Help. Help. Help. I need help parenting my ADHD kid

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel your pain

We went thru this. My son is 22 now. He still struggles

If I could do over I would NEVER start medication. That is not helpful to your child maybe you and teachers but not your child

Quit work. Take your kid to parks and outside everyday. Give him time to grow up

Our kids are the same as us. We had time to grow up with out medications

I wish I was medicated when I was a kid. It would have made my adulthood a lot easier.

Adderall is hell to get off. visit any of the rehab centers

there is NO study that shows it helps ADHD. We do not have any clinical evidence that confirms ADHD diagnosis. It is big phama money driving this.

We have lost track of what childhood is about, of what parenthood and teaching is about. We now think it's about having good quiet children who make it easy for us to go to work. It's about having submissive children who will sit in a boring classroom of 30, often with teachers who don't know how to use visual aids and all the other exciting technologies that kids are used to. Or there are teachers who are forced to pressure their children to get grades on standardized tests, and don't have the time to pay individual attention to them. We're in a situation in America in which the personal growth and development and happiness of our children is not the priority; it's rather the smooth functioning of overstressed families and schools. . . .

There are no miracle drugs. Speed--these drugs are forms of speed--don't improve human life. They reduce human life. And if you want less of a child, these drugs are very effective. These parents have also been lied to: flat-out lied to. They've been told that children have a neurobiological disorder. They've been told their children have biochemical imbalances and genetic defects. On what basis? That they fit into a checklist of attention deficit disorder, which is just a list of behaviors that teachers would like to see stopped in a classroom? That's all it is

https://www.nytimes.com/2016/10/16/magazine/generation-adderall-addiction.html

Ding dong, adderal isn't the only medication option. Most psychiatrists start with sub therapeutic levels of medication and build up slowly when treating children. Your kid is 22 and got diagnosed how many years ago? And you never tried meds, so you really don't have any personal experience.

Kid's with untreated ADHD are more likely to take risks like drinking and taking drugs. So stop the hippy dippy losing track of childhood bull. Plus the OP's kid is probably autistic in any case.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel your pain

We went thru this. My son is 22 now. He still struggles

If I could do over I would NEVER start medication. That is not helpful to your child maybe you and teachers but not your child

Quit work. Take your kid to parks and outside everyday. Give him time to grow up

Our kids are the same as us. We had time to grow up with out medications

I wish I was medicated when I was a kid. It would have made my adulthood a lot easier.

Adderall is hell to get off. visit any of the rehab centers

there is NO study that shows it helps ADHD. We do not have any clinical evidence that confirms ADHD diagnosis. It is big phama money driving this.

We have lost track of what childhood is about, of what parenthood and teaching is about. We now think it's about having good quiet children who make it easy for us to go to work. It's about having submissive children who will sit in a boring classroom of 30, often with teachers who don't know how to use visual aids and all the other exciting technologies that kids are used to. Or there are teachers who are forced to pressure their children to get grades on standardized tests, and don't have the time to pay individual attention to them. We're in a situation in America in which the personal growth and development and happiness of our children is not the priority; it's rather the smooth functioning of overstressed families and schools. . . .

There are no miracle drugs. Speed--these drugs are forms of speed--don't improve human life. They reduce human life. And if you want less of a child, these drugs are very effective. These parents have also been lied to: flat-out lied to. They've been told that children have a neurobiological disorder. They've been told their children have biochemical imbalances and genetic defects. On what basis? That they fit into a checklist of attention deficit disorder, which is just a list of behaviors that teachers would like to see stopped in a classroom? That's all it is

https://www.nytimes.com/2016/10/16/magazine/generation-adderall-addiction.html

No evidence you say? Please read the below treatment guidelines from the American Association of Pediatrics and don't forget to read the referenced peer reviewed research, as well as the research those researchers cite.
http://pediatrics.aappublications.org/content/pediatrics/early/2011/10/14/peds.2011-2654.full.pdf

Or do you really think a drug addict who didn't even have ADHD is somehow an expert simply because she got treatment for her drug addiction.

[Anonymous]

OP, I could have written your post about 4 years ago. Oh, the head butting! I've almost forgotten that. I can't even count how many times I thought he had broken one of my facial bones because it hurt so much when he did that! And he didn't mean to.

