If you felt like you lost yourself because of marriage and parenthood

[Anonymous]

To all the PPs going on side rants about "mommy martyrs": it's not about that. Maybe there is some of that going on too in OP's situation, we don't know...but the truth is that even for those who in no way feel that their child is their entire existence (although, it should be said that if the concept of your child being the center of your world sounds so foreign that it verges on absurd...I don't know that you're such a good parent) and who prioritize maintaining some of their own hobbies etc - becoming a parent is pretty all-consuming for awhile there. The alone time and freedom you once had is wildly changed. Regardless of what else you decide to do, you are suddenly literally charged with the awesome responsibility of keeping another (entirely helpless and dependent) human alive. You HAVE to feed them and soothe them and clothe (.../diaper) them and interact with them; in a moment to moment way, you have to put their base needs above your own whims. It's wildly life-altering no matter what your parenting approach is, and your response makes me question if you actually have kids

To the posters mentioning hallucinogens: are you for real, and if so would love to hear more! Out of curiosity

[Anonymous]

I think the PP you're referring to is asking why the burden of childrearing is gendered...and it's a valid question. (S)he didn't say "Don't give a damn abt your kids" but rather is asking why isn't this concern and loss of self more equitably distributed between parents.

[Anonymous]

Sorry to rain on the misery parade, nut my kids are now older and I love being their mom. I loved when they were little and when the "consumed" me. I'm actually not even sure what you all mean. Kids are a lot of work. That wasn't a secret when you gpt pregnant. I also married a real man and both of us always carved out time alone, time togethet, and time as a family. I don't have hobbies like playing the violin, widdling wood, or scuba diving, but Ive always worked out. That's not a hobby, just basic maintenance.

Don't worry ladies, one day you will be able to let go of all that pent up resentment motherhood has caused you. Your kids will grow up and hardly visit. Maybe if your dream comes true, your all consuming marriage will end.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the PP you're referring to is asking why the burden of childrearing is gendered...and it's a valid question. (S)he didn't say "Don't give a damn abt your kids" but rather is asking why isn't this concern and loss of self more equitably distributed between parents.

Ckearly men don't do as much gratuitous naval gazing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the PP you're referring to is asking why the burden of childrearing is gendered...and it's a valid question. (S)he didn't say "Don't give a damn abt your kids" but rather is asking why isn't this concern and loss of self more equitably distributed between parents.

Because the SuperMoms who "lose themselves" are in fact suffering from a mental illness that perceives infinite baby tasks which don't actually need doing. Do you seriously think that babies are designed to require 24x7 x 2 parents full attention? The human species would have been extinct 100K years ago! Add in the modern conveniences of parenting and I do not see how any reasonable person could even ask the question "why aren't men losing themselves too? "

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Then why can't wives dump 50% of the load back on the DHs?

I do. So do most of my friends. Most of us are dual-working families where both spouses earn around the same and have the same workhour requirements though, so maybe that helps make things more equitable?

[Anonymous]

I set a goal for myself and made time to work towards it. I also ramped it up at work, started exercising more, and socializing more (often with families in tow, but not always), becoming politically active. I also plan family activities around my interests (backpacking, other stuff outside, cooking, planning parties, some political events).

The goal setting was a conscious effort to reclaim a bit of myself coming off two kids in less than two years, and started when my youngest was 18 months. Before that, we were hunkered down and exhausted and just making it through. The other stuff has come more naturally as my kids have gotten older. Making a conscious effort not to overschedule kids helps tremendously in making time, as does having a supportive husband. I'm certainly in 'mom' mode most of the time but don't feel like I've lost myself at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I set a goal for myself and made time to work towards it. I also ramped it up at work, started exercising more, and socializing more (often with families in tow, but not always), becoming politically active. I also plan family activities around my interests (backpacking, other stuff outside, cooking, planning parties, some political events).

