If you felt like you lost yourself because of marriage and parenthood

[Anonymous]

How did you find yourself again?

[Anonymous]

I think you could probably cross the marriage part out of your question. It’s when women have babies and their entire existence is consumed by the baby and they give up their identity because ZOMG MY CHILD IS THE CENTER OF MY WORLD AND I WOULD BE A TERRIBLE MOM IF I PURSUED MY OWN INTERESTS!!

And yes, I’m a woman.

[Anonymous]

through various types of hallucination drugs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:through various types of hallucination drugs.

+1 for methylenedioxymethamphetamine.

[Anonymous]

Oh cut the crap! You don't find yourself again because marriage and parenthood make you a different and hopefully a less ego-centric person. If you didn't consider this before you got married you shouldn't have gotten married.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh cut the crap! You don't find yourself again because marriage and parenthood make you a different and hopefully a less ego-centric person. If you didn't consider this before you got married you shouldn't have gotten married.

So your entire life is about your kids? You don't do anything for yourself? Don't have any hobbies?

There is a happy medium between going out and doing solo activities 3 nights a week and not doing anything unless it's family related. Neither of the extremes is healthy.

Op, to answer your question...what were your interests before kids? How often do you get "me" time. Are you able to meet up with friends without your kids? When you and your friends or DH talk, do you have things to talk about other than kids? Introvert or extrovert? There are ways to find you again, but need to start with the basics of who you were before kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you could probably cross the marriage part out of your question. It’s when women have babies and their entire existence is consumed by the baby and they give up their identity because ZOMG MY CHILD IS THE CENTER OF MY WORLD AND I WOULD BE A TERRIBLE MOM IF I PURSUED MY OWN INTERESTS!!

And yes, I’m a woman.

You don't have to martyr yourself for this to happen, PP. Are you this much of a jerk to your friends? I personally have no time and money to pursue my own interests and I consider 5 minutes on the pot a f'ing vacation. I don't complain, but don't act like we can all hire sitters and spend hours each week doing things for ourselves.

[Anonymous]

It's hard. There is a tremendous amount of societal pressure to make your kids the center of your life and to have zero outside interests. Or else, god forbid, your kid won't get into an Ivy League school and is doomed to a life of mediocrity. Husbands also tend to not understand, I've heard several (my own included) say that cooking dinner counts as their wives' "me" time.

I've started by going to the gym daily (I loved working out pre-kids and it helps me feel young again) and going to a class I enjoy one night per week that has a fantastic group of women. I'm also working on getting back into the career I adored but left to have a family and support my husband's job.

What's your current situation? Do you work or SAH? What did you enjoy doing pre-family?

[Anonymous]

There wasn't much I could do until my youngest started preschool and I started having a few hours a week on my own. Having young kids is like having four of your neediest friends living with you full time and literally never doing anything unless you set it up for them and take them there.

[Anonymous]

I found myself having some hot affairs and eventually getting divorced.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh cut the crap! You don't find yourself again because marriage and parenthood make you a different and hopefully a less ego-centric person. If you didn't consider this before you got married you shouldn't have gotten married.

So your entire life is about your kids? You don't do anything for yourself? Don't have any hobbies?

There is a happy medium between going out and doing solo activities 3 nights a week and not doing anything unless it's family related. Neither of the extremes is healthy.

Op, to answer your question...what were your interests before kids? How often do you get "me" time. Are you able to meet up with friends without your kids? When you and your friends or DH talk, do you have things to talk about other than kids? Introvert or extrovert? There are ways to find you again, but need to start with the basics of who you were before kids

I enjoyed traveling and taking classes. I don't really get any me time. Nope, thankfully all my friends have kids so when we meet up, it's usually a play date. With my DH, we have other things to talk about besides our child, but we also argue a lot so I would prefer to talk about my kid. I'm an introvert. I just feel like nowadays, I'm nothing more than Larlo's wife and Larla's mom. It's like I don't have my own identity outside of work and it upsets me.

[Anonymous]

Here's the thing, why don't men have this problem? Why don't men make their kids the center of their world and their identity?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here's the thing, why don't men have this problem? Why don't men make their kids the center of their world and their identity?

Because their wives are bearing all the mental load of child-bearing.

[Anonymous]

^child-rearing

[Anonymous]

Then why can't wives dump 50% of the load back on the DHs?