’s likely at some point you will be frail and demented, how do you want your adult children to treat you? Model respect for them now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hmm. Some intriguing thoughts on this thread. Different cultures would view it differently. Asian cultures would respond very differently than some posters on here. I have sympathy for both sides. Although I'm firmly a westerner and I do have a wonderful relationship with my own parents and family I also do feel an obligation towards them as they are my parents who gave me life, raised me and are a large part of how / what I am today. If I find certain habits irritating, I don't complain. They're family. So it's not a question of rights or demanding that they earn that right or maintain that right. Frankly, I find that notion bizarre. My parents are still parents, they will never be replaced by anyone else, I owe them more than they owe me, even if we are all now adults. At the same time I must say I'm fortunate enough never to have the kinds of parents I've seen described on here so I can see how other people have very different views and kinds of relationships.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No one has a right to my time, attention, resources or love.

I call my parents once a week, send them memes and links on facebook or text cute kid photos a few times a week and visit a few times a year. But not because it is their right. Because I love them and enjoy our time together and find value in our relationship. While not perfect, they are loving, supportive and respectful of me and when we have issues, we address them out in the open with healthy communication.

My in-laws are a little annoying to me (since I am not adapted to their quirks), but they are kind, supportive and loving parents to DH, and wonderful grandparents. They are also respectful and considerate guests and come visit a few times a year and I facetime them a few times a month with the kids and DH calls and texts them in-between. But again, spending time together and communicating with them regularly is the natural result of our positive relationship with them. It is not their “right.”

why is ti import to you to repeat that they have no rights? where does this obsession with rights come from?

The OP included in the title of this thread. I am reiterating what others have said. There is no default right that just because you are a parent your child owes you some level of relationship and togetherness. You chose to have a child, and you had their entire childhood to build either a positive or negative relationship with your child. If you have a positive relationship, then they will put effort into maintaining that. If you have a negative relationship, it will not be worth the effort to them to maintain togetherness. It is not about what kids are “supposed“ to do but about what stems naturally from the relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You reap what you sow. The amount of love, care, time people put in their parenting, they will receive the same back.

Agreed.

I have a loving relationship with my parents. My mom is my best friend. She doesn’t meddle in my life, she’s happy to just be a part.

My DHs parents are self-centered and think the world revolves around them. My MIL thinks her son owes her the world, and tells him as much. She knows best about everything, and tells you so. And DH sees his visits with them as an obligation and a chore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You reap what you sow. The amount of love, care, time people put in their parenting, they will receive the same back.

Hmmmmm. Ok, tend to agree. Yes.

I disagree, some people are just wired differently.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No one has a right to my time, attention, resources or love.

I call my parents once a week, send them memes and links on facebook or text cute kid photos a few times a week and visit a few times a year. But not because it is their right. Because I love them and enjoy our time together and find value in our relationship. While not perfect, they are loving, supportive and respectful of me and when we have issues, we address them out in the open with healthy communication.

My in-laws are a little annoying to me (since I am not adapted to their quirks), but they are kind, supportive and loving parents to DH, and wonderful grandparents. They are also respectful and considerate guests and come visit a few times a year and I facetime them a few times a month with the kids and DH calls and texts them in-between. But again, spending time together and communicating with them regularly is the natural result of our positive relationship with them. It is not their “right.”

why is ti import to you to repeat that they have no rights? where does this obsession with rights come from?

The OP included in the title of this thread. I am reiterating what others have said. There is no default right that just because you are a parent your child owes you some level of relationship and togetherness. You chose to have a child, and you had their entire childhood to build either a positive or negative relationship with your child. If you have a positive relationship, then they will put effort into maintaining that. If you have a negative relationship, it will not be worth the effort to them to maintain togetherness. It is not about what kids are “supposed“ to do but about what stems naturally from the relationship.

I disagree, and believe that outside of abuse or neglect etc, you do owe your parents some obligation for raising you, even if you don't really like them, enough that there should be at least SOME contact (phone calls) and visits as a sign of respect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No one has a right to my time, attention, resources or love.

I call my parents once a week, send them memes and links on facebook or text cute kid photos a few times a week and visit a few times a year. But not because it is their right. Because I love them and enjoy our time together and find value in our relationship. While not perfect, they are loving, supportive and respectful of me and when we have issues, we address them out in the open with healthy communication.

My in-laws are a little annoying to me (since I am not adapted to their quirks), but they are kind, supportive and loving parents to DH, and wonderful grandparents. They are also respectful and considerate guests and come visit a few times a year and I facetime them a few times a month with the kids and DH calls and texts them in-between. But again, spending time together and communicating with them regularly is the natural result of our positive relationship with them. It is not their “right.”

why is ti import to you to repeat that they have no rights? where does this obsession with rights come from?

The OP included in the title of this thread. I am reiterating what others have said. There is no default right that just because you are a parent your child owes you some level of relationship and togetherness. You chose to have a child, and you had their entire childhood to build either a positive or negative relationship with your child. If you have a positive relationship, then they will put effort into maintaining that. If you have a negative relationship, it will not be worth the effort to them to maintain togetherness. It is not about what kids are “supposed“ to do but about what stems naturally from the relationship.

I disagree, and believe that outside of abuse or neglect etc, you do owe your parents some obligation for raising you, even if you don't really like them, enough that there should be at least SOME contact (phone calls) and visits as a sign of respect.

Because we all CHOSE to be born and everything. Right.

[Anonymous]

I am from Europe and I find these attitudes towards parents, ILS here very unusual. Family is family, when I married my DH's family became my family, they are white bread American type of family, but I realized that I didn't become their family. I think it goes both ways. My DH's grandmother asked my SIL and me, DH was working overseas at the time, which of their nice wooden furniture(small pieces like stools and such) would we like to get as they were getting older. SIL answered and I said, I don't know, I will ask DH, but I think he really likes the small stool. I was given a lecture by SIL(my age) about it not being my place. When MIL died I was the only one that went out of my way to cook for FIL and help, and when I asked, one day! if he likes this kind of stew that I prepared that day, that he will tell me after he eats it. This was after months of cooking for him. I am the one who tells DH to let go of annoying things his family does. So, I don't know, it seems to me it goes both ways. In Europe, in my family, we know traditions and we don't make a fuss about it. Parents do for us, and we do for them. I have no idea if this this just my country, probably there are many differences in every country in the world, in every family in the world. And my ILS might be just as unusual in the US compared to many other US families.