Need some guidance on my 4 year old who seems depressed

[Anonymous]

I want to start this off by saying we have already seen out doctor who, after speaking with us and him, agreed there was troubling responses and behaviors and we are now meeting with a psychiatrist and a developmental pediatrician (in a few weeks - first available). I am looking forward to their analysis, but one of the big things I am also seeking is advice from other parents on books or other resources, including advice, that will help us learn to parent a child like this.

My son -- our middle child -- has always shown signs of strong negative emotions. He had colic. He screamed so loud and we fought him so hard when we changed his diaper that people reported me in restaurants for abuse (that is not a joke, that happened twice). He woke up for the first three years of his life and screamed without stopping. We were in there with him, it wasn't like we cried it out. He just... screamed. Sort of night terrors but he was more awake. We almost lost our minds. And ever since he could articulate things, he has ALWAYS taken things in the most negative light. We go to the aquarium and he says it was not fun because he didn't see all the exhibits. A day of pure joy is ended saying it was a sad day within nothing good because he didn't have blueberries for breakfast. I could go on and on. You all know someone who sees the glass half empty? That's my kid, on literally everything.

He rarely smiles. He glares in all pictures. He doesn't participate in pretty much anything in preschool (his teachers say he is an "independent learner"). He doesn't want to be a part of family activities. We have to force him to participate - and I do because he is a member of this family and that sometimes means doing activities as a family.

And then there are the signs that led us to the psych eval. The things he used to love and take joy in no longer interest him. Music that used to make him laugh and dance he now covers his ears. Finger plays and interactions I used to do with him and he would beg for now make him run away. He seems afraid of feeling happy. He actively, spontaneously, and regularly says he feels nothing and nothing is good in his life. People in our lives tell us they are concerned with how he is behaving. He says all he wants to do is be alone and watch tv (note that we limit screen time). He says he has no friends any more, and doesn't want to play with any of the kids in the neighborhood he used to love to play with. He has withdrawn into legos and obsesses over them. He has actual meltdowns if we take them away, which we did at his doctor's suggestion.

He also walks to the beat of his own drum in a way I love and respect and want to accommodate his personality. It's ok if he doesn't want to smile or be in the Christmas pageant. It's ok if he needs a lot of alone time. I want to respect the person he is. But I want him to participate in family activities, and life, and find joy in it. I don't want him to always pick up on the one slightly negative thing and have that ALWAYS be his take away. I want to help him find the positive; I truly worry that his memories are forming as a series of negative disappointments and bad experiences where everyone around him had a wonderful time and made happy memories. Most of all, I want him to be comfortable with joy again.

So that was long. You can tell I'm struggling. I want to know what to do, and learn about this, and learn how to parent this child better. Our 7-year-old has ADHD and sensory integration issues and we went through a similar process when he was a toddler, and again with his ADHD diagnosis. But that almost seemed easier as my older is a happy child who seeks to comply, and is an eternal optimist. So help me if you've been through this to know what to do for him, or get me started as I learn more about this. Thank you.

[Anonymous]

Sorry you are going through this. It's really hard to see your child so unhappy. You are doing the right thing by taking him for an evaluation. There are a number of things this could be, and it's really hard to tell you what can do without that evaluation.

In the meantime, you can treat him with all the love and acceptance you can muster. You can try to see if you can get him interested in any activities at all. I'm sure you've tried that already, but try activities you haven't tried before. Tell him you want to do activities because you want to be with him, because you love him. When he watches TV, watch with him, and try to talk to him about what you watch together.

Hope this helps.

[Anonymous]

Colic doesn't have anything to do with emotions.

You're taking the right steps. It might be slow going. Hang in there.

[Anonymous]

I recommend play therapy.

[Anonymous]

Oh my, I teared up reading this. My first was a highly sensitive child who cried hard and long, but she did (and does) find joy in many things. I don't have any suggestions except for finding a top notch therapist for him and for you. Best of luck!!

[Anonymous]

Gosh, that is such a sad story OP and it sounds like you are doing the right thing with treatment.

