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My wife hates my parents
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Anonymous
| My wife, who is my soul mate and I love dearly, HATES my parents. They live far away, so it's good to have the space. I have difficulty with then too, but she doesn't want them around our kids. Makes it super tough on us. All my parents want to do is spend time with their grandkids, and I'm an only child too. My parents, I agree, are nuts and not great role models and there are legit safety issues when we have visited. But their standpoint is, "we raised you and you turned out great." How do I make this work better? I'm sure their are plenty of wives on here that also can't stand their inlaws. Ideally I would like them to only visit a few times every year and maybe we visit them once a year for a holiday. One of our kids had a bday a few months ago and my parents weren't invited. They are so upset. The stress on all of this is so much. Advice on trying to make this work better?? |
Anonymous
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How many kids do you have? Can you limit the IL visits to two or three nights for birthdays? On whichever turf is more enjoyable for the wife. ie: hotel on their turf or yours, if they are unbearable in your house, even for such a short time? IL's can be disrespectful. Hard to believe, I know 
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Anonymous
My suggestions - you take the kids to see them. She goes on a nice trip by herself or with girlfriends. Invite them to come out once or twice a year (again, best if your wife is on a trip) and to a small "birthday party" for your relatives. Don't tell them when you are doing other parties that they are not invited to. |
Anonymous
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PP - Agree with your suggestion. DH has to play by the rules and be respectful of wife in wife's absence, however. NOT that he wouldn't be. |
Anonymous
| What are they doing that your wife thinks is a bad influence on your children? Does she have legitimate concerns? (I am bending over backwards to keep my own family from influencing my kids the way I was "influenced" growing up). |
Anonymous
| She is allowed to hate them. The reasons don't matter. |
Anonymous
Yes, she is allowed to hate them. But OP said she had some concerns about them being bad influences on the kids. The OP and his wife are raising their kids together. Isn't he concerned that they not be exposed to bad influences, too? Or does he not think her concerns are legitimate? Because they should be on the same page about what is important to their kids, and spell that out to the inlaws. |
Anonymous
| Are her reasons good, or is she being difficult? Imagine how it would feel if your only child cut you off because his/her spouse disliked you. |
Anonymous
can u even read'? op said his parents are nuts! |
Anonymous
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OP here, the reasons are legit (I don't want to go into detail as my wife might check this thread out!), howver she also is being difficult. I agree, I feel for my parents that don't get to see their only grandkids, but I also want some sort of peace in our own household. It's a difficult balancing act! FWIW, her parents also think she's being overly crazy, and I'm seeking their support also to help, but she often shuts them down too. It's a big mess.
Having them visit when she's not here is an excellent idea, and I'm trying to get her to be comfortable with that. Eg it's much easier when both of us are "on" around our kids and my parents rather than just one of us. |
Anonymous
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Can you talk to your parents and tell them that "their ways" frightens her? It depends on what they do in my opinion.
If they are just loud, annoying and forgot how childproof this is not reason to hate them and isolate your kids from them - they just need to be supervised during these visits so you can try to control the situation. If they are doing illegal things and using foul language and are intoxicated then I dont blame her. I think most ppl dont love their in laws, but you need to be respectful and civil so you can be a better role model to your children. Again - depends on what you mean your parents are "NUTS" |
Anonymous
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If she has legitimate concerns about your kids' safety (or some other kind of bad influence) then no, seeing your parents when she isn't around isn't going to help anything. I wouldn't rest easy knowing my kids were in danger/being influenced in ways I don't like just because I'm not there to witness it.
You need to spell out to your parents what your -- you and your wife's -- concerns are and tell them, this is why we don't want you around OUR children. Then let them change their ways if they want to visit or have you visit them. I already posted -- you and your wife need to be on the same page about this. It sounds like you have concerns yourself (being "on" around your parents). |
Anonymous
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Don't compromise on the safety issues, but work with your wife to come to some consensus on some of the other issues.
For example, my ILs have a dog that nips and a pool. When we visit, we ask them to keep the dog away and we put a safety device on the door that leads to the pool. My SIL has a cluttery house that she does not babyproof, but rather than expect her to clear everything out, I just keep an extra watch on my kids. Yes, it's a pain, but that's our compromise. |
Anonymous
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OP, this is just a guess so if I am off the mark, please forgive me but if the concerns about your parents involve addictions of any kind, you might consider participating in a 12 step program like Al-Anon or Nar-Anon to better understand the dynamic of addiction in families and the impact of addiction on friends and families of addicts.
Anyway, whatever is going on, it is hard to be caught in the middle like this so good luck to you. |
Anonymous
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Didn't invite them to the bday party. Are you kidding? I don't like my mother in law. But I would never do that to my kids or my husband. I love my husband. That would really hurt him.
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