Teach me how to not be jealous

[Anonymous]

I grew up solidly middle class with big dreams and aspirations.Due to career choice and who I married, it looks like I’ll be living a normal solidly middle class life. This is all hunky dory except...all of the girlfriends I grew up with are already living extraordinary lives or are about to do so due to luck and/or who they married.

I live paycheck to paycheck in a tiny apartment. DH and I have boring unremarkable middlemclass jobs. Our idea of a fun date is to go to Wegmans on Saturday.

Friend A who grew up LMC and was a legal secretary is married to this multimillionaire and is now mistress of a huge estate and her husband bought them a new country home this weekend. She is oh so casually talking about looking forward to building a pool and having horses and I nod and find it incredible how her life turned out.

Another friend is marrying a creator of an app who is also a multimillionaire.

Another friend was a waitress who met her trustfujd husband at work and is now so happy and loving large.

We were all at the same place 5 years ago. Literally everyone I know has moved on in an extraordinary fashion but I’m still here living my ordinary life doing my horrible commute and stressing over money. Help me not be jealous and resentful. They just got lucky. I didn’t.

[Anonymous]

I don't know, I think "living a normal solidly middle class life" in the United States is pretty lucky.

[Anonymous]

You need to figure that out yourself, OP.

[Anonymous]

A friend with a country home that I don't have to maintain or pay for but can use?

Sign me up.

[Anonymous]

A couple of things.........

1. You have no idea what battle these people are fighting behind closed doors. Things may appear “amazing” from your perspective, but things are rarely as great as they appear.
2. Money CANNOT buy you happiness. It really can’t. It can buy you comforts and experiences, but not happiness.
3. You need to delight in what you have. You need to appreciate the little things. Take some time, volunteer at a food pantry or other organization that helps those who are less fortunate. There is no better way to feel grateful for what YOU have and to feel that you are making a difference.

Gain some perspective, OP.

[Anonymous]

Living paycheck to paycheck in a tiny apartment doesn’t seem middle class. But if you married someone you truly love, a tiny apartment is as good as a palace. Are your friends all very attractive but maybe married someone less attractive and interesting for money? I wouldn’t envy them. Their situation may look good only from the outside. You could work on your career so you don’t have to live paycheck to paycheck. Big dreams and aspirations need to be translated into action.

[Anonymous]

I think we all have times in our lives where our dreams get narrowed down to a few paths. Money was never my thing, but I had two friends give TED talks right about the time I had children and scaled back my career. I dont know. It passes. I am doing what is right for me.

[Anonymous]

So improve yourself. Get more education and a better job. Take more risks. Set goals and achieve them.

[Anonymous]

I think it's sad that you're not jealous of your friends' personal successes, just that of their husbands.

Didn't your peer group have any aspirations of their own besides marrying well?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So improve yourself. Get more education and a better job. Take more risks. Set goals and achieve them.

+1. Do it yourself rather than being jealous your DH isn't as rich as their DHs.

And money can't buy happiness. Maybe they do have a perfect marriage. Or maybe in 10 years their DHs will be unavailable, always working, having affairs, and uninvolved with their kids, and they'll be dreaming of life in a tiny apartment with a guy who actually cares about them.

[Anonymous]

Actively practice gratitude. Most of the world would love to be in your shoes, and you got there mostly by the luck of being born in or emigrating to the USA.

[Anonymous]

Ignore the PPs who suggest that your friends with seemingly perfect lives have secret struggles or tragedy. They might, but that's not the point. Schadenfreude is not the solution to your problem. On the one hand, you could still get lucky. Or you could make a list of actionable items that would lead to your vision of success and then, you know, take action.

I've had my own struggles with comparison and jealousy, for sure. I work hard to make my life what i want it to be. When you do that, it's amazing how little someone else's good fortune affects you other than to just be genuinely happy for them. Someone will always be richer, younger, more beautiful, better educated, better traveled...

There was another recent thread similar to this one, some good advice there too:
http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/670534.page

[Anonymous]

There are always trade-offs. More money, less time, more responsibility. Bigger homes, more to manage. High income, more to lose. Less income, money struggles. Small house, not enough room and clutter. Wealthy husband, may be older, more set in his ways. 30 year old with wealthy 50 year old may be good, but 45 yr old with 65, not so sexy and exciting.(of course, many of these marriages, statistically, have a much higher rate of divorce than "peer" marriages.)
We never know the "best" way to live, until we have already lived, and then think about the choices we have made, so don't be jealous, and appreciate what you have.

[Anonymous]

Do you love your husband / have a happy marriage, OP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you love your husband / have a happy marriage, OP?

I picked him based on his kindness, good heart and love for me. I never thought to filter based on income and socio-economic status. Watching my friends' lives blossom makes me wonder if I was too naive. I AM unhappy living in a cramped apartment, no vacations and coupon living.