Leave or stay?

[Anonymous]

No sex for the last 4 years since our daughter was born. DH is a great father and does a bulk of the childcare and housework all by himself. He has career frustrations. He used to be physically affectionate but his work worries went into high gear and there is very little touching. He has always been a teller. A lot of yelling when he is frustrated. We never had much sexual attraction, now it is non-existent. Married for 10 years, together for 15.

I am not entirely blameless. I had a rough time after childbirth, currently am contemplating a job change and stressed about it. I have a crush on my married coworker ( work with him only 2-3 times a month when necessary and otherwise avoid interacting with him). Guess I am emotionally cheating and realize it is because my needs are not being met.

I go through days when I wish things were better in my life and think of ways to fix things. Other days, I wish I had the courage to make a clean break and get a chance to start over with somebody else. Whenever I suggest a divorce, DH acts like I am crazy. I have considered marriage counseling but I think they will tell us to connect and have sex.

If you have been in a similar situation and managed to resolve it, do you have advice for me?

[Anonymous]

I think you owe it yourselves and your daughter to give marriage counseling and individual counseling a try.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you owe it yourselves and your daughter to give marriage counseling and individual counseling a try.

OP here: when I think of marriage counseling, I worry that they will ask me what my desired outcome for the current situation would be and I won't have an answer for them. How does individual counseling work? With the same counseller? Or each of us gets their own therapist?

[Anonymous]

It sounds to me like you want to leave. So leave.

[Anonymous]

Did you make marriage vows? If so, let them guide you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you owe it yourselves and your daughter to give marriage counseling and individual counseling a try.

OP here: when I think of marriage counseling, I worry that they will ask me what my desired outcome for the current situation would be and I won't have an answer for them. How does individual counseling work? With the same counseller? Or each of us gets their own therapist?

Most people who go into marriage counseling are ambivalent, how could you not be? They are not sure if they can improve the marriage, if they want to improve the marriage or if they will improve the marriage but they are there to get some clarity. Look at it as an avenue to motive the relationship, not necessarily the marriage, so that you can be more cooperative in the future whether you stay together or not.

[Anonymous]

"Dave, you and I both know we have a problem. We haven't had sex in years. You seem angry and unhappy. Honestly, I'm not happy either. I'm not blaming you, and I'm not blaming me either. But something has to change, right? So, what do you think? Should we try counseling? What can we do to try to fix this? I know we both love little Larla, and I think she deserves having a shot of a happy home. And I love you too, Dave...that's why I married you. So, what do you think?"

Then listen. And be prepared for him to get defensive/yell or say he wants out. If you aren't prepared for that, then don't have the conversation.

[Anonymous]

When you say there was always minimal sexual attraction between you - is that on your end, too? Or had you been desiring sex, and he was rejecting you?

It’s hard to rekindle a romantic/sexual connection that never existed. You say he doesn’t meet your needs - what could he do differently to help you feel connected to him?

[Anonymous]

Also - why did you marry him? What was your connection like then?

[Anonymous]

Sleep with the bank teller.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you owe it yourselves and your daughter to give marriage counseling and individual counseling a try.

OP here: when I think of marriage counseling, I worry that they will ask me what my desired outcome for the current situation would be and I won't have an answer for them. How does individual counseling work? With the same counseller? Or each of us gets their own therapist?

So you're afraid to go to counseling because you might have to try to clarify what you want??? Come on. That's exactly what you're doing here. It's just anonymous and you're not really held accountable.

Grow up and get some marriage counseling. Who knows what the end result will be. Do it for your daughter. She deserves to have two parents that are mature to do everything they can to keep her family in tact AND happy. And if the in tact part can't happen, then her parents will at least be in a better place to figure out how to co-parent in different households.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you owe it yourselves and your daughter to give marriage counseling and individual counseling a try.

OP here: when I think of marriage counseling, I worry that they will ask me what my desired outcome for the current situation would be and I won't have an answer for them. How does individual counseling work? With the same counseller? Or each of us gets their own therapist?

So you're afraid to go to counseling because you might have to try to clarify what you want??? Come on. That's exactly what you're doing here. It's just anonymous and you're not really held accountable.

Grow up and get some marriage counseling. Who knows what the end result will be. Do it for your daughter. She deserves to have two parents that are mature to do everything they can to keep her family in tact AND happy. And if the in tact part can't happen, then her parents will at least be in a better place to figure out how to co-parent in different households.

I don't understand this total lack of maturity, connection or communication in this marriage - by both of you.
You currently do not have a marriage of any kind here. Yes, you should go to marriage counseling and try to reconnect or at least try to gain some communication skills that you can use while you raise your DD together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Also - why did you marry him? What was your connection like then?

Met when I was in my early 20s. Was attracted physically and mentally. Relationship became long distance for 5 years as we went to grad school. But we stayed monogamous and committed. When we started living together again, it was different, we had jobs, mental intimacy with each other, physically attracted but not like before but weren't attracted to other people. We were not unhappy. My daughter was a difficult child, we were exhausted but dealing. Around age 3, when things started to settle down with my DD, I started getting clear-headed, changed birth control and regained my sex drive. No date nights ever. DH has ADHD and can't handle more than a few things at a time. He is also 6 years older. I feel alive and vital now. I look at other married couples and am envious of them.

[Anonymous]

OP here: we also come from conservative families. Divorce is frowned upon. We have never had sex with anybody else.

[Anonymous]

I do think that if you once were connected emotionally and physically, you can rekindle it. That can be a goal of marital counseling. If it’s not effective then you can navigate how to coparent in different households.