Trailing spouse - how do I not go crazy?

[Anonymous]

Met DH in grad school in Austin - I was getting my masters and he was getting his PhD. I knew he intended to be an academic, and also knew how competitive it was, and agreed to go where his career took us. DH was lucky enough to find a tenure-track position - but we are in the middle. of. nowhere. Yes, there's a little college town but everything else around us is just depressed - and depressing (Appalachian coal country). I've been lucky enough to find a job in my field but am going crazy out here!! How do I cope?

[Anonymous]

Trailing spouse here. It's hard...but try to enjoy any of the perks (traveling w/ DH? his flexible schedule?) and once he gets tenure, maybe he can get a job somewhere else?

[Anonymous]

can rent a little apartment somewhere else that gives you a different kind of life? You could go there on breaks and holidays?

[Anonymous]

There is a lot of opportunity for a bright entrepreneurial type. Those areas need help. From education to job training to social type work to everything. Regardless of whether you want to do it as a for profit or non, there is federal, state and local money available. And either can make you money.

DH is on tenure-track. Therefore this is now your community. Do what you can to make it a better community.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Trailing spouse here. It's hard...but try to enjoy any of the perks (traveling w/ DH? his flexible schedule?) and once he gets tenure, maybe he can get a job somewhere else?

OP here. The time off (one month in the winter, three months in the summer) is nice. He does research overseas every summer and I'm able to join him at least some of the time. Once he's tenured he will try to get a job in a city. Thanks for the encouragement!

[Anonymous]

I am also a trailing spouse but from overseas (UK). We had equally impressive Media jobs in London. Here in DC he is a bigwig and I'm a "SAHM".

Write a book, have some children, create a volunteer venture.

The world is actually your oyster, lady.

[Anonymous]

I'd love the chance to have what sounds like a low-pressure job, annual overseas travel, husband on tenure track. Can you make friends with some of his colleagues and their families? Can you spend your down time taking classes, writing, etc?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd love the chance to have what sounds like a low-pressure job, annual overseas travel, husband on tenure track. Can you make friends with some of his colleagues and their families? Can you spend your down time taking classes, writing, etc?

Most universities do offer free classes to professors’ spouses. It’s a pretty nice perk!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Trailing spouse here. It's hard...but try to enjoy any of the perks (traveling w/ DH? his flexible schedule?) and once he gets tenure, maybe he can get a job somewhere else?

OP here. The time off (one month in the winter, three months in the summer) is nice. He does research overseas every summer and I'm able to join him at least some of the time. Once he's tenured he will try to get a job in a city. Thanks for the encouragement!

Uh...how will he get a job in a city once he's tenured at the University of Wherever? You will stay in Appalacia for the rest of your life if he gets tenure.
-faculty brat

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, there's a little college town but everything else around us is just depressed - and depressing (Appalachian coal country). I've been lucky enough to find a job in my field but am going crazy out here!! How do I cope?

Have an affair to create some excitement?

[Anonymous]

It's no fun unless we know how bad it really is.

Is it WVa bad where the satellite dish is bigger and more sturdy than the house it services or is it just Penn St bad, where the town exists for the college and the surrounding area feels like you are in Iowa?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am also a trailing spouse but from overseas (UK). We had equally impressive Media jobs in London. Here in DC he is a bigwig and I'm a "SAHM".

Write a book, have some children, create a volunteer venture.

The world is actually your oyster, lady.

+1

You can spend your time thinking about the "someday" when you move to a city -- or you can get out and find things to do and people who share your interests.

If you're not working you have a huge opportunity to look beyond whatever stereotype you've got of this of middle of nowhere place and explore the area, join a class, work on a degree, volunteer for something that matters to you, seek out other trailing spouses.... My close friend moved to a college town much like what you describe and got involved in local activities and made friends of her own, not just acquaintances made through her DH's work. You will have to make an effort but it's doable if you don't waste energy on "what if" thinking.

If you go into this viewing the area as a bore you're only going to keep finding it boring. If you look at this move as a way to see a region and kind of town you've never experienced, whether you love it or not, you might find some positives.

And bear in mind: He might end up liking and doing well at this school. He might make good friends there through work. Are you open to the possibility that this could be a job he might want to keep even after he gets tenure? Or will you tell him the deal was that you'd leave? If you see yourself only as marking time until you get out, and eventually he says "I would like to stay in this job longer" -- you and he will hit a problem in the future. Another reason to look around and see what positives you can find.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I recognize that DH and I may be spending the rest of our working lives here - that this is the most likely scenario. I've made some friends and am involved in the community, through my own work as well as personally. It's just been a difficult transition for a confirmed city girl (DC native, NYC undergrad, Austin grad school/start of career) to get used to small town life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Trailing spouse here. It's hard...but try to enjoy any of the perks (traveling w/ DH? his flexible schedule?) and once he gets tenure, maybe he can get a job somewhere else?

OP here. The time off (one month in the winter, three months in the summer) is nice. He does research overseas every summer and I'm able to join him at least some of the time. Once he's tenured he will try to get a job in a city. Thanks for the encouragement!

Uh...how will he get a job in a city once he's tenured at the University of Wherever? You will stay in Appalacia for the rest of your life if he gets tenure.
-faculty brat

Ya, I was going to say the same thing, but maybe a little more gently. It's really hard to move post-tenure. I have tenure at a major flagship research university, and I haven't seen a job I wanted to apply for in years (meaning, no assoc prof jobs in places I'd want to live, even fewer full prof or open rank jobs). On the flip side, we love love love to hire "advanced assistant professors"--people who we consider "underemployed," who have put in 3-4 years at a "lower tier" institution, have built up a research profile and some teaching experience, and are looking to move. (All the quotation marks in the previous sentence are because I loathe all the elitism inherent in that sentiment, but it's a faithful reflection of how my colleagues think and talk.)

Anyway, to the extent that you get involved in discussions about your husband's career, you might want to ask him about the possibilities of applying aggressively in year 4 or 5 on the tenure clock. If that doesn't work, and you both really want out, the best option is probably for him to go the administration route. Most of the senior jobs I see advertised are for department chairs.

[Anonymous]

travel