my mom is full time caretaker of stepbrother's kids

[Anonymous]

My mom is basically raising my stepbrother's children right now. He is separating from his wife after they moved to the Pacific Northwest and wouldn't acknowledge anyone in our family for years. Their kids are 2 & 6. My stepbrother is living in my mom and stepdad's house right now and has been there 4 months. My mom is the primary caretaker. I'm 30/f and have no kids yet (but want them) and am in a serious relationship. I have also been abroad for almost a year and just returned for a short visit. I'm being made to stay in a hotel and my mom never has a free moment because the kids are constantly clinging to her and need something.

My stepbrother used to talk to so much s*** about my mom with his wife. They would say how horrible she was as a caretaker (she took care of the firstborn when he was a baby and they worked). He also called my mom a b**** and a whore. But now he lives in their house rent free, free food, etc and his kids are given everything including free child care. His wife is living in an apartment and only sees the kids sometimes... and everyone is saying she is a terrible caretaker, etc.. She is threatening suicide.

I feel angry and pissed off. I've tried to talk to my mom about it to no avail and she cuts me off and her usual excuse is she doesn't want to talk about it in front of the kids (while she begins to scream and get angry). There is never ever a free moment to speak to her. She said that I'm being made to stay in a hotel because it's too stressful in the house. They have a 6 bedroom house. I'm beside myself. It hurts. I told her I may never come back to visit. She said "fine."

I'm also adopted. This is my adoptive mom. I feel rejected and hurt. My other two siblings visited over the summer. Each stayed around 3-5 days with their kids. I'm the only one without kids in the family. I really don't know what to do from here.

[Anonymous]

You have your answers. Mom doesn't care if you stay in a hotel. Stepbrother sure doesn't care about anyone but himself. You have to take care of yourself, OP.

[Anonymous]

Well, the kids do need someone, so I can understand why she is putting minor children ahead of adults.

[Anonymous]

I understand you are feeling upset and abandoned, but your mother is in a much worse situation. It sounds like the stress is getting to her but she can’t do anything about it because those poor kids need her. I don’t have any advice other than take the long view and try to feel some compassion for your mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have your answers. Mom doesn't care if you stay in a hotel. Stepbrother sure doesn't care about anyone but himself. You have to take care of yourself, OP.

I'm the OP and I meant to add that my mom said that she's trying to help me by telling me to stay in a hotel so that it won't be stressful on me, so that I can rest after being on such a long flight because there are kids in the house. But I still don't get it. My brother and sister both stayed there over the summer with their families (they have kids and I don't). I'm really trying to figure out if my mom's reasons are really just bullshit and she doesn't want me there. Today i asked her straight up if I'm staying in a hotel because she doesn't want me there and she got mad and managed to not answer the question. She tells me I'm welcome to come over and eat, visit etc but that I must stay at the hotel because of the stress level in the house. She says the situation with my stepbrother has pushed her to her limit, but then why the hell is he still there with his kids and with no end in sight (is my question)? He has a good job, highly paid, etc. It's not like he can't afford his own place.

[Anonymous]

Your mother is making sure that two small children who aren't at fault in their parents' mess and have no say in what happens to them are properly cared for rather than being neglected, and you're angry with her for that? Your mom sounds like she has a very generous spirit and I admire her for what she's doing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I understand you are feeling upset and abandoned, but your mother is in a much worse situation. It sounds like the stress is getting to her but she can’t do anything about it because those poor kids need her. I don’t have any advice other than take the long view and try to feel some compassion for your mom.

I'm a PP. Those "poor kids" have two parents. Grandma is choosing to look after them. She is creating her own situation, and she can certainly do something about it, but chooses not to. Her fault/ her problem.

[Anonymous]

I remember your previous post distinctly.

You were livid that you had to deal with the stress of a move without help or sympathy, and that your own family could not receive you in your mother's house, despite the obvious stress it would cause everyone.

Fast forward to now, and you can see first hand the stress these people are under and the drama they create for themselves.

There is a limit to feeling short-changed and victimized, OP.

Can't you see your family is not in a good place to support you materially or emotionally, and that they perhaps never were and never will be?

And if that's the case, at some point you will have to accept that YOU are the only person you can rely on, and that you have one life to live. If you want to spend it resentful and bitter, do so.

But other people, like myself, have let go of these toxic emotions and have embraced their own independence and life interests, separate from whatever their crazy families do.

And believe me, OP, yours is not the only or the worst crazy family...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I understand you are feeling upset and abandoned, but your mother is in a much worse situation. It sounds like the stress is getting to her but she can’t do anything about it because those poor kids need her. I don’t have any advice other than take the long view and try to feel some compassion for your mom.

Okay, I get it. But I'm here a short time. I won't even see her at the holidays. I haven't seen her in over a year. These kids didn't even know her up until a few months ago. Here's the thing, they also have 2 other sets of grandparents. My mom has volunteered herself to do all this. And my stepbrother works from home and regularly takes off and leaves in the middle of the day. I feel angry. I have been slighted so many times in my life and not had a mom when I needed one. She also raised my stepsister's kids. She quit her job to raise the first kid (she returned to college when my parents divorced which meant I didn't have a mom around growing up because she was in school).

