My mother is ignoring me again!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm struggling to understand why you would even mention your daughter's relationship problems to your mother given her history of emotional abuse. Don't drag you daughter down with you.[/quote

I didn’t mention my daughter’s problems to her. My daughter sent my dad a birthday card and signed it with just her name - why? My mother was immediately contacting me asking me why she hadn’t also put her partner’s name on the card. Me, being the honest and and fair minded daughter, told her the basic story but stressed that it was not my business and that she should ask her granddaughter if she wanted to know anymore. My daughter also told her as much as I did (really there is not much to tell) but my mother feels there is more to know and won’t rest until she feels she knows every single detail. Despite being grilled, my daughter, my son and I really have nothing else to tell her, but she thinks there is more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thank you so much for reading my post and for your reples. I have read and will re-read the suggested articles. And to the poster whose mother “does the same and always has”, you so understand. I’m lucky that my dad was always been there and never ignored me, if not, I do feel I would be totally dysfunctional. As it is, I do have some insight and I know that my mother has issues. It’s just so hard being her daughter and, with having 2 kids of my own, not knowing how she could be this way. Yes, throughout our lives my kids and I have had disagreements and arguments but, other than the cooling off period, I have never ignored them and now I feel we all get on so well.

How can my mother and I resolve things with no communication? But why should there be something to resolve?

Every day I will read the articles to reinforce my decision that this time I will not call her, apologise to her and beg for her forgiveness, which anyway, would only last until my next misdemeanour!

Bye the way she would never consider counselling. Why should someone who is always right and who knows that they are, consider therapy?

Thank you again.

OP, I endorse the pps' suggestions to seek therapy and work on boundaries. Part of working on boundaries is to accept that your mother is not going to change and you have to stop trying to change her. That means grieving for the mother you should have had but didn't get. That is extremely painful but it is a process that has an end to it. You've been trying to change her for decades now and you know in your heart it will never work - but even when people know that, we keep on trying because we don't want to accept the painful truth.

On another note, I'm not sure whether you should have intervened in the exchange between your mother and your daughter. Maybe if your daughter is quite young and can't stand up for herself - but generally I'm inclined to think it's better for her to handle her own relationship with her grandmother instead of having you intervene. In a way, you made things worse and created more turmoil for yourself. But I don't know the details so perhaps it was the right thing to do. At any rate, you may want to reflect on your own actions and ask yourself whether they are helpful to you or are adding to the tumult.

Good luck with this. It is really hard to disengage from a toxic parent. Hope things get better!

[Anonymous]

Hi Annonymous 11.32, coffee sounds great!

With regard to my dad, when I was young and at home, he would, at first bury his head, but as the days of ignoring me increased and my levels of distress rose, which she never noticed, he would step in. They would then have a big argument but at least my mother would start talking to me again. I left home at 21 and moved from the north to the south of England. Since then she has had, too many to count, episodes of ignoring me. During these times my dad would go the to local phone box to ring me - he couldn’t ring from home because mother would check the itemised phone bill and he would be in trouble! Unfortunely, at 83, he is now too old to go the phone box.

With regard to friends my mother has few but, what I struggle to cope with is that she managed to stop all contact between my dad and his 2 brothers (they were very close brothers playing snooker and bowling together). She fell out with their wives, so badly, that there has now been no contact for over 30 years. She also repeatedly would fall out with and ignore her own mother for months at a time. Without telling her, I would very regularly visit my lovely grandmother.

Thank you for understanding my feelings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm struggling to understand why you would even mention your daughter's relationship problems to your mother given her history of emotional abuse. Don't drag you daughter down with you.

I didn’t mention my daughter’s problems to her. My daughter sent my dad a birthday card and signed it with just her name - why? My mother was immediately contacting me asking me why she hadn’t also put her partner’s name on the card. Me, being the honest and and fair minded daughter, told her the basic story but stressed that it was not my business and that she should ask her granddaughter if she wanted to know anymore. My daughter also told her as much as I did (really there is not much to tell) but my mother feels there is more to know and won’t rest until she feels she knows every single detail. Despite being grilled, my daughter, my son and I really have nothing else to tell her, but she thinks there is more.

Okay here's an excellent example of where you didn't set boundaries. You should not have told your mother anything about your daughter's relationship. First of all, you don't know why the partner's name wasn't on it. Second, even if you did, you should have told your mother to ask your daughter. You just made things worse by telling your mother what you did. I know it feels like you have to tell her these things but that's only because she's got you brainwashed into thinking you don't deserve boundaries. When it comes to your mom, keep on working on not engaging with her craziness. It will be hard at first but eventually it will become easier with time. Your relationship may even get better - but there's no guarantee of that. All you can do is make your relationship with yourself better!

[Anonymous]

Hugs, OP. My mother's the same way, so I understand your heartbreak and confusion.

[Anonymous]

OP Sorry but your mother is a bitch.

