School application period - is your spouse engaged or absent?

[Anonymous]

Your kid is applying to (A) K-12 private or going through the (B) college application process (tours, lists, programs, applications). In situation A, is your spouse AWOL or actively going to tours, inquisitive, have goals and contributing to the family discussion. In situation B, is your spouse driving any part of the process, have ideas for filtering things out, helping young adult child sort through things, offering up tours or friends' kids at the schools to gather info, etc. or is your spouse AWOL.

I need to know what's normal. Right now we went to private and I ran the whole process while working full-time, kid was in K. Now it's testing and college time and my worst fears are coming true, spouse has nothing to contribute to the family. This is not a question of helicopter parents pushing the kids and doing things for them. This is really what bare minimum things should a Dad do for their kid. he never practiced sports with them, or thought of things they should try, nothing. Very laid back and just focused on his office work. Burden on me has been high. Private school resources helped but I'm really disappointed my husband has no interest or ideas for anything. anything.

[Anonymous]

My spouse is clue-free and while he is interested, is not terribly engaged. He does none of the footwork, keeps track of none of the dates, and has no knowledge of the intricacies of where to apply for merit aid (which DC needs).

It was the same way with DC1, so I've given up on spouse being of any use at all. I will ask him to handle local school visits.

[Anonymous]

My dad and mom took each of us on a weeklong drive of schools and offered this thoughts on each. I think my parents planned the drive and school picks together, I chimed in on a few. They were all urban.
My brother only wanted to apply to one school, and I know my father convinced him to apply to a second. he went two for two and took the air force academy over purdue.

I think my husband had a fun and challenging time in college so I hope he will be helpful here. What I don't see him doing is what some of my co-workers do - ALum interview, massive donations, sit on the investment board - in order to finagle our kids' acceptance letter.

As for logistics, HS kids should keep track of that.

For elementary or high school applications, I would expect both parents to be highly engaged, those are serious decisions, IMO. Plus parental involvement is key to private schools.

[Anonymous]

When it came to college my DH and I toured colleges with our son and then DH toured solo with our daughters. He viewed the trips with our girls as great one on one time so he always made the trips interesting. Neat places to stay, fun restaurants - no Hampton Inns or Olive Gardens. They had a blast. I was always very engaged in the application process as I'm very detail oriented. When he was at a school he made sure our daughters took the lead on taking a tour and asking questions as it was going to be their lives for the next four years. They all went to schools they really liked.

[Anonymous]

Completely AWOL, but, my kids really wanted to handle it themselves anyway. They only wanted me to pay the testing and application fees.

[Anonymous]

I don’t know what’s “normal” but I’d think less of my spouse for checking out on something that’s important to our children’s futures. And he’d never trust me to make these huge decisions without looping him in. I expect to all be doing college visits together or taking turns and for everyone to be involved in the discussions.

I guess being pissed at your DH is only going to make a bad situation worse, but in your shoes, I’d be pissed.

[Anonymous]

My DH is also AWOL, but more annoyingly, he thinks he is completely engaged. He will, for example, go with us on a school visit, and then believe that he has made a huge contribution and that any request for help or input is simply asking too much of him. He helped already! He drove us there!

This is who he is, and it is who he has always been. I knew he was that way before I married him but I did not realize how TIRING it would be to be the "adult" and decision-maker all the time. My life is the plot to Mrs. Doubtfire and that's sad.

[Anonymous]

DH and I were both very engaged in the process. I did more of the grunt work because I had the time.

[Anonymous]

Haven't gotten to this with my own kids, but my dad was the one involved in the process for me and my sister. My mom was kept in the loop but she didn't do any legwork.

[Anonymous]

zzzzz boring

[Anonymous]

I don't understand why parents want/need to be so involved in applications once the child is old enough to go to college.
My parents did not help me with my applications. In fact my experience has been that if my child isn't engaged enough to handle things on their own (or at least mostly on their own) then they are not engaged enough to succeed anyway. first, I don't think it is helpful to the kids to carry them through life and second, it is exhausting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand why parents want/need to be so involved in applications once the child is old enough to go to college.
My parents did not help me with my applications. In fact my experience has been that if my child isn't engaged enough to handle things on their own (or at least mostly on their own) then they are not engaged enough to succeed anyway. first, I don't think it is helpful to the kids to carry them through life and second, it is exhausting.

+1

College applications should be done by the applicant. Period.

[Anonymous]

My DH actually ran the college process for all 3 of our kids. I actually did very little.

I did run the private school process when the kids were younger. He helped a little but he was not convinced they needed to go to private school, so he viewed more as my thing. He did not really help but he did not get in the way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand why parents want/need to be so involved in applications once the child is old enough to go to college.
My parents did not help me with my applications. In fact my experience has been that if my child isn't engaged enough to handle things on their own (or at least mostly on their own) then they are not engaged enough to succeed anyway. first, I don't think it is helpful to the kids to carry them through life and second, it is exhausting.

A PP here. My DH "ran" the process but in our house that means that he helped them organize themselves. The kids drove things and made the decisions but he would do things like help them set up a "pro and con" spreadsheet. Helped them gather information. Listen to their thoughts and give advice when asked. You know...things that parents of 16-17 YOs should be doing.

I understand what you are saying and my parents did nothing when I applied. I also resented that because I felt that I was out there on my own making decisions about things that I had limited knowledge of. So if our experience in navigating the college application process can help our kids, why wouldn't we at least give them support?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand why parents want/need to be so involved in applications once the child is old enough to go to college.
My parents did not help me with my applications. In fact my experience has been that if my child isn't engaged enough to handle things on their own (or at least mostly on their own) then they are not engaged enough to succeed anyway. first, I don't think it is helpful to the kids to carry them through life and second, it is exhausting.

+1. I applied for a private high school. My parents didn't help me at all, and I half-assed the application. Surprise, I didn't get in. I learned more from that experience than I would have if I had got in because my parents pushed the application process.

Same with college- I researched schools, applied, and paid for it (which meant applying to many scholarships) on my own. As a result I worked hard in college and did well. In contrast, my parents did everything for my younger sibling- filling out applications and paying tuition- who flunked most classes and got kicked out.

I've seen it extend into the workplace as well. I was a manager at a company that employed many people in their 20s and the level of parental involvement was crazy. Parents calling out sick for their adult children, following up on interviews, coming in angry to yell at us when their kid got fired, etc.

I'm convinced this is one of the driving forces behind the high rate of depression. How will you build any self esteem if you never do anything on your own? How will you learn to handle failure?