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My wife hates my parents
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Anonymous
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OP, here's my 2 cents. (It probably doesn't apply exactly to your situation. But this thread is like several I've seen lately).
I think that wives have FAR too much power over the time spent with husbands' families. And I'm speaking as a wife. I'm sure that it's because we're the traditional childcare provider that we get to yield this power. But I really think it's wrong. For instance, since my brothers married, my family never sees them unless we go through their wives. I'm not crazy about my in-laws but I really make an effort to spend as much time with them as with my own family. I feel it's only fair to my husband. Why do men let their wives get away with this? Why do women favor their own families over their husbands'? Are the in-laws REALLY so evil? Or do the ywomen refuse to tolerate the same shortcomings that they put up with in their own families? I have sons and I certainly hope that the power tips towards a more equal balance eventually. |
Anonymous
| I hear you past poster. I have sons too and really make an effort to include the in-laws in our lives. Yes, they drive me up a wall at times and hold some very different values than my own family, but they love my boys to pieces and they mostly respect my wishes. I did have to call out my FIL when he wanted to pick the kids up from daycare after having a couple of drinks. You have to protect your kids, obviously, but I don't think that comes at the expense of a relationship w/ their grandparents. |
Anonymous
| I think if there are legit safety concerns, then I would think that your wife may not be comfortable with you taking them to your parent's house for a visit while she is not there. What about inviting them for a set visit, but making it clear that they need to stay in a hotel? That way you can more easily come up with a lot of activities, such as the zoo, etc, that you can do, they do not need to be around your house as much since they are in a hotel. You then do not run the safety risks that would come with a visit to them? |
Anonymous
| 2:53, what you say makes sense and I agree with you but I will say that I do not force my husband to spend time with my parents. I actually encourage him to go do things for himself, even though he has a great relationship with them. Sometimes he takes me up on it and sometimes he doesn't. What isn't fair is when I am expected to spend time with his family every time they are around because of how it will look or feelings getting hurt or whatever. As a result, we see his family less (not less than mine since they're not even local) than we could b/c of the demands that are put on me for no comprehensible reason. |
Anonymous
Hang in there, OP. Sounds like you want what is best for everyone and will do the best you can. Good luck! |
Anonymous
The parts that apply to how they already live I guess are forgivable, but not supporting your decisions on how you are raising your kids and egging on poor behavior -- how can you tolerate that? Why does your wife have to be the one to put her foot down? You need to tell your parents they can either cut that out or stop complaining about not being a big part of your family's lives. If they don't want to make the effort then they have no one but themselves to blame. |
Anonymous
I can appreciate this, but I can tell you why it's happened in my family - because I decided it was no longer my sole responsibility to manage my husband's relationship with his family. Our families live in roughly the same area. So when we go home, I call my mother, we talk about what we'd like to do on what days, plan, etc. My husband would make no arrangements with his family until I emailed/called them all and nailed everything down. And they're not that much better at responding. His mother will cry and guilt trip us about not seeing her "precious grandson" often enough, then not return my calls and emails about finding a time to visit. So after about 3, 4 years of this, with no improvement on either side, I decided my husband was more than capable of making plans with his own family. And if it doesn't happen, it doesn't happen. But I don't allow the responsibility to fall solely on my shoulders. Do I favor my family above his? Or say, tolerate my family's quirks and foibles more than this? Absolutely. Because they're my family. I've known and loved them for decades longer. My MIL is fine and in no way evil, but she's not my mother. |
Anonymous
Because they don't care as much as women do. If they did, they would pick up the phone or email their original families themselves. Do you think your brother's wives don't allow that? |
Anonymous
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As of two days ago, I lived with my wife, two beautiful 3 and 1 1/2 daughter and son, my mom (saint), my father (recovering alcoholic but very smart man), my 25 yr. old pot head, disrespectful know-it-all brother, my 73 yr old alcoholic grandfather, a 120lb white german shepard, a 12 yr old female pitbull, three cats, and one mean fish named shivon.