I think you've gotten some bad advice. Keep up with the OT IF you think it's helping. I think it can be helpful in helping kid to self-regulate their bodies, and helping them to realize where their bodies are in space. That's often a problem for kids like ours. I don't think it helps at all with the impulse control, or with the "sensory seeking" behavior -- other than giving you some ideas as to how to give them outlets for that behavior.

Here are some things that helped us:

1. Yoga and other physical activities that required some degree of concentration and body control. We had kids yoga DVDs and he liked those. We also did stuff like Just Dance. Gymnastics is really good if you can find one that doesn't have big groups or long waiting lines. We tried karate, but it wasn't great because he was practicing it at home on me. (Insert sad face here.) Some kids do okay with karate, though. We found this MUCH better than physical activity that was over-stimulating, like running in circles or playing tag.

2. Indoor Trampoline. That was his 4 or 5 year old birthday present. If he needs just a lot of motion, he can jump on the tramp while watching TV or talking to us. Better the tramp than my stomach.

3. Helping him realize the ways in which he is different. I found that the "golden rule" didn't work with him, because the way that he wanted to be treated was different from the way others want to be treated. We talked about how different people have different likes/dislikes -- some people like hamburgers, some don't, some people like being hugged really hard, some don't, some people like to stand very close to people, some don't, etc. If your friend doesn't like hamburgers, you don't give him a hamburger.
And if your friend doesn't like hugs, you don't give him a hug. There's a book called "Personal Space Camp" that might help. We also tought him that he has a higher need for physical contact than most people, and if he needs physical contact, he can come to mom and let me know and I will give him lots of cuddles.

4. Think proactively and try to think like him. If there's a line of kids, make sure he's at the end or front, so he has lots of space and isn't bumping into other kids. Things like that.

5. Medication. We started medicating right before he turned 6 and it was a huge help in curbing the impulsive behavior. He is just as active as he ever was, but he's not running into walls or just smacking people as he walks past them.

6. The ADHD brain, in some ways, is developmentally about 2 years behind. Remember that, when you're formulating expectations.

7. When all else fails, pretend you're a robot in a sci fi film. Like a really nice robot programmed to be a very sweet and loving mother. But sometimes it helps me to to put myself in "calm and supportive program" and totally surpress my own frustration and anger (at least until he's gone to bed).

[Anonymous]

Hang in there! 4 is complicated age with a neurotypical child, but extra difficult to navigate with ADHD. It was our hardest year with our son.

Taking Charge of ADHD is a great read/listen. Dr. Shapiro'S classes are excellent. When DS was 4, it was very beneficial for us to do a few parent sessions with a psychologist at Alvord Baker to talk through parenting techniques, next steps, etc.. We did a formal testing at 6.5 and our son met criteria for ADHD combined. We were surprised by the combined diagnosis as his hyperactivity is more verbal than physical.

I think my best advice to you is to do all you can to simplify your life during this period. For example, mornings were very hard with DS. I just couldn't count on him to do any part of his routine on his own. We were always stressed and running behind. it was awful. Then I started making lunches and showering at night. Once DS was awake for the day, I was done with everything I needed and could totally attend to him. We created a document detailing his morning routine with pictures and everyday we'd coach him through it. He collected stars for executing his morning routine (with support) and then those stars would translate to a new toy.

We do also make sure DS gets 60 minutes of active, hard play outdoors everyday, gets plenty of sleep, and eats a healthy and well balenced diet.

Also, please find a way to tune out these posters who come in swinging saying medicine is the devil and modern culture is to blame for ADHD. It's nonsense. Commit to allowing quality peer reviewed research guide your path forward. All the best to you. Find time for yourself to recharge. It's essential.

[Anonymous]

Calm voice
Outdoor play - it is great and will help both of you decompress
Run, jump, trampoline before things get crazy - do the outdoor stuff before screens - do not use screens to get kid to calm down
calm voice (can't say this enough) - do not yell or force situations if you do not have to - and even if you have to force situations calm voice and keep moving
Good healthy food and snacks over processed food whenever possible

[Anonymous]

Stop giving your child processed food. It's full of all sorts of crap that isn't conducive to human health or positive behavior.

A good starting book would be something like "Gut and Psychology Syndrome" by Dr Natasha Campbell-McBride (she's a neurologist but it's written for the average parent to understand).

