When is teen violence ok?

[Anonymous]

She didn't do anything wrong. Just let it go and move on. The boy learned a embarrassing lesson.

[Anonymous]

You should be proud of your daughter!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. To be clear, i'm not mad at her. I'm glad that she has boundaries, and has the confidence to defend them. I am deeply proud of her, often! However, I do believe that violence is a last resort, and I think this situation could have been addressed with a hard shove or a slap rather than a broken bone. Maybe that's me minimizing the trauma, or maybe that's me remembering the awkwardness of being a teenager and feeling sorry for the kid? I appreciate your feedback on this topic, and will dial back the "measured" part of the conversation a bit, so that she knows I fully support her actions without reservation.

I assume that the boy lied to the nurse and his parents because he's embarrassed. I assume he'd be teased quite a bit if the story got out. A couple of my daughter's friends know, but have not told others.

And in no freaking way are the boys rights superior to my daughters. But some teen boys are awkward, and this kid has liked her for a long time and obviously made the wrong move. I am angry that he scared my kid, but I feel bad that he got his nose broken. Few things in life are entirely one sided, even as a parent.

And I'm not sure what the school would do if I approached them. My daughter has begged me not to so as to avoid the attention and embarrassment. I'm still thinking about it because I'm not entirely comfortable that they're still in classes and clubs together for the rest of the year, but I also want to trust and empower my daughter to say what works for her.

WTF? You need psychological help. You still keep talking about this measured bull shit. She was pinned against a wall - and clocked the offender. This shit IS one sided. He got what he deserved.

[Anonymous]

Another vote for “she did the right thing.” Look, I get that “violence is not the answer” is the mantra of modern times but let’s face it, sometimes a punch in the face accomplishes what no words ever could. I applaud her.

[Anonymous]

If someone had decked Mark Halperin the first time he groped them, he might have learned his lesson and still have his job.

Your daughter did the right thing, full stop. Someone laid hands on her in an unwanted way, and she fought back. We should hope all our daughters do the same thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm not inclined to contact the school or the other kid's parents to discuss, in part because she is afraid of getting into trouble for hurting him and in part because I figure it's her business and she seems to have handled it her own way. However, she still has the boy in several of her classes and she says he still watches her uncomfortably all the time, which makes me a bit nervous.

I would get the school involved, because the incident happened at school, AND she is going to be uncomfortable around him at school. She acted in self-defense, and you should make clear that you have her back on that point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm not inclined to contact the school or the other kid's parents to discuss, in part because she is afraid of getting into trouble for hurting him and in part because I figure it's her business and she seems to have handled it her own way. However, she still has the boy in several of her classes and she says he still watches her uncomfortably all the time, which makes me a bit nervous.

I would get the school involved, because the incident happened at school, AND she is going to be uncomfortable around him at school. She acted in self-defense, and you should make clear that you have her back on that point.

This, but you have to get her on board too or she may "pull her punches" next time and be scared to defend herself. And if there is not a next time with this boy or in HS, there may be a next time in college, or at a job, or....

I get that she is scared friends will find out, teachers will find out. I would approach this with school with some care but yes, I would start with the counselor and say that you need to talk in confidence.

OP, please listen to the above poster who said you and she both really, really need to TALK about this and think hard about why you both seem to feel guilty for her defending yourself. I know you came back later and said you were proud of her, but then you talked about how you felt violence was a last resort and how you were concerned that her reactions be more "measured" in the future. That is very worrying.

Talking that way to her will very likely make her feel even more that she did something wrong and she will internalize the message -- whether you mean it or not, whether you use these words or not -- that she shouldn't have punched someone who was forcing himself on her. And yes, he WAS forcing himself on her. Please don't let her think that "just a kiss" is OK if she does not want it, or that she should not use a punch to the nose if that's what her instinct tells her to do. Being held against a wall is not a time to measure your response.

Your daughter needs to take a women's self-defense class ASAP because there, someone who is NOT mom or dad or a friend will tell her point-blank that she must defend herself physically, and she will practice physical techniques for defense and flight. I would find her a class (some are one-time seminars, we're not talking about weeks and weeks of class here) immediately. See if she has friends who want to go as a group. If I were you I would take it separately but not with her, because your presence might make her feel she needs to be a good kid and not violent.

Make sure it's a real, hands-on class that teaches actual techniques and has the girls and women DOING them to a person who is pretending to come after them. Some classes, Iv'e found, are really just seminars or talk about bullying when what you want is the kinds of hands-on anti-rape class that is often taught by local police departments for the community. She needs to be in a place where she is hearing that it is not only OK but essential to use her body against someone else. Start by calling your local police and if they don't teach them they may know who does. Search online and at your community centers or recreation department.