The goal setting was a conscious effort to reclaim a bit of myself coming off two kids in less than two years, and started when my youngest was 18 months. Before that, we were hunkered down and exhausted and just making it through. The other stuff has come more naturally as my kids have gotten older. Making a conscious effort not to overschedule kids helps tremendously in making time, as does having a supportive husband. I'm certainly in 'mom' mode most of the time but don't feel like I've lost myself at all.

You’re doing it right.

I play rec softball on the weekends and many of my teammates bring their kids and even babies to the field. The kids have a blast. It’s a great way to balance mom/dad holding on to a part of their identity and getting the kid some exercise and fun with other kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here's the thing, why don't men have this problem? Why don't men make their kids the center of their world and their identity?

I think that men do this with work. I actually think it's better in the long run to make your children/friends/family the center of your universe. I have met so many retired men who just feel completely useless following retirement or a job loss.

[Anonymous]

What an odd question. My guess is - - you grew up. You let go of some of the fantasies and fallacies of being childlike, and thinking like a child. Maturity?

[Anonymous]

Almost everyone feels consumed by childrearing at some point. It passes. Children grow up and go away fairly quickly. Try not to make them the be all and end all.

[Anonymous]

I haven't lost myself, but I've definitely back-burnered parts of myself because those parts aren't as relevant right now. I'm a single mom and I've found myself completely back-burnering dating and sex because it just isn't compatible with my life right now as a very busy working mom. I'm surrounded all the time by married dads, so I've kind of stopped thinking of myself as a sexual person because I rarely encounter anyone I could have sex with or date.

At some point that needs to stop; I'm thinking when my kid is in middle school and her activities become less intense on the parenting side. 2.5 more years!!

The rest of my life is pretty much as it was. I still go out socially. I still pursue my hobbies. I still work out daily.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here's the thing, why don't men have this problem? Why don't men make their kids the center of their world and their identity?

I don't think men are expected to. When my DC was born, I heard a ton about not expecting DH to help out with childcare in the evenings/overnight, making sure DH got weekends off to go play golf, allowing DH to go to happy hours after work, etc. But when I wanted an afternoon off to myself, people thought I was completely nuts and selfish.

It's gotten especially bad with the pressure to breastfeed; I know women who have been so fear mongered into BFing (often from a breast only, not breastmilk in a bottle!) that they give up their jobs, friends, and lives. I think this whole attitude- that women need to be available around the clock for their babies- sets up expectations that women need to always give up absolutely everything for their kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry to rain on the misery parade, nut my kids are now older and I love being their mom. I loved when they were little and when the "consumed" me. I'm actually not even sure what you all mean. Kids are a lot of work. That wasn't a secret when you gpt pregnant. I also married a real man and both of us always carved out time alone, time togethet, and time as a family. I don't have hobbies like playing the violin, widdling wood, or scuba diving, but Ive always worked out. That's not a hobby, just basic maintenance.

Don't worry ladies, one day you will be able to let go of all that pent up resentment motherhood has caused you. Your kids will grow up and hardly visit. Maybe if your dream comes true, your all consuming marriage will end.

+1 My DH and I both worked but outside of work our 3 kids were the center of our world and I have no regrets. Other than my DH playing tennis during the summer from 7:30-9:30 (kids were still in PJ's) we didn't have time for hobbies or girls night out or poker night. But neither of us cared about that stuff and we really had a good time being together. DH and I always found time for each other. Raising children to become good young adults is hard work and given how many screwed up adults there are its clear many parents failed. Both my DH and I benefited from having very loving parents who set good examples. Our children are now successful young adults with their own families and I hope they see us as good examples. Since we became empty nesters about 12 years ago we are doing all the things we didn't do when we were raising our children. And now we really find time for each other!

[Anonymous]

Having a young child and working an opposite schedule from my husband leaves us both with very little time to be ourselves. We try to give the other time “off” from parenting to have personal time. It’s slow going but hoping in time it grows. He is definitely better with just doing self care without asking, but is also slowly understanding why he’s able to.....which is evening things out.