[Anonymous]

Oh boy, you reminded me of my son a decade ago. My son was diagnosed, but could not take medication until he was around 8 because of other medical issues. A few things I remember that worked was to be very aware of antecedent behavior and intervene then. For mine, he would yell "stop it" right before he would hit. So, as soon as I heard "stop it", I intervened and we learned to avoid and eventually eliminate the hitting. I agree with others who said to get the energy out by giving a lot of outside time. My son could also concentrate on things that he liked for long periods of time, but needed someone to do the activities with him. We used to color Easter eggs about a million times a year because it was a favorite. Routine was good, particularly in the evening. We also always did activities on the weekend days.

I don't tend to be a yeller but one thing that was tough with this kid was that he didn't hear me unless I was loud. So, even though I wasn't upset or mad, I was loud and it made me crazy. That eventually passed, but it took a long time.

Sometimes when I look back on this period, I can't believe I had the energy to get through it.

As far as medication, that isn't even on your plate yet. There are people who always go crazy on the no medication soap box. But thing is, medication can be life changing for some kids and I, for one, am happy that my son's life is a little easier because of it. It doesn't change the fact that he has a disability and that his disability affects his life. But, it does make him more successful.

[Anonymous]

OP - we were right there with you. We tried everything at age 2-3-4: OT, looked for social skills groups (unsuccessfully - the therapists said not to bother at that age because the 3-4 yo with adhd wouldn't be able to access those tools outside a therapy setting), worked nonstop with his school, avoided all busy settings, skipped all the birthday parties, used reward systems, consistently, tried about 4 different diets, never had any processed food or much sugar from the get go (so knew that wasn't the problem), were constantly loving, supportive parents but firm. We tried everything. But he was hyperactive and hurting us (inadvertently -- or i should say, the actions were "advertent" while the resulting injury to others was not his intent). He was hurting and scaring other kids at school and was totally unaware of the idea of "friends". He was, the minute there were more than 2 people around him, just in this insanely intense overloaded state.

We started medication at 4.5 and it was the best thing we ever did. He was instantly a new happier kid. Within a month, all those years of therapies, efforts, reward systems, etc paid off and they all came together. He *knew* all the things he was supposed to be doing (thanks to the years of effort we had put into working with him, we thought to no avail). His adhd brain totally prevented him from being able to do those things.

I thought general pediatricians and teachers were going to eye-rolling and skeptical. But we went through proper channels (KKI) and they have been nothing but supportive. His ped is like "your kid has a disorder. The brain scans would show that his brain works different than it's supposed to. Mom wouldn't stop taking her thyroid medication just because she didn't like the idea of drugs. Don't be mean to your kid." His teacher has seen him off meds (when we have forgotten) and she said it's like he's a kid in the wrong skin -- totally uncomfortable and out of sorts. He's a happy, hyper, engaged kid with friends on the meds. He's an unhappy, hyper out of control loner when he's not.

I'm also happier: I no longer wake up in sweaty anxiety attacks, or lie awake every night sweating the next day. I no longer dread daily phone calls from school, calling me away from work. I don't dread parties, or play dates, or making eye contact with other parents at school.

PS that NY Times article is such bullshit. It's about a bratty millennial journalist who started using meds in college without any diagnosis. And then traveled the world lying to get more prescriptions. There are always rich, entitled brats like that in life. In the 80s, it was the kids who used uppers. And today, people using those 7 hour upper caffeine drinks. I have no idea why they used that headline to describe the article because it's not what the article was about at all.

[Anonymous]

OP, hang in there. My kid is 9 this year and while things still aren't easy, 3rd grade (last school year) was a HUGE turning point. Things are SO much better this year.

I can't emphasize physical play enough. Like, way way more than you think any child could possibly need. I would take my kid for a bike ride in the morning, we'd come home and have lunch, play some legos, then my wife would take him to the playground in the afternoon (weekends).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel your pain

We went thru this. My son is 22 now. He still struggles

If I could do over I would NEVER start medication. That is not helpful to your child maybe you and teachers but not your child

Quit work. Take your kid to parks and outside everyday. Give him time to grow up

Our kids are the same as us. We had time to grow up with out medications

I wish I was medicated when I was a kid. It would have made my adulthood a lot easier.

Adderall is hell to get off. visit any of the rehab centers

there is NO study that shows it helps ADHD. We do not have any clinical evidence that confirms ADHD diagnosis. It is big phama money driving this.

