Need some guidance on my 4 year old who seems depressed

[Anonymous]

This is PP again. I read a ton of books and all helped in some way. One that I loved because it helped me both understand my child better and gain some practical steps was Stanley Greenspan's "The Challenging Child." Greenspan writes from a very compassionate, understand-your-child, point of view, which was very important to me.

[Anonymous]

I have a somewhat similar child. One bad thing (like not being first in line at school, or not having the right kind of pretzels in his lunch box) triggers a "bad" day, even though 99% was good.

I will add that taking a parenting class really helped. While your child will be in therapy, it will be just as important for you to learn strategies to help your child, to talk to him about his feelings and to learn how to handle his moods.

Many people recommend Dr. Dan Shapiro.

[Anonymous]

PANDAS?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Gosh, that is such a sad story OP and it sounds like you are doing the right thing with treatment.

One other aspect you should may want to consider is the gut-brain relationship. If you have Netflix, see if this documentary is available to watch: The Gut- Our Second Brain (55min). I would consider giving probiotics to your son - something like VSL #3 powder - you can get at Costco or other pharmacies. You may try some of the special diets out there like GAPS and see if there are food sensitivities.

Best wishes as you untangle how to deal with this and get your son help.

If you want to consider this kind of approach (and I would, because what's the harm? And I've changed my own health for the better with some dietary changes.) I'd do it more systematically and consult someone like the woman who wrote "What's Eating your Child?" I think she has a practice in Virginia. The book is full of stories about emotional issues (often anger) that were resolved with a nutritional approach. Googled it for you...
http://kellydorfman.com/nutrition-consultations/

[Anonymous]

I would check for social and general anxiety. Do not punish him, I think that would only make it worse.

[Anonymous]

OP here, and I just went and looked this back and up and really appreciate the responses. Particularly about the removing the legos. It just broke him. So we brought them back, thinking the doc wasn't the psych and we'd wait for the psych's recommendations next week. I was so relieved to see so many who were confirming our instincts.

It's been such a relief to hear your responses. I really wish I could meet some of you in person (particularly the PP with the 14 year old!) because I just feel like I have so much to learn.

I just bought a couple books recommended on here, as well as the Whole Brain Child, that was recommended to me by our psychiatrist.

I just want to thank you all again, so much.

[Anonymous]

What did the dr recommend taking away Legos ?

[Anonymous]

Has he had a thorough medical assessment? Make sure his thyroid and various other hormone related systems are working.

[Anonymous]

A few thoughts.

It does sound like it could be anxiety induced. Our daughter who has anxiety can also focus overly on the negative in this way. I joke that at some point she'll be a very good editor, quality control expert, etc. She'll find the flaw in anything. There is a need in life for people that can be critical, so remind yourself that it is a useful skill and just needs to be modulated. (Hard when you're the one being criticized, which I often am!) For anxiety, it helps to have clear expectations and schedules so the child knows what is coming, what the range of possibilities are, and to talk through potential scenarios and solutions. Our therapist also said that we should focus on saying five positive things for every negative thing we say to her.

You might want to try the book "What to Do When you Grumble too much." That might be a little old, but if you look at that on amazon, you might get some good ideas if you also look at the "people who viewed this bought..." list. I often find great resources that way.

Finally, I'm not a big proponent of the major diet adjustments (eg Feingold). I think they only work for a very small subset of kids. That said, consistent nutrition is incredibly helpful. I don't know if you ever saw the movie SuperSize Me, but one of the guy's main observations is that when he ate McDonald's for a month, he was in a terrible mood -- very irritable and depressed. There's a fair amount of science that fish oil or omegas helps with mood, so we do fish oil supplements (not at an extreme level -- I think that's dangerous -- just the regular dosage). Also make sure that he's not anemic. I know from personal experience that if my iron levels are low I am pissed off by EVERYTHING. Have the doctor tell you the actual levels and treat it if he's within the "low borderline" range -- the doctors will only diagnose anemia if the iron is extremely low, but from my experience it has a definite effect on mood well before it hits the "clinical" diagnostic level.

[Anonymous]

One thing to consider is a relatively new diagnosis in the DSM: DMDD

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/your-child-does-not-have-bipolar-disorder/201311/irritable-children-0

Hugs!

[Anonymous]

So sorry your son is going through this. You sound like a great parent. I would suggest a special pet that he picks out. A cuddly dog or cat can make any day a happy day for a kid. They are great listeners. Make sure he knows the animal is his. I had a wonderful dog who got me through a very difficult childhood.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PANDAS?

This crossed my mind, too. Any OCD symptoms? Though it sounds like this was more of a gradual, rather than sudden onset.

[Anonymous]

You are a wonderful parent, OP - that is clear. Best of luck to you and your boy.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I want to say again what a source of help this thread has been to me. I wanted to give an update and just respond to some of the newer posts.

First, my son just had his first play therapy session. After we met with the doc, she referred us to a psychiatrist in a practice equipped to deal with younger children, who referred us to a play therapist in her practice who specializes in younger children. We had an eval with her, and yesterday was his first full on session with her. He seemed to do well. In two more play sessions, the third will be with just the parents, and we'll talk about what she's seeing and get some guidance on how to best parent him. We also got a lab order and will be taking him into get blood drawn to rule out something outside of his little brain. He's FREAKING out about that.

I wanted to specifically thank you all for mentioning the Legos issue. I specifically brought that up with them, and they agreed with you all that pulling legos from him was NOT helpful, so we've returned them, but we limit how much time he can play alone. He has to let us join, or his brother, or SOMEONE after a certain period of time. We also are bringing Legos with us to use as reward systems for participation.

Things are still consistently bad so I'm so glad we're on this path. Just this morning in the car he said that he didn't like life and wished it would go away. He says things like that daily.

I'll certainly get the Grumble book mentioned here, so thanks for that. Also, regarding supplements, he's gets a very high quality vitamin and fish oil every morning. Unfortunately it doesn't help. But it is important because he frequently does not want to eat what is offered, and we don't force him.

Finally, I haven't seen any OCD behaviors. I will watch him more closely though, and thanks for that. In terms of PANDAS... I don't think so, but he certainly has had strep.

Anyway, it's hard not to feel like a failure. I'm trying to feel optimistic and I'm excited to learn all I can about how to parent him better, but right now, to be honest, I feel like we just need to keep him afloat until he is old enough to get medication. I hope I'm pleasantly surprised though and we see changes through therapy. It's just so extreme. But truly, thank you all so much again.