One other aspect you should may want to consider is the gut-brain relationship. If you have Netflix, see if this documentary is available to watch: The Gut- Our Second Brain (55min). I would consider giving probiotics to your son - something like VSL #3 powder - you can get at Costco or other pharmacies. You may try some of the special diets out there like GAPS and see if there are food sensitivities.

Best wishes as you untangle how to deal with this and get your son help.

[Anonymous]

I don't have any suggestions either but wanted to say I'm so sorry you and your son are are going through this. It sounds like you are doing the right thing with your upcoming appointments.

[Anonymous]

Thanks all for your response. I truly appreciate them.

[Anonymous]

No advice here but sending you strength to help him. You are doing the right things.

[Anonymous]

Hugs, OP. My oldest (now 14) wasn't as bad as your DS but he, too, focuses on the negative rather than the positives. He also internalizes his emotions and if there's a way something can be interpreted as negative/bad, that's what he does. While he's not had a full blown depressive episode, he has demonstrated signs of depression for a couple weeks at a time and we expect at some point, he will. We've been working with a psychiatrist/psychologist for some time. You're on the right path - although I know it's really hard to wait.

When DS is overly negative, we require him to identify X number of positive/good things for every negative thing he says (X depends on his age, with your DS, I'd start with 3 things). We did this most frequently when he was in elementary school. When he came home, we would ask about their days. It wasn't enough for them to say 'it was good' or 'we didn't do anything'. They (all my kids) had to tell me something more. With my oldest, in early ES, it was hard to get him to say anything so I usually asked him 'who got in trouble today?' (not because I cared but that's something he always remembered). I went to lunch with him enough to learn the names of all of his classmates and I'd then ask him about them. Initially, we had to model some positive statements for him. At meals, we all had to say something we were grateful for. When your kid gets older, a 'gratitude journal' will likely be helpful. One of the issues we've had is that he can go to an activity, have a great time yet the next week (or day) he'll remember it very differently. So, we started having him do YouTube style reviews and recorded him. When he starts talking negative about it or resist doing it again, we'll replay it. Sometimes we'll do a 'pre-show' and an 'after show'. The pre-show is typically negative. The after-show isn't. It's also helpful to help us all learn just want he likes, doesn't like.

Keep your DS physically active. Exercise improves mood. We got a dog when DS was 8 and it's his job to walk it twice a day. When he got a little older, we started fostering dogs. Being able to 'help' the dogs has helped him. The dogs can need a lot of work and I think he could relate to some of their negative behaviors and better understand how his own negative behaviors are seen by others. Now, I'm not expecting you to start doing that (it's a lot of work and your DS is much too young) but we've also gone to the shelter on a regular basis to read to the cats, play with them, etc. Being able to help others has made a difference for him and with animals, you don't have to worry about 'judgment'.

HTH. Good luck. I know how troubling these behaviors are. Hugs.

[Anonymous]

Hi, op. I have a son with a lot of similarities. Well some differences... He was independent, strong-willed, etc as a baby and toddler but very happy. Around 3 he started to get more difficult: about transitions, about being asked to do anything--I really mean anything--about food, about noise, about crowds and people... You name it. He became more self absorbed and could really retreat into his own wonderful little mind in a way that was scary to me. Four was even worse.

We started seeing a therapist at age four. She diagnosed him with generalized anxiety and started doing play therapy with him. She was a HUGE help, huge. For a while I saw her every week myself as well, and then once a month though my son continued to see her every week. We saw her for four years.

Eventually he was also diagnosed with adhd. And it turns out he has some LDs, too. It was pretty hard to see these coming, to be honest, because he was so bright and articulate and generally precocious. But I think he was really suffering in a world that didn't quite make sense... Where his brain might be very quick with concepts but very slow with execution. And four seemed to be the age when he developed more awareness about himself and his place in the world. I think my kid really was depressed.

Some of these kids are like a "perfect storm" for emotional trouble. I think my kid is already a huge introvert and very intense--these are parts of his personality, neither good nor bad, nothing I would ever try to change. But when you add a tendency toward anxiety, the attention issues, the LDs, and the disappointment with himself because he is constantly not meeting his own expectations, it's a disaster.