My mother used to give me the silent treatment and only after I turned the tables did she recognize how hurtful it was. I told her that I would give her the silent treatment twice as long as she did to me. She did not answer my calls for 2 weeks, when she finally did, I said "I'll call you in a month to see if you want to talk".

[Anonymous]

Your mom is truly toxic and abusive.

Now that I'm a mom myself, I struggle to reconcile some of the emotional abuse I endured with my mom. The biggest one is her making me responsible for her moods and happiness. But she's not as extreme as your mother, who goes to the extent of isolating her husband and holding her family hostage to her mood swings.

[Anonymous]

OP oh how I feel for you!!! My mother does the SAME thing. Always has. This is how she thinks she will get her way. She literally thinks she will out-stubborn people into submission.

When I was a kid, she would pout and sulk and give me the "nevermind" until I agreed to do things her way, which as a child I always did because what child doesn't want to please her mother.

Now that we are adults, and she lives with me (LONG story), she tries the same shit. But now, I am a little more secure in my decisions and do not give in. Her latest was that she got offended that I didn't tell her about something. So instead of telling me "hey, you made me mad, you should have told me about such and such." She made a huge scene and didn't talk to me for weeks. Then when I finally confronted her about it, I was so angry at the silent treatment and walking on egg shells in my own house that we said some pretty nasty things. Mind you, I still didn't give in to her original demand which started the whole thing.

It's infuriating and exhausting to deal with this every day.

[Anonymous]

Hey OP, there's a helpful book called "Boundaries." It reinforces ways to help you withstand her various toxic behaviors.

My husband's mom is like yours, and mine is to some degree. They try to separate people so that they can be the ones controlling them, as your mom has done with everyone in your family.

When my MIL gives the silent treatment or gets angry, we back away and don't react or say a word. Her feelings are her problem, and if she chooses not to speak, fine.

And finally, do NOT give your mom any info about yourself or your kids. Minimum info is best. Practice being vague and have set responses saying you don't know (or whatever), and answer that way no matter how she badgers you.

[Anonymous]

OP,

DO NOT CALL. let her stew for as long as need be, until she dies if she's stubborn. Do not have anything to do with her, do not treat her as family, do not ever share any private information with her. Tell your children not to share their private information with her - you see what she does with it, tries to control every one of you. Treat her as a stranger, and politely discuss innocuous topics. Hang up when she gets frustrated.

You are 52. Boundaries should have been established DECADES ago. She has no respect for you because you came crawling back to her all these years, whatever she threw at you, which frankly is cringe-worthy. I wouldn't have any respect for you either!

Please teach your children that this kind of behavior is unacceptable. Please do not copy your mother in this or any other bad behavior - when you've lived like this for ever, certain behaviors get ingrained. Be very careful.

Stay strong, OP, and believe in your right to be treated with respect.

[Anonymous]

My mother gave me silent treatments growing up. The only power you have is to stop caring. You have to detach emotionally and then any “leverage” she gains from doing what she’s doing will vanish. Just let go of your side of the rope, so to speak. It’s completely liberating.

My mother still gives me the silent treatment and when she does I consider it a welcome break from speaking to her and I genuinely don’t think about her at all while she’s ignoring me. Don’t care. And then one day she usually calls and acts like nothing has happened. Okay. I just chat with her like she’s some random old lady I should be decent to because we’re all human and I want to show her basic kindness. That’s the level of relationship we have. And it’s realky ok. I’m at peace with it.

[Anonymous]

Thank you for all your replies, for your advice and support. I am staying strong but it’s hard. I am not going to contact her. I just wish she wasn’t on my mind so much, everytime I have time to think I find myself having conversations with her in my head. “Why mum?, what satisfaction are you getting from this latest episode of silent treatment?” I hope the overwhelming episodes of grief and subsequent tears stop soon.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thank you for all your replies, for your advice and support. I am staying strong but it’s hard. I am not going to contact her. I just wish she wasn’t on my mind so much, everytime I have time to think I find myself having conversations with her in my head. “Why mum?, what satisfaction are you getting from this latest episode of silent treatment?” I hope the overwhelming episodes of grief and subsequent tears stop soon.

The grief and tears will never end as long as you're in contact with her. She is the cause of your pain and doesn't seem to care enough about you to stop. Rid your life of this poison. If and when she contacts you just say you' re busy and can't talk right now. Then say bye and hang up.

[Anonymous]

That was a little harsh PP. i'm the previous history was talked about being in a similar situation, and even though I am in no longer really in contact with my mom, it still hurts OP after several years. I don't think of it as often maybe, but I can't say the feeling ever goes away. Don't let anyone blame you or make you feel bad for wanting to have a connection with her. We are biologically wired to see proximity to our parents even when they are totally unhealthy. I have worked with plenty of adults who know their parents are awful, but still occasionally feel pangs of temptation to try to repair things. Stay strong OP and let the healthy people in your life who love you support you.

[Anonymous]

Get your father a cell phone so you two can talk. Try to reconcile him and his brothers.