If you felt like you lost yourself because of marriage and parenthood

[Anonymous]

No I love parenting. It's my job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry to rain on the misery parade, nut my kids are now older and I love being their mom. I loved when they were little and when the "consumed" me. I'm actually not even sure what you all mean. Kids are a lot of work. That wasn't a secret when you gpt pregnant. I also married a real man and both of us always carved out time alone, time togethet, and time as a family. I don't have hobbies like playing the violin, widdling wood, or scuba diving, but Ive always worked out. That's not a hobby, just basic maintenance.

Don't worry ladies, one day you will be able to let go of all that pent up resentment motherhood has caused you. Your kids will grow up and hardly visit. Maybe if your dream comes true, your all consuming marriage will end.

My mom was like you. She loved every minute of us being home and all our diffeby stages. Now we barely talk to her because she is in desperate need of therapy and will tell anyone who will listen about her childhood abuse. We can't have our kids around her to be frank. I am sure you were an awesome Mom though. Me, I work and have an amazing career and a few degrees and hang out with my kids after work and on the weeks and it is perfect for me. But yeah, you couldn't pay me to be a stay at home parent. Like not even a million dollars. I need my space and my kids need their space.

[Anonymous]

It's because of the lack of vacations. Dh and I used to go on amazing vacations that were relaxing and we recharged. But now that we have kids, family expects to be invited on every trip. We're getting weighed down by family obligtaions and get no time for just our nuclear family. Every holiday is just another rehashing of other people's traditions. Just a complete loss of self and I feel like parents have just moved in on us.

[Anonymous]

I look in the mirror! And voila, didn't get lost at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you could probably cross the marriage part out of your question. It’s when women have babies and their entire existence is consumed by the baby and they give up their identity because ZOMG MY CHILD IS THE CENTER OF MY WORLD AND I WOULD BE A TERRIBLE MOM IF I PURSUED MY OWN INTERESTS!!

And yes, I’m a woman.

You sound unstable:

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry to rain on the misery parade, nut my kids are now older and I love being their mom. I loved when they were little and when the "consumed" me. I'm actually not even sure what you all mean. Kids are a lot of work. That wasn't a secret when you gpt pregnant. I also married a real man and both of us always carved out time alone, time togethet, and time as a family. I don't have hobbies like playing the violin, widdling wood, or scuba diving, but Ive always worked out. That's not a hobby, just basic maintenance.

Don't worry ladies, one day you will be able to let go of all that pent up resentment motherhood has caused you. Your kids will grow up and hardly visit. Maybe if your dream comes true, your all consuming marriage will end.

Considering what a bitch you sound like, your kids will be fleeing too.

[Anonymous]

I work, have three young children and it's exhausting and there are days I think what did I get myself into. But when one of them wants to sit on my lap and cuddle it makes it all worthwhile. I'm also lucky to be married to a guy who really enjoys being a father and a reasonably helpful husband....but he could always do better!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I set a goal for myself and made time to work towards it. I also ramped it up at work, started exercising more, and socializing more (often with families in tow, but not always), becoming politically active. I also plan family activities around my interests (backpacking, other stuff outside, cooking, planning parties, some political events).

The goal setting was a conscious effort to reclaim a bit of myself coming off two kids in less than two years, and started when my youngest was 18 months. Before that, we were hunkered down and exhausted and just making it through. The other stuff has come more naturally as my kids have gotten older. Making a conscious effort not to overschedule kids helps tremendously in making time, as does having a supportive husband. I'm certainly in 'mom' mode most of the time but don't feel like I've lost myself at all.

You don't have a demanding job, do you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here's the thing, why don't men have this problem? Why don't men make their kids the center of their world and their identity?

I don't think men are expected to. When my DC was born, I heard a ton about not expecting DH to help out with childcare in the evenings/overnight, making sure DH got weekends off to go play golf, allowing DH to go to happy hours after work, etc. But when I wanted an afternoon off to myself, people thought I was completely nuts and selfish.

It's gotten especially bad with the pressure to breastfeed; I know women who have been so fear mongered into BFing (often from a breast only, not breastmilk in a bottle!) that they give up their jobs, friends, and lives. I think this whole attitude- that women need to be available around the clock for their babies- sets up expectations that women need to always give up absolutely everything for their kids.