I want tell you that my son at age 12 is still a bit of a glass-half-empty guys at times but more generally a happy person with a lot of friends, confidence, and a eat sense that he is good at a lot of things. I feel like the therapist was a life saver. We also used anxiety medication for a while when he really needed it. And we have tried absolutely everything from diet, to yoga, to OT, to neurofeedback, to martial arts, etc etc. i think they are all worth trying if you have the time and money but I think the most important things for him were: establishing a very clear, simple lifestyle and routine that included regular play dates with the same set of kids; sticking with an activity that he liked to the point where now, with a lot of work and dedication more than natural talent, he has a lot of skill and confidence in his abilities; finding the right school setting. I would say therapy was the most important part for us as parents--and it was crucial that the therapist know him well for her to work with us--and also a noticeable difference maker for him.

Good luck, op. I feel for you and think I understand what you are going through. I was so, so worried about my child at that age and now, really I couldn't be prouder of him.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I can't thank you enough for sharing your experience. It just feels so good to read these things and feel like we're finally on a path to helping him. We are going to start trying these things as we move forward with his therapy and recommendations, but I just want to say how much it has helped to hear similar circumstances. Thank you.

[Anonymous]

Your post also made me tear up!
How old is your son? He sounds very much like my 14 year old, and my advice varies according to his age.

For now know that it will get better! Hugs

[Anonymous]

Darn it. I clearly see his age in the title. Sorry!

Is he reading yet? That was the turning point for my son. Once he began to read he found an outlet for his stress. Reading gave him a focus outside of every day life. I'm more than a bit concerned that his doctor told you to take away his legos. If legos is his escape, I don't see there benefit of taking it away unless there is a plan to give him a new mental release.

My son is also the middle child. His personality along with having an older and younger sibling made it easier for him to withdraw. We had to carve out specific one on one time with him, doing things that he was interested in. Every week he needed a set, scheduled time for him. Since he likes legos maybe go to the lego store or find a lego group. My son hated groups, but if he was focused on his activity (reading or story time) he focused on the activity and not the group.

The way we spoke to him mattered! We found he responded to direct, calm and even voice control. Anything too "babyish" or too mean and we would lose his focus before we got our message out.

Schedule- He need a strict schedule, with leeway. Being one of three kids we can't schedule everything around his preferences. He did respond well to a time frame, written down. Example- lunch is between 11:30 and 1pm. But bedtime is always at 8:30pm. You'd better believe he would be disappointed if lunch was late. He wasn't a huge brat, and didn't respond in anger if we missed a scheduled activity, but he was disappointed, withdrawn, and a bit depressed.

We gave expectations, but set the bar low. He needed to know the general plan of the day, but by aiming low we provided opportunities for him to be happily surprised rather than settling him up for disappointment. Of course not everyday is a home run. Expect this basic schedule that we try to hit 80% of the time. When we did under achieve, he gently reminded about the great times, and the good (schedule achieved) times.

We talk a lot! Even when, or especially when he is in a down mode. If he looks disinterested, or sad, I still communicated with him (and the other two kids) because he was always listening even when he looked lost in his own thoughts.

Back to reading. For my son it is was key. When he needed time alone to regroup, he turned to books. If he was overwhelmed, I read aloud to all three kids. It calmed him and took his mind away from his troubles. Again I'd let your son play with legos, and I'd play with him. That's the key to getting him to open up about all of the wonderful and scary, or sad thoughts he has on his mind.

Finally, make sure his sleep and eating schedule is set in stone. Both have huge impacts on my son's personality and emotions. Once you find how to get underneath that outer layer you will form a new and deeper relationship.

Sorry for any typos.

All the best.

[Anonymous]

This is 19:18 and I TOTALLY agree with not taking away the legos. I can't think of anything more cruel. One of the key lessons I learned through play therapy was to use special interests (legos, or super heroes, or anything) to stretch my child a bit (whether it be socially or even just in taking input from others). But it is also essential for a child to have joy and happiness--especially ours!!! Please don't take away the child's source of fun. Join him! Look up Floor Time for some ideas. I have to say, our therapist never once suggested anything like removal and, trust me, our kid also used favorite things to withdraw.