Keep reaching out to estranged brother?

[Anonymous]

My brother cut off all contact with me a few days before my wedding 3 years ago because my mom convinced him I had banned her from attending (I didn't-she chose not to attend because I invited my father. They are divorced. He cheated and she hates him). Brother took mom's side and she convinced him not to go out of loyalty to her.

I have tried reaching out to my brother for 3 years now. I tried calling and texting a few times those first couple months, until I realized he was ignoring me. I now only contact him via snail mail a handful of times a year (birthday cards, Christmas, etc.). He has a young child and I have sent cards with checks as a gift but they never get cashed. I don't know if he even opens the things I send.

A few months ago, as a last ditch effort, I tried sending an apology letter to him. It was hard because I know he 100% without question believes the lies my mom has told him about me, and in the past when I've tried to tell him they are lies and show him proof he says I'm a liar and manipulator and how dare I disrespect my mother. So in the letter I couldn't really address things head on because it would only be treated as me lying again. I tried just telling him that I was sorry for how my choices had affected him and that I still loved him and he would always be my brother.

Am I crazy for continuing to contact him via mail? Will he really go the rest of our lives without talking to me? We are in our 30s, that seems like such a long time.

I guess my hope is if I keep showing him that I love him and that I exist, but in a non-aggressive way (that's why I only use mail and only a handful of times a year), maybe someday something will change.

[Anonymous]

Op,

I am so sorry! Yes, I would stop trying for right now. Don't think long term as things could change. If you can afford it I would go to a good therapist and work on yourself. It sounds like your family is enmeshed ( I know I also grew up in one) If you had normal healthy relationship than your brother would have had a conversation with you and heard your side. As it is, your mom talking bad about you to brother isn't cool. She should have kept whatever disagreement with you just between you.

I am one of three and my sister also left the family although in our case the whole family ( mom, brother and I) I cannot stress how therapy has really helped me. I can't give you a long term answer but, perhaps talking to someone will give clarity to the situation. None of us has met our nephew, sister's choice. Sad for this little boy because we would love to shower him with love. Nothing we can do so I try not to think about it.

You are not alone, though.

[Anonymous]

What does your mother say about this situation?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What does your mother say about this situation?

Op here. My mother doesn't speak to me either.

[Anonymous]

Wow! You were dealt a very hard hand, OP. How unfair. My cousin has cut off an entire side of the family (us) because of a sibling conflict involving her father and his siblings (including my mother). It's really sad.

Give it a rest for now.

[Anonymous]

I think you need to let it go. Its easy for him to keep ignoring you, its become a habit. IF you stop trying to contact him you may find it gives him time to think everything through and he may find his way to getting in touch with you. Or he may not, but at least you can stop torturing yourself over this.

Good luck op.

[Anonymous]

As someone who cut off a sibling, please stop reaching out to him. My brother doesn't respect that I want nothing to do with him. Every so often, he'll pop back into my life with an e-mail or text. It's infuriating, to be honest. And I also make it a point to ignore anything from him. Responding would only encourage him to keep contacting me.

Regardless if your brother's reasons for cutting communication were legitimate, they are still his reasons. He doesn't want a relationship with you. Yes, that hurts. But it is his decision. If and when he wants to reconnect, he will be the one to initiate. You can't force it.

[Anonymous]

Twice a year send him a card with a "thinking of you" type message (December-Holiday time, and his birthday) Nothing heavy. No drama. Each of you may be in a different-place later in life. Leave the door open.

[Anonymous]

^ don't involve his children (cards, checks). You are over-stepping your bounds.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As someone who cut off a sibling, please stop reaching out to him. My brother doesn't respect that I want nothing to do with him. Every so often, he'll pop back into my life with an e-mail or text. It's infuriating, to be honest. And I also make it a point to ignore anything from him. Responding would only encourage him to keep contacting me.

Regardless if your brother's reasons for cutting communication were legitimate, they are still his reasons. He doesn't want a relationship with you. Yes, that hurts. But it is his decision. If and when he wants to reconnect, he will be the one to initiate. You can't force it.

It's "infuriating" that a relative wants to reconcile? Please explain what's so horrible about that? Your response sounds so much like a situation in my family that I would swear you were my sister. Please help me understand.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Twice a year send him a card with a "thinking of you" type message (December-Holiday time, and his birthday) Nothing heavy. No drama. Each of you may be in a different-place later in life. Leave the door open.

Op here. Yes, agree. This is what I do (other than the letter I sent a few months ago, which was the only one in three years). I keep it very light, just hey I hope things are good, thinking of you, take care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^ don't involve his children (cards, checks). You are over-stepping your bounds.

Op here. Do you really think? I don't write to them directly. I write to my brother on his child's birthday and include a check. I agree it would be inappropriate to contact his child directly.

I shouldn't acknowledge births either? It just feels so rotten not to acknowledge. But if it's overstepping I guess I will stop.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As someone who cut off a sibling, please stop reaching out to him. My brother doesn't respect that I want nothing to do with him. Every so often, he'll pop back into my life with an e-mail or text. It's infuriating, to be honest. And I also make it a point to ignore anything from him. Responding would only encourage him to keep contacting me.

Regardless if your brother's reasons for cutting communication were legitimate, they are still his reasons. He doesn't want a relationship with you. Yes, that hurts. But it is his decision. If and when he wants to reconnect, he will be the one to initiate. You can't force it.

Op here. I agree it's his choice and I do worry that me continuing to contact him could be making things worse and/or be causing him to feel disrespected. Does it make any difference that it's only handful of times a year and only via snail mail? I guess I thought that was less intrusive somehow than email or text but maybe not necessarily.

It's hard because he's never told me to stop contacting him and it's not like we ever had a fight or conversation where he told me he was done with our relationship. He just ghosted me. If he tells me to stop I agree I have no choice but to stop. Do you think him ignoring me is the same thing as telling me to stop contacting him? Genuine question here.

[Anonymous]

Your brother wants nothing to do with you. He is showing you that by his actions, unless he is dead... leave him alone completely. You may find that he becomes curious and may reach out to you. Or he may not. Family are not obligated to stay in contact with each other forever. It sucks but it is his choice. Are you also trying to talk to your mother? Maybe start with her. She can then talk to the brother. I have seen this many times and sadly, the only thing that brings siblings back together is the death of their mother

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^ don't involve his children (cards, checks). You are over-stepping your bounds.

Not the OP, but I was godparent to an estranged sibling's child. I sent him a check for his high school graduation, and you would have thought that I had sent a bomb to the house. Over-stepping my bounds? Ridiculous. It's not the kid's fault his parent is such an ass. BTW - the check was never cashed. I suspect the card never made it to the kid.