We have lost track of what childhood is about, of what parenthood and teaching is about. We now think it's about having good quiet children who make it easy for us to go to work. It's about having submissive children who will sit in a boring classroom of 30, often with teachers who don't know how to use visual aids and all the other exciting technologies that kids are used to. Or there are teachers who are forced to pressure their children to get grades on standardized tests, and don't have the time to pay individual attention to them. We're in a situation in America in which the personal growth and development and happiness of our children is not the priority; it's rather the smooth functioning of overstressed families and schools. . . .

There are no miracle drugs. Speed--these drugs are forms of speed--don't improve human life. They reduce human life. And if you want less of a child, these drugs are very effective. These parents have also been lied to: flat-out lied to. They've been told that children have a neurobiological disorder. They've been told their children have biochemical imbalances and genetic defects. On what basis? That they fit into a checklist of attention deficit disorder, which is just a list of behaviors that teachers would like to see stopped in a classroom? That's all it is

https://www.nytimes.com/2016/10/16/magazine/generation-adderall-addiction.html

Look that might be true for a segment of the population. There are also those of us for whom this way of thinking does not apply and you're going to have to stretch your mind to reach those people. My kid goes to a very expensive school where the parents are trying all that you say and more. Nobody is talking thee childenebinto joxes. These kids have mental disturbances. There is something different about their brains. They are reacting and behaving because of it. I do not believe they are not happier feeling calm and in control. My son has told me how distressing it is when he has to hit, bang, throw, feel. And how he can't hear me when he is like that. I did quit work. I did the diets. I did the therapy. I don't need your lectures. You need to take some social skills class and learn some empathy, like so many of our kids do. Many of us don't fit in the lowest common denominator.

Same here. Quit work, did the diets, supplements, OT, parenting classes and my 7 year old started self harming and talking about suicide. One week of medication an she was better. Healed, I would say. She's 13 now and amazing, fantastic. So please, don't make broad generalizations.

[Anonymous]

That article was about a person who did not have ADHD. You can't assume that because one person used a drug inappropriately and for the wrong reasons, that it will have the same impact on your ADHD-diagnosed child.

[Anonymous]

Those drugs work completely differently on NT people and ADHD folks. We are wired differently.

[Anonymous]

My son was diagnosed with severe ADHD at age 6, I tried Adderall and it made his heart race, I tried a non-stimulant and I didn't like the side effects, so we went off all medications and I have been working with him one-on-one for the past 6 years to help him manage it without meds. He's 12 and is doing great! I also have it so I have used what I have taught myself to help him to use it as a motivator and not think of it as a handicap. It's just a personal decision, everyone has their own way of dealing with this, and when they are younger it is a lot harder. Things will get better. They did with my son. He's an awesome kid!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My son was diagnosed with severe ADHD at age 6, I tried Adderall and it made his heart race, I tried a non-stimulant and I didn't like the side effects, so we went off all medications and I have been working with him one-on-one for the past 6 years to help him manage it without meds. He's 12 and is doing great! I also have it so I have used what I have taught myself to help him to use it as a motivator and not think of it as a handicap. It's just a personal decision, everyone has their own way of dealing with this, and when they are younger it is a lot harder. Things will get better. They did with my son. He's an awesome kid!

Yes, but at least you tried meds. ADHD can be so challenging and it can hurt so badly -- from challenged daily functioning, to safety issues, to impaired self esteem. To me, we owe it to our kids to understand best practices and at least try them. Every kid is different. Some coping mechanisms work for some people and not others. I have it too and I was able to largely find supports to help me be successful. My son struggles more. Meds don't give him side effects, though, and they are helping him. Me, I still get buy without meds. But I watch my friend struggle with her 13 year old. She refuses to try meds and he's become sullen, won't speak to her, and has stopped trying at school. She never did therapy either. I will always wonder if he had had the med/therapy combo three years ago when diagnosed, if he'd feel more successful today. So I'm thrilled your son is doing well and I'm sure it was a lot of work on your part. That is awesome! I just think that people shouldn't refuse meds from the start. They are one of several approaches and our kids deserve our trying things til we find what works.

[Anonymous]

I am so sorry that you are having such a difficult time with your son. It must be exhausting and overwhelming. The wonderful thing is that you are in the process of having him diagnosed, which should help determine an appropriate intervention for him. Have you sought any type of assistance with a behavioral intervention specialist? Behavior interventionists are able to come into the home, assess the situation, and provide an intervention program or strategies to help manage your son's behavior. Sometimes an integrative approach of using both behavioral intervention and medication can be effective.