My mother is ignoring me again!

[Kaz64]

Hi everyone, I’mnew to posting in forums but I’m currently feeling so awaful that I felt sharing may help.

My mother is now into her third week of ignoring me. She has done this to me all my life, as far back as I can remember. It was worse when I lived at home and she could be in the same room yet still ignore me. Sometime she will ignore me for a week, sometimes for months and I am left feeling lost, bewildered. By the way I am 52 and live 250 miles away from her, yet I know when she is ignoring me - no phone calls, no messages.

Currently my daughter is having some relationship problems and my mother is dying to know what is going on. She is hounding my daughter, telling her that she, as her grandmother, has a right to know her problems. Generally my mother is adding to my daughter’s problems. Being her mum, I intervened and asked my mother to leave her alone. Big mistake! A week after no phone calls I rang to be told “the way you spoke to me, you have no right, I am your mother etc”. Oh she went on about how I never have any time for her and what her rights are as a mother to me, then she said “I suppose you are going to cry now, as you always do”, then she put the phone down.

Usually, after a few days, I would ring, beg, ask to speak to my dad, beg him to sort things out, but this time I’m not going to. It hurts so much but I am just getting through each day thinking “no, don’t call”. She has told my son that she deserves an apology and she will not speak again to me until she has one. He suggested she was being a little unfair but then he got accused of taking sides.

I really don’t know how a mother can do this to her only child. I try to do everything to please her, but always there is some thing I do that causes such wrath followed by her ignoring me. I usually don’t even know what I have said or done until she tells me. I wonder now how long this time.

[Anonymous]

OP, it's hard to tell who is more dysfunctional in this drama, you or your mother. It's time for therapy.

[Anonymous]

Hold your ground, OP. She sounds horrible. I’m sorry you have to deal with that. In addition to giving yourself some space, think of it as setting an example for your daughter, so that she learns to set boundaries, too,rather than put up with her hounding.

[Anonymous]

Kaz64 wrote:Hi everyone, I’mnew to posting in forums but I’m currently feeling so awaful that I felt sharing may help.

My mother is now into her third week of ignoring me. She has done this to me all my life, as far back as I can remember. It was worse when I lived at home and she could be in the same room yet still ignore me. Sometime she will ignore me for a week, sometimes for months and I am left feeling lost, bewildered. By the way I am 52 and live 250 miles away from her, yet I know when she is ignoring me - no phone calls, no messages.

Currently my daughter is having some relationship problems and my mother is dying to know what is going on. She is hounding my daughter, telling her that she, as her grandmother, has a right to know her problems. Generally my mother is adding to my daughter’s problems. Being her mum, I intervened and asked my mother to leave her alone. Big mistake! A week after no phone calls I rang to be told “the way you spoke to me, you have no right, I am your mother etc”. Oh she went on about how I never have any time for her and what her rights are as a mother to me, then she said “I suppose you are going to cry now, as you always do”, then she put the phone down.

Usually, after a few days, I would ring, beg, ask to speak to my dad, beg him to sort things out, but this time I’m not going to. It hurts so much but I am just getting through each day thinking “no, don’t call”. She has told my son that she deserves an apology and she will not speak again to me until she has one. He suggested she was being a little unfair but then he got accused of taking sides.

I really don’t know how a mother can do this to her only child. I try to do everything to please her, but always there is some thing I do that causes such wrath followed by her ignoring me. I usually don’t even know what I have said or done until she tells me. I wonder now how long this time.

I think this is your problem right here. Your mother is used to getting her way and responds like a child with a temper tantrum when she doesn't. If you want things to change, stop giving in to her. I'm sorry she puts you through this; it's not how a mother should be. I agree with seeking therapy to learn to put up proper boundaries, and moreso to learn to accept not having the relationship you should with your mother because of her childish behavior.

[Anonymous]

OP, your mother is emotionally abusive. She's giving you the silent treatment to punish you for challenging her. Please stand your ground. You're 50 years old and not a child anymore. You can stop this nonsense by not playing along. Stay strong for your own daughter.

Read this:
https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/silent-treatment-a-narcissistic-persons-preferred-weapon-0602145

[Anonymous]

Your mother sounds toxic and abusive. Hold your ground. You did nothing wrong whatsoever, and her desire to “punish” you is weird and sick. I’m sorry she sucks.

Do you get anything positive out of your relationship with her?