+100000

[Anonymous]

Ok, as for serious answer, this is a very novel concept of "finding yourself." Family, farm, kids, work, all those were constantly together until recent history. The idea that you lost yourself in your kids, if you could find a parent in 1800s, what would they answer to that question? Assuming they are not some aristocratic flake with a lot of money? Having your own family was not so much the dream, as working the land to provide for your kids and kids pitching in, and everybody pitching in. And grandparents being there when you had your second, and third and fourth child. Daily grind as my teen would say. We live detached existence today. Not saying that I don't like it, I do. If I had to live with my mom or FIL, I'd probably be volunteering to work in the fields all day long. The idea that work and family are separate is novel, historically speaking. I was meant to be a mom, and I was meant to work and contribute. Honestly, even with 8 hours in the office, I think most people have more time for their kids now than in the past when you worked on the homestead or in a factory. The concept of losing yourself is quite honestly one of the more absurd ideas today.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here's the thing, why don't men have this problem? Why don't men make their kids the center of their world and their identity?

I don't think men are expected to. When my DC was born, I heard a ton about not expecting DH to help out with childcare in the evenings/overnight, making sure DH got weekends off to go play golf, allowing DH to go to happy hours after work, etc. But when I wanted an afternoon off to myself, people thought I was completely nuts and selfish.

It's gotten especially bad with the pressure to breastfeed; I know women who have been so fear mongered into BFing (often from a breast only, not breastmilk in a bottle!) that they give up their jobs, friends, and lives. I think this whole attitude- that women need to be available around the clock for their babies- sets up expectations that women need to always give up absolutely everything for their kids.

When push comes to shove society (including most women) expects men to earn most of the money and for women to spend most of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry to rain on the misery parade, nut my kids are now older and I love being their mom. I loved when they were little and when the "consumed" me. I'm actually not even sure what you all mean. Kids are a lot of work. That wasn't a secret when you gpt pregnant. I also married a real man and both of us always carved out time alone, time togethet, and time as a family. I don't have hobbies like playing the violin, widdling wood, or scuba diving, but Ive always worked out. That's not a hobby, just basic maintenance.

Don't worry ladies, one day you will be able to let go of all that pent up resentment motherhood has caused you. Your kids will grow up and hardly visit. Maybe if your dream comes true, your all consuming marriage will end.

+1 My DH and I both worked but outside of work our 3 kids were the center of our world and I have no regrets. Other than my DH playing tennis during the summer from 7:30-9:30 (kids were still in PJ's) we didn't have time for hobbies or girls night out or poker night. But neither of us cared about that stuff and we really had a good time being together. DH and I always found time for each other. Raising children to become good young adults is hard work and given how many screwed up adults there are its clear many parents failed. Both my DH and I benefited from having very loving parents who set good examples. Our children are now successful young adults with their own families and I hope they see us as good examples. Since we became empty nesters about 12 years ago we are doing all the things we didn't do when we were raising our children. And now we really find time for each other!

You people are insane. Even my Mormon friends who homeschool six kids have hobbies, go to relief society meetings, go to book club once a month, and host parties and showers.
You had hobbies when your kids were growing up. You just want to hate on the OP.

[Anonymous]

I became a stay-at-home dad, and I definitely felt I lost some of my identity in doing that. It was the best thing for our kids but I'm not going to lie and say it was easy to adjust. Now that the kids are older, I am working part-time again and back involved in activities I like.

And no, DCUM women, all the stay-at-home moms weren't hitting on my on the playground and I had no affairs with them, but that seems to be a pretty popular belief here...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ok, as for serious answer, this is a very novel concept of "finding yourself." Family, farm, kids, work, all those were constantly together until recent history. The idea that you lost yourself in your kids, if you could find a parent in 1800s, what would they answer to that question? Assuming they are not some aristocratic flake with a lot of money? Having your own family was not so much the dream, as working the land to provide for your kids and kids pitching in, and everybody pitching in. And grandparents being there when you had your second, and third and fourth child. Daily grind as my teen would say. We live detached existence today. Not saying that I don't like it, I do. If I had to live with my mom or FIL, I'd probably be volunteering to work in the fields all day long. The idea that work and family are separate is novel, historically speaking. I was meant to be a mom, and I was meant to work and contribute. Honestly, even with 8 hours in the office, I think most people have more time for their kids now than in the past when you worked on the homestead or in a factory. The concept of losing yourself is quite honestly one of the more absurd ideas today.

This isn't true. Read "little women." This happens to Meg when she has her twins in the 1870's, and she gets advice from her mother who went through the same thing. (The advice is basically the same as this board... tell your husband to step it up and get back to doing some of the things you love). If you read any literature based on women and domestic life, this feeling of being consumed by young children and losing yourself comes up over and over again.
G

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I became a stay-at-home dad, and I definitely felt I lost some of my identity in doing that. It was the best thing for our kids but I'm not going to lie and say it was easy to adjust. Now that the kids are older, I am working part-time again and back involved in activities I like.

And no, DCUM women, all the stay-at-home moms weren't hitting on my on the playground and I had no affairs with them, but that seems to be a pretty popular belief here...

Ohh, but you sure wish they were.