I totally understand your worry about your child breaking someone's nose but truly, speaking here as a mom of a HS daughter, this is a HUGE learning opportunity you do not want to miss. Jump on it. And the lesson is not "measure your response" but "never tolerate anyone doing that to you." I hope you'll come back and say you've gotten her into a self-defense seminar and also that you and she (and her dad) have had a talk about how this wasn't "teen violence" -- it was self-defense.

[Anonymous]

She did great. If they were just flirting a bit but nothing else, then he shouldn't have done that. He may have just been playing around but he took it too far. It was ok for her to push him off. It was not her fault he fell and broke his nose. That was an accident. Better she protect herself than not.

[Anonymous]

Good job on her part. Yeah, maybe she could've just shoved him (or, you know, kneed him in a sensitive spot) but...tough. If someone assaults you and you hit back harder, they shouldn't be whining.

Now suppose she hadn't and had reported it (which is supposedly the correct, nonviolent thing to do).

Do you suppose the school would've punished the boy?
I'd put a large sum of money on "Not a chance."

She would've heard some variant of "he didn't mean it" / "he didn't know" / "he just likes her". Or she would've been told she shouldn't have been there / she was leading him on / was wearing something "provocative".

I actually think the whole school (or at least the boy's parents) should know the story: the boy forced himself on her, she fought back. Yeah, the boy looks like an idiot. Too bad. If his parents have any sense, he'll have some additional punishment at home. If it were up to me, he'd be doing your daughter's chores for a month and/or working to earn money for a generous donation to a charity of your daughter's choosing (or paying for her self-defense classes--ha!).

Oh and +100 to the self-defense training. "DD, you did a great job standing up for yourself and I am so proud of you. How about we hone those skills? Sadly, even in the post-Harvey Weinstein era, it might not be the last time you need them."

voI'm sure the school or some would say "it's just a kiss blah blah she wasn't in serious danger blah blah." Then

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He held her against a wall. She felt threatened and defended herself. Do not question whether she overreacted or not. You’re not condoning violence. You’re condoning her defending herself.

I’d go back and back pedal the nonsense about being “measured.” He had no right to pin her against a wall. It wasn’t up to her to decide how to be “measured” in her response.

Made me scared just thinking about being pinned. Glad she defended herself.

[Anonymous]

Did I miss a post? OP, why didn't you report this to the school? Glad your DD is defending herself,but if boy is pinning girls against the wall, this should be reported. Some boys (men) think a broken nose is "foreplay".

[Anonymous]

OP again. I think some of you are reacting to the headline of my post, and not the content of what I've said. Let me be clear - I support my daughter, and the boy was clearly wrong for trying to kiss her against her will. She was right to react instinctually. I don't usually condone violence and I wish there was another way, but I sure don't think she was in the wrong here.

I do appreciate the suggestion that I reinforce that message by signing her up for a self defense course. That's a great idea. She and I talked about it, and we've signed her up for a weekend course in November. She had actually done a course through the school a year ago, but I'm happy for her to do something more in depth and empowering now. That's a great way to channel some of this energy and make sure she has an outlet to reinforce her strength and get more positive support.

I'm still not sure about whether to approach the school or not. I think I want to empower her to continue to chart her own course, rather than intervene in a mommy knows best kind of way. But we'll see how these next few days go.

Thanks again for your input and support.

[Anonymous]

REPORT to the principal now, and for all future incidents report immediately.

[Anonymous]

OP, you have to report this to the school administration. Have we not learned anything from these disgusting reports of sexual harassment and assault these past few weeks? They continued because no one reported them. Women were fearful of losing their jobs and retaliation.

Yes, this boy got a clear message from your daughter, but who is to say he really understands how wrong it was to pin a girl up against a wall to try to kiss her? He needs other adults to know about this so he can (hopefully) learn and not do this again to someone else.

Honestly, this isn’t your daughter’s decision to make. You need to report this. Imagine if he’s done this before and other parents knew about it, but didn’t report it. You’d be upset that your daughter was put in this position when it could have been prevented.

Report it tomorrow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Another vote for “she did the right thing.” Look, I get that “violence is not the answer” is the mantra of modern times but let’s face it, sometimes a punch in the face accomplishes what no words ever could. I applaud her.

The correct application of "violence is not the answer" is that pushing someone against the wall and forcing them to kiss you (I.e. sexual violence) is not the answer.