5th grade girls - is this typical?
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Anonymous
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There seems to be a lot of exclusion or random meanness hailing in the 5th grade at my daughter’s school. It started with kids being label as popular. How does that happen in ES? Apparently, those girls, “like to gossip and talk to boys a lot.” I’m not sure what that even means as I heard it from another girl. Then, some girls started finding ways to have lunch outside the cafeteria, but act secretive about it when asked. I’m not talking about a lunch club with the guidance counselor. They were using it to be exclusive. The teachers shut down one of their lunch clubs, but it doesn’t seem to have gone away. Just recently, my daughter’s BFF came up to her with and ther girl and said things meant to hurt her feelings and exclude her. I tried to figure out if there was a trigger, but it seems just random. WTH is going on? What is my roll and how do I help my daughter navigate what seems to be a much more complicated social world?
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Anonymous
| Happening in 5th. |
Anonymous
| Heck. What is my role? Autocorrect hates me |
Anonymous
| Unfortunately yes. No experience with sneaking out at lunch, but the popularly lists exists and are hurtful. Much worse when social media is involved. |
Anonymous
| ^^popularity |
Anonymous
| Did you ever read Judy Blume's Blubber when you were younger? Even if you did, it is worth a re-read. It was written in the 70s, but it absolutely nails the meanness and awful social dynamics of 5th grade girls. Trust me, this stuff is not new. Social media may facilitate it, but the hormonal stew that starts brewing around 5th grade has long been a source of this kind of social brinkmanship and cruelty. |
Anonymous
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I'm seeing random surprising exclusion as well and it's on racial lines. I encourage my daughter to like who she likes, be friends with who she wants to be friends with and not let others influence her feelings. So far, she has been excluded (she is a poc) and she has chosen to be friends with girls who are openly ostracized. She has accepted a diminished role which bothers me so I am offering alternative activities that will open her social group.
The part that I've found difficult is group events where my daughter has input or control (birthday party or other event at our house) and she invites friends who are taboo according to the popular girls even though they are part of our everyday lives. We invite but they choose not to come. It feels bad but I don't see a solution except to stop parties - and I think I am headed that direction. |
Anonymous
I haven't read it, but I will check it out. When my DD's best friend teamed up with another to be cruel to my daughter, I was really caught off=guard. She's the one kid who I've always thought was a really, genuinely nice person and her parents don't tolerate rudeness. I'm hoping this was a one-time thing, but that's probably a fairytale. |
Anonymous
I'm not quite sure I understand your post, are you saying that your daughter has befriended the non popular kids who are openly teased and this upsets you? And that she chooses to invite those kids to her parties and they don't show up? I had a comment but wanted to make sure I understand what you are saying first. |
Anonymous
How often are you having these parties? A birthday party would be once a year. Lots of things can change in a year. |
Anonymous
In 5th girls aren't "finding ways to have lunch outside the cafeteria." They are either allowed to or invited to do so. That sentence makes me think you are believing how other girls are interpreting it. I'm guessing there is another side to this. (I know once a kid thought my daughter was excluding her but her class had been instructed to try not talking for an hour to see what it felt like to have some disabilities, like cerebral palsy. It was all straightened out but the kids got a lesson on not assuming. It's wise not to champion your kids' causes based solely on their word. |
Anonymous
This is an important point -- even well-meaning parents will have kids who exclude from time to time. As they all move into the tween and teen years, it also becomes more difficult for parents to police everything. Personally, we don't tolerate exclusion with our kids, and yet we've sadly seen our insecure son participate in it. We lecture, teach, and discipline with the hope that somewhere along the line our messaging gets through to him. Insecure kids unfortunately follow the pack mentality, so we just have to keep working on them. |
Anonymous
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mom of 9th grader, this is not surprising. What you should do is equip your daughter to deal with these things because they will not go away. Get the book Queen Bees and Wannabees by Rosalind Wiseman. This is a great book to get you up to speed. A few other things that have helped my DD through these turbulent years
1) talk about what it means to be a good friend and help her notice when her friends (and she herself) are not living up to those expectations 2) facilitate out of school activities that create a new peer group and build her self confidence 3) assure her that everyone has their moments. My DD became quite capable of dismissing "drama drama drama" when she saw it going on. |
Anonymous
| This isn't true of ALL girls. Your daughter needs to be looking for higher quality friends. The kids in music and theater seem to have less of this. Popular doesn't mean well liked, it just means well known. The best lesson she can learn is if someone doesn't treat her well then they are out of her life. |
Anonymous
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OP, my daughter is also in 5th and I've observed (directly observed and heard about from my daughter) some really mean stuff. Girls actively saying "You're not allowed to be around us".
This is in a grade of previously really nice and goofy girls---no mean girl stuff at all until 5th grade. Some others are "on it" right away. Others are oblivious and others seems to actively condone is "5th grade girls will be 5th grade girls". It's frustrating. |