"I do a lot more than most guys I know!"

[Anonymous]

That's what my husband said, rather indignantly, while defending his decision to assume that I could again miss work for a child's doctor appointment, whereas he needn't do so. We both work full time and make the same amount of money. I am not a SAHM or working a light part time schedule. I have a full time job, just like he does, and I'm expected to show up there and do a decent job. But he has concluded that because he is marginally more involved than his colleagues, most of whom have stay at home wives and consider it a badge of honor that they've never attended conferences, he must be a superstar.

I am so completely overwhelmingly exhaustingly the default parent, and the default responsible homeowner, and the default responsible pet owner, as well as the scheduler/planner of everything that functional adults need to do, and I'm wiped out. So hearing that he's doing more than the do-nothinga that he knowns doesn't really move the needle for me.

Help me figure out how to get through to him without completely losing my mind when he tries to explain that his occasional interest in showing up for something that happens to be convenient for him means he's really an equal partner in all this.

[Anonymous]

Stop being a doormat/martyr?

[Anonymous]

I had the same argument with my parents about chores, 'at least I'm not a drug addict / teen mom like the kids you see on tv!'

Didn't really fly with them though.

[Anonymous]

Tell them it takes two to make children! What does other guys have to do with this? Send him a copy of 'Lean In' cos he needs to be a real PARTNER!

[Anonymous]

You need to tell him specifically what you want him to do.
A lot of men are like this because they DON’T KNOW how to manage multiple responsibilities - either they don’t recognize the existence of the responsibilities or they feel it’s not their role to deal with it all. Fear of failure maybe?
I don’t understand how it is possible but a lot of men are just like your husband. They need lessons or training or something. Take baby steps and delegate some of the load to him. Make a list of everything you do in a day, a week, a month to run the household. Ask him to check off some items for himself and then LET HIM DO IT.
No micromanaging. No nagging and no whining. The business of marriage - Partners share the work. Period.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to tell him specifically what you want him to do.
A lot of men are like this because they DON’T KNOW how to manage multiple responsibilities - either they don’t recognize the existence of the responsibilities or they feel it’s not their role to deal with it all. Fear of failure maybe?
I don’t understand how it is possible but a lot of men are just like your husband. They need lessons or training or something. Take baby steps and delegate some of the load to him. Make a list of everything you do in a day, a week, a month to run the household. Ask him to check off some items for himself and then LET HIM DO IT.
No micromanaging. No nagging and no whining. The business of marriage - Partners share the work. Period.

What an obnoxious post. The OP's husband is actively whining about being expected to parent, but you find a way to call her a nag and a whiner on no evidence.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stop being a doormat/martyr?

If I were a doormat/martyr we wouldn't have been having the conversation at all. But thanks for your input.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to tell him specifically what you want him to do.
A lot of men are like this because they DON’T KNOW how to manage multiple responsibilities - either they don’t recognize the existence of the responsibilities or they feel it’s not their role to deal with it all. Fear of failure maybe?
I don’t understand how it is possible but a lot of men are just like your husband. They need lessons or training or something. Take baby steps and delegate some of the load to him. Make a list of everything you do in a day, a week, a month to run the household. Ask him to check off some items for himself and then LET HIM DO IT.
No micromanaging. No nagging and no whining. The business of marriage - Partners share the work. Period.

This is called "mental workload," and it also imposes a burden on the person (usually the wife) responsible for it. I have no interest in being my husband's executive assistant and figuring out what he needs to pay attention to. The kids and house are just as much his as they are mine. Why is it my job to identify everything that needs to be done and allocate certain discrete tasks to him? My advice is to leave town more often and make him deal with everything by himself. Sink or swim. Assuming he has some modicum of basic competence, he'll figure it out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to tell him specifically what you want him to do.
A lot of men are like this because they DON’T KNOW how to manage multiple responsibilities - either they don’t recognize the existence of the responsibilities or they feel it’s not their role to deal with it all. Fear of failure maybe?
I don’t understand how it is possible but a lot of men are just like your husband. They need lessons or training or something. Take baby steps and delegate some of the load to him. Make a list of everything you do in a day, a week, a month to run the household. Ask him to check off some items for himself and then LET HIM DO IT.
No micromanaging. No nagging and no whining. The business of marriage - Partners share the work. Period.

