Help. Help. Help. I need help parenting my ADHD kid

[Anonymous]

We are in the process of getting diagnosed, but my 4 1/2 year old has been in OT for 2 years for SPD and it's very apparent to all that there's more going on. Definitely ADHD Inattentive, with some impulsivity is my guess. I've been managing but as he's gotten bigger and more physical, it's just so hard. The kid hurts my body. He doesn't mean to head butt me, but he does. He just can't listen and follow the simplest directions. I feel like I'm yelling at him or angry at him so often, which, sadly, does seem to get him to focus. I'm also having to be more physical than I think appropriate with him, having to grab his body and help (i.e.: force) him to do things. I'm not parenting him well. I love him so much, but I'm reaching my limit and find that the older he gets the less patience I have.

I am just a wreck. I don't want to parent like this. I need better parenting techniques. Where can I go? Who can help? What's the first book I should pick up? I've been to Dan Shapiro's class-it wasn't that helpful, too general. I need more.

[Anonymous]

What does his preschool teacher say? His pediatrician? I would start there.

[Anonymous]

Big hugs, OP. I know it's hard. And you are NOT ALONE. I've been through that often, although not consistently. I will say that life has gotten much better since my son went on Concerta. We don't fight. He is much more compliant. So I don't know if medication is an option that young or not, but please consider it if he does in fact get a diagnosis.

I also asked the therapist for some parenting techniques because I was yelling too often. I don't want to yell at all. Let me find the resources and I'll try to post them here.

One thing she told me was to keep in mind that it's like a disability. That's a strong word, but I think she was trying to make me remind myself that they will need multiple reminders, and it's not because they are disrespecting you or don't care. They just inherently need multiple reminders. I need to tell my kid about 5 times in the morning to get dressed. He's almost 11. I just make sure I ask nicely and don't lose my patience, and he eventually gets dressed.

There are other tricks and supports that can help. I bought a huge clock timer that counts down, and set it on the bathroom sink so that he knows when he has to finish up his shower, for example. He didn't like it at first, but it turned his 40 minute showers into 15 minute showers, which was the goal. And now he doesn't fuss.

With my kid, positive feedback, rewards, and tons of praise really help. I catch him being good. The simplest things, and I mean the simplest things, get praised. "Way to put on your shoes without my asking!" "You are getting so grown up and mature! Look how you remembered your homework for the weekend!"

And find a support network. If you are married or partnered, split up kid time between you. You need a break to care for yourself, too.

Let me see if I've got the links the therapist gave me.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry OP. I don't have experience with this, but please don't be too hard on yourself.

[Anonymous]

You need a behavioral therapist to help set a reward and discipline system. You can try the book "1 2 3 Magic" but it might not be enough. You likely will need to medicate, but 4 1/2 may be too young. Some doctors will medicate at 5.

[Anonymous]

Here are some:

Helping kids who struggle with executive function
https://childmind.org/article/helping-kids-who-struggle-with-executive-functions/

Calm Voices, Calmer Kids
https://childmind.org/article/calm-voices-calmer-kids/

How to Give Kids Effective Instructions
https://childmind.org/article/how-to-give-kids-effective-instructions/

I find a lot of helpful articles on www.additudemag.com

And they have great webinars, too. I must have listened to 20 of them over the summer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Big hugs, OP. I know it's hard. And you are NOT ALONE. I've been through that often, although not consistently. I will say that life has gotten much better since my son went on Concerta. We don't fight. He is much more compliant. So I don't know if medication is an option that young or not, but please consider it if he does in fact get a diagnosis.

I also asked the therapist for some parenting techniques because I was yelling too often. I don't want to yell at all. Let me find the resources and I'll try to post them here.

One thing she told me was to keep in mind that it's like a disability. That's a strong word, but I think she was trying to make me remind myself that they will need multiple reminders, and it's not because they are disrespecting you or don't care. They just inherently need multiple reminders. I need to tell my kid about 5 times in the morning to get dressed. He's almost 11. I just make sure I ask nicely and don't lose my patience, and he eventually gets dressed.

There are other tricks and supports that can help. I bought a huge clock timer that counts down, and set it on the bathroom sink so that he knows when he has to finish up his shower, for example. He didn't like it at first, but it turned his 40 minute showers into 15 minute showers, which was the goal. And now he doesn't fuss.