[Anonymous]

OP--- print this article out and read it 50 times. Carry it around with you. Learn it and live it:
https://pairedlife.com/problems/Best-Ways-to-Respond-to-Silent-Treatment

[Anonymous]

Ignore the first poster. They're an ass. Sorry to hear you're going through this OP. My mother does the same and always has. She's currently going on 3 years of minimal contact with us because she feels we rejected her by moving for a job opportunity and better schools for our kids (we were in a DC suburb with terrible schools and couldn't afford private). She used to go weeks at home without speaking to me as a child. I understand both the desire to re-establish contact and the anger that comes from being unfairly "punished" in this way. You did nothing wrong and you're setting a good example of boundaries for your daughter. People are allowed to have their privacy and it's not a rejection of your mother that your daughter needs some space. Some people will take everything personally no matter what so there's no point in trying to appease them because it will always be something. I know that's easier said than done and it doesn't make it any less painful. I actually came on to post a question about whether I should reach out to my mom *again* when I saw your post. I've had many years of therapy and while I understand it all intellectually and in my more rationale moments can look at it from a distance, it still hurts a lot to have a mom who is so spiteful. Moms are supposed to protect us, not hurt us and it sounds like that's exactly what you're doing for your daughter. Kudos for breaking that cycle and hugs to you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, it's hard to tell who is more dysfunctional in this drama, you or your mother. It's time for therapy.

I'd put it more kindly, since OP can only fix herself.

OP - I think you need some help learning to look for less from your mom and to learn how not to perpetuate this pattern with your daughter.

Good for you for standing up to your mom. She may be right that you weren't as nice as you could have been when you did it, but if you protected your daughter, you did it well enough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ignore the first poster. They're an ass. Sorry to hear you're going through this OP. My mother does the same and always has. She's currently going on 3 years of minimal contact with us because she feels we rejected her by moving for a job opportunity and better schools for our kids (we were in a DC suburb with terrible schools and couldn't afford private). She used to go weeks at home without speaking to me as a child. I understand both the desire to re-establish contact and the anger that comes from being unfairly "punished" in this way. You did nothing wrong and you're setting a good example of boundaries for your daughter. People are allowed to have their privacy and it's not a rejection of your mother that your daughter needs some space. Some people will take everything personally no matter what so there's no point in trying to appease them because it will always be something. I know that's easier said than done and it doesn't make it any less painful. I actually came on to post a question about whether I should reach out to my mom *again* when I saw your post. I've had many years of therapy and while I understand it all intellectually and in my more rationale moments can look at it from a distance, it still hurts a lot to have a mom who is so spiteful. Moms are supposed to protect us, not hurt us and it sounds like that's exactly what you're doing for your daughter. Kudos for breaking that cycle and hugs to you!

My MIL raised two children in a house where she did this.

Did not work out too well for her once there were DILs who didn't put up with this crap. Caused a lot of trouble in our marriages until her boys realized that there were healthier ways to be and stopped putting up with it.

[Anonymous]

Thank you so much for reading my post and for your reples. I have read and will re-read the suggested articles. And to the poster whose mother “does the same and always has”, you so understand. I’m lucky that my dad was always been there and never ignored me, if not, I do feel I would be totally dysfunctional. As it is, I do have some insight and I know that my mother has issues. It’s just so hard being her daughter and, with having 2 kids of my own, not knowing how she could be this way. Yes, throughout our lives my kids and I have had disagreements and arguments but, other than the cooling off period, I have never ignored them and now I feel we all get on so well.

How can my mother and I resolve things with no communication? But why should there be something to resolve?

Every day I will read the articles to reinforce my decision that this time I will not call her, apologise to her and beg for her forgiveness, which anyway, would only last until my next misdemeanour!

Bye the way she would never consider counselling. Why should someone who is always right and who knows that they are, consider therapy?

Thank you again.

[Anonymous]

I'm struggling to understand why you would even mention your daughter's relationship problems to your mother given her history of emotional abuse. Don't drag you daughter down with you.

[Anonymous]

How do you explain this to your children without placing them in the middle of this mess? I think a little therapy could be helpful. You need a plan to deal with her. Do you have siblings? How on earth does your father deal?

[Anonymous]

11:32 here again - I wish we could have coffee OP It's hard for others to understand if they haven't been through it or haven't experienced it to the same extent. I also agree as a mother it's sometimes more painful to think how our own mothers could do this since now that I have kids I see how vulnerable they are. Of course I get irritated with them and need time apart every now and then but I would never just stop talking to them. You're lucky your dad was there for you. My mom's husband took her side mostly, I think because he was afraid of her. I understand he did what he also had to do to survive though and keep the peace with her. She's not someone where you want to get on her bad side! Since I've been an adult she's cut off her only 2 or 3 friends for various slights as well. Does your mom have friends or get along with others? Just curious since I've always wondered about that dynamic too. For the PP who asked why you tell your mom anything, don't feel bad about trying to keep her a part of your life. Most people like this are skilled at making you feel bad if you don't give enough and as children (no matter how old we are) it's natural to want connection with a parent, even if they're not healthy.

[Anonymous]

oops and one more thing - I've always gently tried to suggest my mom get some "support" but she won't do that because she's right and everyone else is wrong and every counselor is an idiot, etc. It hurts to see her suffering too because I know a person who is even mildly content wouldn't live like she does.