So here's my next question: when the items on that list don't get done, and the result has a negative impact on the kids or our lives or whatever, how should I respond? "Sorry guys, that was dad's responsibility, so I guess you'll miss soccer season this year!" "Kids, cavities aren't that big of a deal. I'm sure dad will schedule dentist appointments for you someday. Or it's only seven more years until you drive and you can take yourself!"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to tell him specifically what you want him to do.
A lot of men are like this because they DON’T KNOW how to manage multiple responsibilities - either they don’t recognize the existence of the responsibilities or they feel it’s not their role to deal with it all. Fear of failure maybe?
I don’t understand how it is possible but a lot of men are just like your husband. They need lessons or training or something. Take baby steps and delegate some of the load to him. Make a list of everything you do in a day, a week, a month to run the household. Ask him to check off some items for himself and then LET HIM DO IT.
No micromanaging. No nagging and no whining. The business of marriage - Partners share the work. Period.

This is called "mental workload," and it also imposes a burden on the person (usually the wife) responsible for it. I have no interest in being my husband's executive assistant and figuring out what he needs to pay attention to. The kids and house are just as much his as they are mine. Why is it my job to identify everything that needs to be done and allocate certain discrete tasks to him? My advice is to leave town more often and make him deal with everything by himself. Sink or swim. Assuming he has some modicum of basic competence, he'll figure it out.

Well, she could start by delegating chores equally among the children. Don't just let the son rake leaves and that's it. Make him vacuum and wash dishes. Show your daughter how to change motor oil. I honestly think a lot of men get away with less 'equal' household work because they aren't taught from a young age that should be expected to be excited/interested in/responsible for child care, pet care, and household duties.

Keep picking up after them and your son will turn into your husband and your DILs will be voicing the same complaints.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to tell him specifically what you want him to do.
A lot of men are like this because they DON’T KNOW how to manage multiple responsibilities - either they don’t recognize the existence of the responsibilities or they feel it’s not their role to deal with it all. Fear of failure maybe?
I don’t understand how it is possible but a lot of men are just like your husband. They need lessons or training or something. Take baby steps and delegate some of the load to him. Make a list of everything you do in a day, a week, a month to run the household. Ask him to check off some items for himself and then LET HIM DO IT.
No micromanaging. No nagging and no whining. The business of marriage - Partners share the work. Period.

This is called "mental workload," and it also imposes a burden on the person (usually the wife) responsible for it. I have no interest in being my husband's executive assistant and figuring out what he needs to pay attention to. The kids and house are just as much his as they are mine. Why is it my job to identify everything that needs to be done and allocate certain discrete tasks to him? My advice is to leave town more often and make him deal with everything by himself. Sink or swim. Assuming he has some modicum of basic competence, he'll figure it out.

Amen. Not my job to tell him everything that needs to be done. Somehow there is an expectation that we will both provide clear instructions on exactly what we expect of them yet never mention what we expect because NAGGING.

[Anonymous]

OP, I would just go on full-on Feminazi mode and tell him exactly what you told us here. Men like your DH are exactly the reason why women are not achieving equal footing in the workplace.

[Anonymous]

Being a WOHM/SAHM is hard when your DH does not support you.

[Anonymous]

He’s probably right. I’m one of those who does all the outdoor tasks, car/computer/appliance maintenance. I also cook, often times clean the kitchen and I still get nagged. I know I do more than my friends do.

Problem is entitled women.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to tell him specifically what you want him to do.
A lot of men are like this because they DON’T KNOW how to manage multiple responsibilities - either they don’t recognize the existence of the responsibilities or they feel it’s not their role to deal with it all. Fear of failure maybe?
I don’t understand how it is possible but a lot of men are just like your husband. They need lessons or training or something. Take baby steps and delegate some of the load to him. Make a list of everything you do in a day, a week, a month to run the household. Ask him to check off some items for himself and then LET HIM DO IT.
No micromanaging. No nagging and no whining. The business of marriage - Partners share the work. Period.

This is called "mental workload," and it also imposes a burden on the person (usually the wife) responsible for it. I have no interest in being my husband's executive assistant and figuring out what he needs to pay attention to. The kids and house are just as much his as they are mine. Why is it my job to identify everything that needs to be done and allocate certain discrete tasks to him? My advice is to leave town more often and make him deal with everything by himself. Sink or swim. Assuming he has some modicum of basic competence,
he'll figure it out.

Amen. Not my job to tell him everything that needs to be done. Somehow there is an expectation that we will both provide clear instructions on exactly what we expect of them yet never mention what we expect because NAGGING.

Wrong attitude. He is your partner not your employee. Figure it out together .