My mother wanted Jake the german shepard out so she could make her small house in need of some repairs, look nicer like my in-laws.' My wife takes extreme offense to this because she feels her contribution to the house (cooking and cleaning and feeding animals) is not appreciated and my parents treat her like shit. So then it finally happens...... My wife starts packing up with the kids and heading for her parents house. My father stops her for a second to see what was wrong and they get into a huge, almost violent fight right in front of my very smart 3 yr old. and I'm covering her ears becuase I didn't know what else to do. Now me and my wife and kids are sleeping in different places. My wife is mad at me for not standing up for her. How am I supposed to handle that? |
Anonymous
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Hi OP
I think you and your wife need to determine whether you both agree on some basic principles: 1) Is it important to both of you that your children have the opportunity to get to know their grandparents/blood relatives? 2) Is it important to both of you that people are treated with respect - that means your parents not being supportive of your parenting decisions, nor encouraging bad behavior when you have made it clear you don't want that for example, but also any behaviors directed towards your wife from your parents which are rude or v.v.? 3) Do you both agree that your parents are well-intentioned people, but who have inappropriate behaviors eg being neglectful re:safety? ie they aren't sociopaths, child abusers etc? If you get your wife to at least think about the above, her behaviors won't be dependent on her emotions; ie how she hates your parents, how infuriated their behaviors make her, whatever else. If you agree on those basic principles, then you both need to figure out how to make it work for everyone involved. You could make some house rules: 1) Your parents shouldn't be making comments about how you and your wife are raising your children and while they can think it in their heads, they can't voice these disagreements to you, your wife, or your children. If they can't follow this rule, then no visits. 2) If they can't abide by safety rules, then you or another responsible adult needs to supervise their visits with your children. 3) Whatever else is important here. I suggest you have a discussion with your wife. Then have a discussion with your parents. let everyone know what the house rules are. I have a crazy family and my son's dad does not live with us and while I see that these are people I don't want to associate with because they are rude, inappropriate, jerks, selfish etc....I take the stance that my child should have the opportunity to know them, and the opportunity to develop his own opinions of them. They don't spend enough time with him - once a month at most by their choice - and any bad influences they might have on him other than safety issues can never had the influence that his regular caregivers including me have on him. It doesn't sound like protecting your children from your parents if your wife's concern however - I get the impression she is just pissed at them. I don't know how old your children are but it's pretty easy to say to a 4 year old - we do things this way, your grandparents let you do this, but we don't. Also I've chilled about some of the things that were important to me; eg. watching TV (my parents just let my son sit in front of the TV all day whereas I limit it). I'm also surprised that your wife has been able to make the call on whether the grandparents can have access to your children - it's pretty bad that they weren't invited to the birthday party. That is unreasonable. I think YOU need to take a stance on what is important to you and see if you can get her to agree on basic principles at least. Then YOU need to take a stance with your parents and let them know that while you want them to develop a relationship with your children, they will have to abide by these rules. |
Anonymous
Holy crap. Is this for real? You live with your entire family of origin AND your adult family? And your mother is the saint? Clearly I have no idea what circumstances put you all into that arrangement but I can tell you that if I was your wife, I would have left those living conditions a long time ago. You are worried about one argument in front of your very smart 3 yr old but exposing her to an elderly alcoholic and a disrespectful drug addict seems OK to you?? You don't think she is learning less than desirable things from them? And to answer your question, YES you should have stood up for your wife. If you can take a step back, and examine your situation objectively, I hope you can see how highly unusual it is. I think your wife deserves a metal and I would beg her forgiveness ASAP. Also, try pledging to grow a set so that NO ONE ever talks to her like that again. As for the 'almost violent' point -- I am glad you tried to protect your child from that situation but as soon as she was removed, you should have intervened between your father and your wife. God, this post can't possibly be for real.... |
Anonymous
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A couple of ideas:
(1) NEVER allow your parents to drive you children anywhere if you are concerned that they are unsafe drivers. This should be reassuring to your wife and relatively easy to do if you keep the visits short. (2) Have your parents stay in a hotel when they visit you and be sure to stay in a hotel when you visit them. Expensive but worth it to have some extra space and a place to get away. (3) Would your wife's parents be willing to visit at the same time as your parents? We've found that it makes for a loud and crazy couple of days, but the grandparents are actually good influences on each other and it's a better experience for us, too. (4) You and your wife might really want to consider a few hours of marital counseling on this issue, if for no other reason than to facilitate communication. This is an important issue and it sounds like it's not going away any time soon. Good luck. |
Anonymous
I think you raise some legitimate concerns, but my husband makes no effort to call his parents. Zero. I have to pester him to call. He doesn't want to. I invited his dad and stepmom for Thanksgiving because he wouldn't. He's not thrilled, but I made the effort. He's a lousy son because this is the way they raised him. Period. I get this and I can see it for what it is, but he's a grown man. I deal with my family and I think he should deal with his. It's not my responsibility to mother him. |
Anonymous
| OP, I apologize if I'm projecting (I hate my MIL, and the feeling is mutual), but in case it helps: one thing that makes a big difference in my relationship with my DH when it comes to his mother is boundaries. They have a completely unhealthy relationship where she never respects any boundaries with him, and then because he is my husband, I end up paying the price. It makes a big difference with me (and allows me to be more charitable toward my MIL) when my DH stands up to her and asserts some boundaries. Things like: no, I'm not leaving my newborn at home with her exhausted mother so I can drive you to your bingo game because you are too cheap to buy a car, and no, you can't come stay with us for a month in our one bedroom condo. It's when he feels conflicted and starts caving in to her demands that I feel completely helpless, and end up in a huge fight with him because it's the only way to protect my own space (and my DS's). Whatever the specifics of your problem, I bet it would go a long way to make sure your wife feels that you are on her side and willing to stand up to your MIL in order to protect your family. Good luck. |
Anonymous
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OP, can you go to a resort together where no one has to drive, and you can control your DCs living arrangements (in terms of childproofing as you see fit)? Then your wife can go to the spa or whatever when she doesn't want to deal with the ILs, and there are lots of activities to do that are child-friendly. My ILs would be offended if I went on a mini-vacation rather than see them.
My ILs live far enough away that they almost never come to DC (don't want to use their vacation to visit the grandkids). I'd rather go on vacation with them, though, than hang out in their disgusting house with their friends (even DH says that they are vulgar so it's not just me). I agree with PPs that you really should try to keep them in your DCs lives if you want to. |