[Anonymous]

Wait. You are pissed because your mom is dealing with two kids in a horrible situation?

Of course you are 30.

Not all but a ton of millenials just suck. Me. Me. Me. Me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I remember your previous post distinctly.

You were livid that you had to deal with the stress of a move without help or sympathy, and that your own family could not receive you in your mother's house, despite the obvious stress it would cause everyone.

Fast forward to now, and you can see first hand the stress these people are under and the drama they create for themselves.

There is a limit to feeling short-changed and victimized, OP.

Can't you see your family is not in a good place to support you materially or emotionally, and that they perhaps never were and never will be?

And if that's the case, at some point you will have to accept that YOU are the only person you can rely on, and that you have one life to live. If you want to spend it resentful and bitter, do so.

But other people, like myself, have let go of these toxic emotions and have embraced their own independence and life interests, separate from whatever their crazy families do.

And believe me, OP, yours is not the only or the worst crazy family...

Huh? No, that honestly wasn't me. You've got me confused with another poster.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have your answers. Mom doesn't care if you stay in a hotel. Stepbrother sure doesn't care about anyone but himself. You have to take care of yourself, OP.

I'm the OP and I meant to add that my mom said that she's trying to help me by telling me to stay in a hotel so that it won't be stressful on me, so that I can rest after being on such a long flight because there are kids in the house. But I still don't get it. My brother and sister both stayed there over the summer with their families (they have kids and I don't). I'm really trying to figure out if my mom's reasons are really just bullshit and she doesn't want me there. Today i asked her straight up if I'm staying in a hotel because she doesn't want me there and she got mad and managed to not answer the question. She tells me I'm welcome to come over and eat, visit etc but that I must stay at the hotel because of the stress level in the house. She says the situation with my stepbrother has pushed her to her limit, but then why the hell is he still there with his kids and with no end in sight (is my question)? He has a good job, highly paid, etc. It's not like he can't afford his own place.

I'm PP. Again- you have your answers. He is still there because she chooses that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I understand you are feeling upset and abandoned, but your mother is in a much worse situation. It sounds like the stress is getting to her but she can’t do anything about it because those poor kids need her. I don’t have any advice other than take the long view and try to feel some compassion for your mom.

Okay, I get it. But I'm here a short time. I won't even see her at the holidays. I haven't seen her in over a year. These kids didn't even know her up until a few months ago. Here's the thing, they also have 2 other sets of grandparents. My mom has volunteered herself to do all this. And my stepbrother works from home and regularly takes off and leaves in the middle of the day. I feel angry. I have been slighted so many times in my life and not had a mom when I needed one. She also raised my stepsister's kids. She quit her job to raise the first kid (she returned to college when my parents divorced which meant I didn't have a mom around growing up because she was in school).

Me me me me me me.

Grow up. You are 30. Act like an adult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have your answers. Mom doesn't care if you stay in a hotel. Stepbrother sure doesn't care about anyone but himself. You have to take care of yourself, OP.

I'm the OP and I meant to add that my mom said that she's trying to help me by telling me to stay in a hotel so that it won't be stressful on me, so that I can rest after being on such a long flight because there are kids in the house. But I still don't get it. My brother and sister both stayed there over the summer with their families (they have kids and I don't). I'm really trying to figure out if my mom's reasons are really just bullshit and she doesn't want me there. Today i asked her straight up if I'm staying in a hotel because she doesn't want me there and she got mad and managed to not answer the question. She tells me I'm welcome to come over and eat, visit etc but that I must stay at the hotel because of the stress level in the house. She says the situation with my stepbrother has pushed her to her limit, but then why the hell is he still there with his kids and with no end in sight (is my question)? He has a good job, highly paid, etc. It's not like he can't afford his own place.

You wrote your own answer right there.

She knows you are a needy whiner, and can't bear the thought of you in the house creating more stress and drama.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wait. You are pissed because your mom is dealing with two kids in a horrible situation?

Of course you are 30.

Not all but a ton of millenials just suck. Me. Me. Me. Me.

They are not in a horrible situation. They have two parents. My step brother could be exaggerating things about his ex wife. Their parents are separating. He works from home and is highly paid. These kids are living in a miliion dollar home with everything they could ever want or need.

My stepbrother used to say horrid things about my mom along with his wife. did you miss that part? I rarely see my mom and when I do, she has no time for me because of stuff like this. I mean even an hour would be fine. My stepbrother WORKS FROM HOME and chooses his own hours, but takes off and leaves... and my mom is taking care of them all the time. I feel like I don't matter at all. I can't even see my mom for an hour or have a conversation with her because these kids are always there.

Is a little time where I feel like I matter too much to ask? An hour or so with my mom out of one year?