Do parents/in laws have any right to expect an effort at family togetherness?

[Anonymous]

I don't know anyone who has cut off or severely limited contact with parents/inlaws who did not do so because of abuse/neglect/incredible dysfunction on the part of cut off relatives. I think it's because we recognize abuse for what it is more now than in the past. Of course, given how much abuse is rug-swept, more people should be cutting off relatives.

Note that not coming home for Thanksgiving one year or prioritizing a nuclear family Christmas is not "cutting off" family. That's baby boomer nonsense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just think it speaks to the kind of relationship they have. My parents don't "expect" anything but I make a lot of effort to see them because I want to see them and spend time with them. My parents are independent and practical - they don't insist that we have to see each other on THE holiday. My in-laws, on the other hand, lay on the guilt trip, which actually annoys my spouse more than me (I think because I have emotional distance.). So it feels more like an obligation than something joyful.

+1

Yes, I feel a sense of obligation and gratitude to my parents. But I also love them and enjoy spending time with them. They are good houseguests and warm hosts. They are flexible and resourceful. They understand that I have competing obligations to my in-laws. They are not critical of how I raise my child, but also give good advice. All of that means that seeing them isn't just an obligation, but also a pleasure. They also raised me with an example of caring for their parents.

So while it's certainly the case that some people are just selfish, it's also the case that different families have different relationships--critical, controlling, cold parents who are constantly demanding that their kids satisfy their obligations are not going to have kids who make extra efforts to see them. And if you didn't model love and care for your elders, don't be surprised that your kids are like you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It really annoys me when parents talk about how they sacrificed to raise kids and then kids owe them something. Nope. You had kids because you wanted them. You had them for your own enjoyment and shouldn't have been such a martyr.

Such a twisted logic. By having children I did them a favor which is the biggest favor they could have gotten - being born. there is absolutely a reason to be grateful to be born. I certainly was grateful to my parents for giving me a chance at life.

Thanks Mom and dad for having sex so that I could be born. Um ok.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It really annoys me when parents talk about how they sacrificed to raise kids and then kids owe them something. Nope. You had kids because you wanted them. You had them for your own enjoyment and shouldn't have been such a martyr.

Such a twisted logic. By having children I did them a favor which is the biggest favor they could have gotten - being born. there is absolutely a reason to be grateful to be born. I certainly was grateful to my parents for giving me a chance at life.

Thanks Mom and dad for having sex so that I could be born. Um ok.

they could have aborted you and gave you up for adoption. so yeah you should thank them, asshole.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am from Europe and I find these attitudes towards parents, ILS here very unusual. Family is family, when I married my DH's family became my family, they are white bread American type of family, but I realized that I didn't become their family. I think it goes both ways. My DH's grandmother asked my SIL and me, DH was working overseas at the time, which of their nice wooden furniture(small pieces like stools and such) would we like to get as they were getting older. SIL answered and I said, I don't know, I will ask DH, but I think he really likes the small stool. I was given a lecture by SIL(my age) about it not being my place. When MIL died I was the only one that went out of my way to cook for FIL and help, and when I asked, one day! if he likes this kind of stew that I prepared that day, that he will tell me after he eats it. This was after months of cooking for him. I am the one who tells DH to let go of annoying things his family does. So, I don't know, it seems to me it goes both ways. In Europe, in my family, we know traditions and we don't make a fuss about it. Parents do for us, and we do for them. I have no idea if this this just my country, probably there are many differences in every country in the world, in every family in the world. And my ILS might be just as unusual in the US compared to many other US families.

Maybe that's why Europeans are marrying less and having fewer children.

Your comment makes no sense. They have fewer children because families are close? Because they don't have bitchy FILs?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm shocked at the number of young couples who seem to feel that any expected visits to or from family are unreasonable or who think its too much to expect them to help out/sacrifice for parents who've raised them. Is it just this forum or is there a total sense that parent's are there to serve children but never vice versa? I'm not talking about major financial burdens or letting parents move in with you, but occasional visits that last longer than the time it takes to eat and run, collect Xmas gifts or drop the kids off for free care?

I think that all family members have a right to desire whatever level of contact they desire with their extended family. I think that most people who avoid family holidays (or just dread them) do so either because the logistics of those holidays are incredibly burdensome or because the family members in question have a history of dysfunction. In my family, it's both, depending on the family member. My family lives on the west coast, and while I would love if we could spend more time with them, getting my family of 4 out to my mom's house for Christmas is about $3000 in plane tickets alone. We don't all fit in my mom's house, so we need to either AirBNB or stay in a hotel, which is easily another $500-1000 for the time we are out there, plus renting a car because the number of people exceeds the number of available car seats without a rental, so add another $300 or so for rental car. We also end up paying for most of the meals we eat as my mom has limited income, so going to see my parents for the holidays, before we buy any gifts of any kind for anyone, approaches a $5000 price tag and requires a day of travel on each end of the trip. It's not something we can do every year, no matter how much we want to. On my husband's side, any holiday will have at least one instance of his mom getting super upset because DH didn't look excited about something she cooked or because he accepted a call from his dad and brought the kids in to say hi on FaceTime (parents are divorced).

Visits to and from each of our families have their own difficulties attached to them. It's not about entitlement but individual family dynamics, none of which are things that strangers on an anonymous forum are familiar with.

[Anonymous]

My parents did a lot for me but have very low expectations. I am lucky. They also live across the country in a house not suitable for me to visit with my kids so visiting them is a non-starter. They know they're welcome to visit me whenever they like.

MIL lives with us so she gets plenty of together time. If she didn't live with us I am sure she would have some expectations but also wouldn't put up a fuss if we opted to spend a holiday with my family instead, for example. DH feels little duty to his mother and if she guilted him, he'd a) be pissed and b) never even think of caving.

Maybe I'm an outlier but that's my situation.