My wife hates my parents

[Anonymous]

women are crazy, in general. My wife included. My wife is a control freak and the night my nice mother died she told me "your mom wasn't that great of a person". You think my wife has mental issues..... I do

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She is allowed to hate them. The reasons don't matter.

...said the person who is headed for divorce.

[Anonymous]

Counseling STAT.
This can destroy a marriage.

[Anonymous]

Haven't read all of the replies.

I have very nice, safe in-laws. However, I don't really enjoy spending time with them because my mother-in-law can be really hard to deal with. Very passive aggressively critical of me. ONe thing my husband does is stick up for me every single time, quickly, nipping any of that in the bud. It makes dealing with her much easier on me. I will say that we don't spend too many holidays with them, because I'm not willing to ruin my Christmas so that the in-laws can spend time with my children. However, I wouldn't exclude them from birthdays or otherwise prevent them from visiting (they visit us from about 2000 miles away every other month and we visit them about 3x a year).

Find a compromise with your wife.

Given that there are safety issues, I doubt spending time with the in-laws without her will ever be acceptable to her (that wouldn't fly with me if there were real safety issues). Your wife can and should indulge you and your parents a few times a year for visits, but it's not nice of YOU to ask her to tolerate bad behavior that may ruin her holiday. If your parents are really hurt about this, you need to step up and tell them that when they conquer whatever issues they have that make things so stressful / unpleasant / toxic for your wife (and family) that they are welcome anytime. (And your wife should agree that if they make the effort, and make REAL progress, she must try to forgive).

While you don't have to exclude your parents, and shouldn't, it's not fair for you to ask your wife to make all of the sacrifice.

[Anonymous]

I'm a wife, and my husband has sided with his parents, and it's a reasonable guess we are headed for a divorce.

You may or may not like my bottom line: at some point you may have to pick between your wife and your parents and you should be clear to yourself which you want.

You point out they are nuts, you indicate you love her very much, and you point out there are legit safety issues. One possibiity may be to indicate to all concerned that you will stand behind your wife, whatever her position is, and do so. It may make your wife feel more secure and generous to them; it may not. But the bottom line is that situations like this are hard to "compromise" and you may end up having to choose which side you're on.

[Anonymous]

My gut reaction to the OP is that the post was written by a woman.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Growing up my mom cut us from my grandparents (her MIL and FIL), they hated her and she hated them, they were very cruel to her also, even spread rumors that my mom was crazy and to be committed, while my mom simply was depressed.
BUT I resented that I never really got to get close to my grand parents later, I guess I thought I had missed out. It is something to think about.

This is really the crux of the issue. Husband, wife, and inlaws are all secondary to the children. They have a right to know their family. Something has to be worked out. I'm not saying that the inlaws should be allowed to endanger the child, and I am also not saying that DW and the IL's have to be around each other more than necessary - like large family events where everybody should attend. Birthday? Yes. She needs to suck it up for a birthday.

But I am saying that the children have a right to know their grandparents and form their own relationship.

If DW hates your parents, fine. But she has to find some reasonable way to allow everyone to be together.

[Anonymous]

Is this post for real? Ok mommas boy. Grow a pair, cut the apron strings and stand up for your wife and her feelings. If not, why don't you go and sit on your mommy's lap while your kids engage in dangerous behavior. Work on your relationship with your wife instead of whining on here.

[Anonymous]

If there are legit safety concerns, I would not send my kids there, with their dad or not. NO WAY.

I would limit contact to inviting your parents for group events, like birthdays or holidays, so that there is less opportunity for us to interact one on one.

[Anonymous]

I am sooooooooooo glad that I am a widow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My wife, who is my soul mate and I love dearly, HATES my parents. They live far away, so it's good to have the space. I have difficulty with then too, but she doesn't want them around our kids. Makes it super tough on us. All my parents want to do is spend time with their grandkids, and I'm an only child too. My parents, I agree, are nuts and not great role models and there are legit safety issues when we have visited. But their standpoint is, "we raised you and you turned out great." How do I make this work better? I'm sure their are plenty of wives on here that also can't stand their inlaws. Ideally I would like them to only visit a few times every year and maybe we visit them once a year for a holiday. One of our kids had a bday a few months ago and my parents weren't invited. They are so upset. The stress on all of this is so much. Advice on trying to make this work better??

This is not fair to grandparents or grandchildren. Your wife can suck it up for their visits because, at this point, they probably do not like her. You need to either use the balls you were, supposedly, born with or grow some. Your parents also have a good point that they raised you and you must have turned out all right because your wife married you. Your wife sound selfish and childish and she needs to grow up.

You will regret this when your parents are not longer around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What are they doing that your wife thinks is a bad influence on your children? Does she have legitimate concerns? (I am bending over backwards to keep my own family from influencing my kids the way I was "influenced" growing up).

Same here. . .it's not my ILs that are the problem, it's MY parents. Good thing they live far away and don't make much of an effort to see us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, here's my 2 cents. (It probably doesn't apply exactly to your situation. But this thread is like several I've seen lately).

I think that wives have FAR too much power over the time spent with husbands' families. And I'm speaking as a wife.

I'm sure that it's because we're the traditional childcare provider that we get to yield this power. But I really think it's wrong. For instance, since my brothers married, my family never sees them unless we go through their wives. I'm not crazy about my in-laws but I really make an effort to spend as much time with them as with my own family. I feel it's only fair to my husband.

Why do men let their wives get away with this? Why do women favor their own families over their husbands'? Are the in-laws REALLY so evil? Or do the ywomen refuse to tolerate the same shortcomings that they put up with in their own families?

I have sons and I certainly hope that the power tips towards a more equal balance eventually.

I must be in the minority here because I would MUCH rather spend time with DH's parents than my own. In fact, I think I've spend every Christmas with DH's family since I met him 11 years ago. To the mom of boys-I think how you are as a MIL will determine how much time your sons and their families will want to spend with you. I actually really love my MIL and consider myself extremely fortunate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a wife, and my husband has sided with his parents, and it's a reasonable guess we are headed for a divorce.

You may or may not like my bottom line: at some point you may have to pick between your wife and your parents and you should be clear to yourself which you want.

You point out they are nuts, you indicate you love her very much, and you point out there are legit safety issues. One possibiity may be to indicate to all concerned that you will stand behind your wife, whatever her position is, and do so. It may make your wife feel more secure and generous to them; it may not. But the bottom line is that situations like this are hard to "compromise" and you may end up having to choose which side you're on.

The dad can be there to protect the kids, even if there are safety issues. Its not that hard to compromise here. I think your all-or nothing attidtude is why you are headed towards divorce, not your DH siding with his parents.

[Anonymous]

I sense a troll here. This story is so unbelievable.