With my kid, positive feedback, rewards, and tons of praise really help. I catch him being good. The simplest things, and I mean the simplest things, get praised. "Way to put on your shoes without my asking!" "You are getting so grown up and mature! Look how you remembered your homework for the weekend!"

And find a support network. If you are married or partnered, split up kid time between you. You need a break to care for yourself, too.

Let me see if I've got the links the therapist gave me.

Could not agree with this more. We too have a 4.5 year old son who I suspect will be diagnosed at some point with ADHD. He has impulse control issues and can sometimes be overly physical - sometimes not even out of spite, but because he is overly excited.

First of all, I absolutely believe the lack of routine in the summer was BAD for him. And for us. He is a kid who thrives off of routine, and when he has it, down time becomes much easier for him and for us since he can play more independently. Now that he is back in school, I have noticed a big difference in his behavior.

We also started him in karate in early August. I could give a crap about the belts, but man, is it ever working for first time listening and self-control. He goes twice a week and actually looks forward to it. It's expensive, but in my opinion, worth it. And it's cheaper than paying for therapy.

I also started doing a thing called "special time" each day where he gets around 15 minutes of my/my wife's complete and undivided attention doing exactly what he wants to do and how he wants to do it. This also helps when it's time for him to play independently while we make dinner, clean up, etc.

And as PP above said - and this is tough - try to be as positive as you can. We found ourselves yelling at him all the time over the summer. It only exacerbated the bad behavior. We hated ourselves for parenting that way, and that's when I started reading The Explosive Child. It really resonated with me, and I'd recommend it. Makes you think of that kind of behavior in a whole new way, and also makes you feel like you're not alone. Trying to understand why they get physical or have outbursts is key, because they lack the skills the deal with change of routine/circumstances or unexpected obstacles in the same way that other kids do. We are still working on this kind of positive parenting, but the more you see it pay off, the more you want to do it. I still have my bad days - yesterday was one - where I fuss and yell, but I find often that's me bringing my own issues from work or other stress home with me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We are in the process of getting diagnosed, but my 4 1/2 year old has been in OT for 2 years for SPD and it's very apparent to all that there's more going on. Definitely ADHD Inattentive, with some impulsivity is my guess. I've been managing but as he's gotten bigger and more physical, it's just so hard. The kid hurts my body. He doesn't mean to head butt me, but he does. He just can't listen and follow the simplest directions. I feel like I'm yelling at him or angry at him so often, which, sadly, does seem to get him to focus. I'm also having to be more physical than I think appropriate with him, having to grab his body and help (i.e.: force) him to do things. I'm not parenting him well. I love him so much, but I'm reaching my limit and find that the older he gets the less patience I have.

I am just a wreck. I don't want to parent like this. I need better parenting techniques. Where can I go? Who can help? What's the first book I should pick up? I've been to Dan Shapiro's class-it wasn't that helpful, too general. I need more.

Dump this OT pronto. Time for tough love. Your kid might actually be in the spectrum. SPD isn't a diagnosis. Got out an actual developmental pediatrician vs. spending money on an OT. You've spend enough time in denial and your kid has paid the price.

Find a behavioral or ABA therapist.

[Anonymous]

I feel your pain

We went thru this. My son is 22 now. He still struggles

If I could do over I would NEVER start medication. That is not helpful to your child maybe you and teachers but not your child

Quit work. Take your kid to parks and outside everyday. Give him time to grow up

Our kids are the same as us. We had time to grow up with out medications

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel your pain

We went thru this. My son is 22 now. He still struggles

If I could do over I would NEVER start medication. That is not helpful to your child maybe you and teachers but not your child

Quit work. Take your kid to parks and outside everyday. Give him time to grow up

Our kids are the same as us. We had time to grow up with out medications

You quit your job for what exactly? Your kid is 22 and still struggling? Should've medicated a lot sooner. Your poor, unnecessarily long suffering child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel your pain

We went thru this. My son is 22 now. He still struggles

If I could do over I would NEVER start medication. That is not helpful to your child maybe you and teachers but not your child

Quit work. Take your kid to parks and outside everyday. Give him time to grow up

Our kids are the same as us. We had time to grow up with out medications

I wish I was medicated when I was a kid. It would have made my adulthood a lot easier.

