When is teen violence ok?

[Anonymous]

My 15 year old daughter recently confessed to me that she had hit a boy in her class then he tried to hold her against a wall and kiss her against her will. She said that she wasn't sure what was going on, but she was scared and reacted without thinking and stuck him in the face, and then he ran away. She learned the next day that his nose was broken, although I understand he told his parents and the nurse that he fell down some stairs at school. I did hear from another parent about the kid with the broken nose - so I don't have any reason to think my daughter is making up the story. She was very nervous to tell me, and then the details just kind of spilled out.

My immediate reaction isn't to be mad at her, but to tell her that I was glad that she felt empowered to defend herself. However, we also talked about ensuring that her response to any future such incidents is perhaps a bit more measured. An unwanted kiss from a friend might warrant a slap, but a closed fist to the nose can be saved for someone from whom she feels a dangerous physical threat. I'm not inclined to contact the school or the other kid's parents to discuss, in part because she is afraid of getting into trouble for hurting him and in part because I figure it's her business and she seems to have handled it her own way. However, she still has the boy in several of her classes and she says he still watches her uncomfortably all the time, which makes me a bit nervous.

I'll add that we're not in DC, so I feel free sharing these details. However, I don't feel comfortable talking with friends here because I want to protect my daughter and I suppose also the boy's privacy. Should I be doing more? I'm not usually one to condone the use of violence, but I kind of feel like I don't need to address it as violence this time?

[Anonymous]

That sounds like self-defense against sexual assault to me and I’d take it to the principal as the first step in protecting your daughter from him in the future.

[Anonymous]

He held her against a wall. She felt threatened and defended herself. Do not question whether she overreacted or not. You’re not condoning violence. You’re condoning her defending herself.

I’d go back and back pedal the nonsense about being “measured.” He had no right to pin her against a wall. It wasn’t up to her to decide how to be “measured” in her response.

[Anonymous]

I would not be mad. She did the right thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would not be mad. She did the right thing.

This. Without question.

[Anonymous]

Good on your daughter, she felt threatened and she defended herself. Who knows how it would have progressed if she hadn't done something.

[Anonymous]

DH here: +1. You should be proud of her, not every kid has it in them to be so decisive in self defense. Good kid.

[Anonymous]

You and your daughter both need to explore why you both feel guilty about her act of self-defense. Is it because you feel the boy's rights are superior to hers? Or are you in an environment where you are certain, or at least fear, that if the fact are made known, he will be cleared and she will be punished? Or perhaps the whole concept of self defense is uncomfortable to you because of religious or pacifist values? This is worthy of a deep family discussion.

Then, think about why he lied about how is nose was broken.

[Anonymous]

OP here. To be clear, i'm not mad at her. I'm glad that she has boundaries, and has the confidence to defend them. I am deeply proud of her, often! However, I do believe that violence is a last resort, and I think this situation could have been addressed with a hard shove or a slap rather than a broken bone. Maybe that's me minimizing the trauma, or maybe that's me remembering the awkwardness of being a teenager and feeling sorry for the kid? I appreciate your feedback on this topic, and will dial back the "measured" part of the conversation a bit, so that she knows I fully support her actions without reservation.

I assume that the boy lied to the nurse and his parents because he's embarrassed. I assume he'd be teased quite a bit if the story got out. A couple of my daughter's friends know, but have not told others.

And in no freaking way are the boys rights superior to my daughters. But some teen boys are awkward, and this kid has liked her for a long time and obviously made the wrong move. I am angry that he scared my kid, but I feel bad that he got his nose broken. Few things in life are entirely one sided, even as a parent.

And I'm not sure what the school would do if I approached them. My daughter has begged me not to so as to avoid the attention and embarrassment. I'm still thinking about it because I'm not entirely comfortable that they're still in classes and clubs together for the rest of the year, but I also want to trust and empower my daughter to say what works for her.

[Anonymous]

Do you know his parents? If it really is a bad misunderstanding between kids who were otherwise friends, then they would both be helped by clearing the air in a safe way.

[Anonymous]

Op, she did the boy a favor. Hopefully he's learned an important lesson about how *not* to treat girls/women.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I don't know the parents well, although I have met them. They weren't really friends, although they have some classes and a club together and she has told me about him a few times because she knew he had a crush on her. The crush, obviously, was not mutual. I think he must be pretty clear about that now but I still wish the message had been delivered without blood loss.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I don't know the parents well, although I have met them. They weren't really friends, although they have some classes and a club together and she has told me about him a few times because she knew he had a crush on her. The crush, obviously, was not mutual. I think he must be pretty clear about that now but I still wish the message had been delivered without blood loss.

Better blood loss than a rape accusation later. Your dd's instinct was to protect herself. That is so much better for both of them than for her to feel like she shouldn't make a fuss at the time, then accuse him of assault later. She made her boundaries clear, and it's hopefully a lesson he'll carry with him in the future.

[Anonymous]

She also should report the sexual assault to the school. The boy lied about how he got it because he is a predator and was covering up for himself. Report it to the school before he rapes someone.

[Anonymous]

Of course she did the right thing. Self-defense.