[Anonymous]

The best parenting help we got was Dr. Shapiro's parenting class at http://www.parentchildjourney.com/ The class is great, meeting other parents going through the same thing is great, and having the chance to ask Dr. Shapiro for help navigating specific problems was great.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel your pain

We went thru this. My son is 22 now. He still struggles

If I could do over I would NEVER start medication. That is not helpful to your child maybe you and teachers but not your child

Quit work. Take your kid to parks and outside everyday. Give him time to grow up

Our kids are the same as us. We had time to grow up with out medications

I wish I was medicated when I was a kid. It would have made my adulthood a lot easier.

Adderall is hell to get off. visit any of the rehab centers

there is NO study that shows it helps ADHD. We do not have any clinical evidence that confirms ADHD diagnosis. It is big phama money driving this.

We have lost track of what childhood is about, of what parenthood and teaching is about. We now think it's about having good quiet children who make it easy for us to go to work. It's about having submissive children who will sit in a boring classroom of 30, often with teachers who don't know how to use visual aids and all the other exciting technologies that kids are used to. Or there are teachers who are forced to pressure their children to get grades on standardized tests, and don't have the time to pay individual attention to them. We're in a situation in America in which the personal growth and development and happiness of our children is not the priority; it's rather the smooth functioning of overstressed families and schools. . . .

There are no miracle drugs. Speed--these drugs are forms of speed--don't improve human life. They reduce human life. And if you want less of a child, these drugs are very effective. These parents have also been lied to: flat-out lied to. They've been told that children have a neurobiological disorder. They've been told their children have biochemical imbalances and genetic defects. On what basis? That they fit into a checklist of attention deficit disorder, which is just a list of behaviors that teachers would like to see stopped in a classroom? That's all it is

https://www.nytimes.com/2016/10/16/magazine/generation-adderall-addiction.html

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel your pain

We went thru this. My son is 22 now. He still struggles

If I could do over I would NEVER start medication. That is not helpful to your child maybe you and teachers but not your child

Quit work. Take your kid to parks and outside everyday. Give him time to grow up

Our kids are the same as us. We had time to grow up with out medications

I wish I was medicated when I was a kid. It would have made my adulthood a lot easier.

Adderall is hell to get off. visit any of the rehab centers

there is NO study that shows it helps ADHD. We do not have any clinical evidence that confirms ADHD diagnosis. It is big phama money driving this.

We have lost track of what childhood is about, of what parenthood and teaching is about. We now think it's about having good quiet children who make it easy for us to go to work. It's about having submissive children who will sit in a boring classroom of 30, often with teachers who don't know how to use visual aids and all the other exciting technologies that kids are used to. Or there are teachers who are forced to pressure their children to get grades on standardized tests, and don't have the time to pay individual attention to them. We're in a situation in America in which the personal growth and development and happiness of our children is not the priority; it's rather the smooth functioning of overstressed families and schools. . . .

There are no miracle drugs. Speed--these drugs are forms of speed--don't improve human life. They reduce human life. And if you want less of a child, these drugs are very effective. These parents have also been lied to: flat-out lied to. They've been told that children have a neurobiological disorder. They've been told their children have biochemical imbalances and genetic defects. On what basis? That they fit into a checklist of attention deficit disorder, which is just a list of behaviors that teachers would like to see stopped in a classroom? That's all it is

https://www.nytimes.com/2016/10/16/magazine/generation-adderall-addiction.html

Look that might be true for a segment of the population. There are also those of us for whom this way of thinking does not apply and you're going to have to stretch your mind to reach those people. My kid goes to a very expensive school where the parents are trying all that you say and more. Nobody is talking thee childenebinto joxes. These kids have mental disturbances. There is something different about their brains. They are reacting and behaving because of it. I do not believe they are not happier feeling calm and in control. My son has told me how distressing it is when he has to hit, bang, throw, feel. And how he can't hear me when he is like that. I did quit work. I did the diets. I did the therapy. I don't need your lectures. You need to take some social skills class and learn some empathy, like so many of our kids do. Many of us don't fit in the lowest common denominator.

[Anonymous]

OP, sending supportive thoughts your way. Your self awareness and obvious desire to be the best parent you can be will carry you through. Don’t be too hard on yourself. I don’t have enough experience with this to offer useful advice but I do hope you have someone (spouse?) to help you carry the load a bit. So when you are losing patience you can walk away to take a breath.