We have a great logistical and financial marriage, but no affection. Worth it or not?
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Anonymous
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My husband and I have been married for almost 3 years. We've been together for 8, but had a long time dating and a long engagement. When we first got engaged, things were good, we just moved to DC, and we were excited to start a new chapter in our lives. Since then (about 5 years ago) all romanticism and affection have stopped. We're have countless talks about it - love languages, needs, working towards goals, but nothing stuck. Right now we're in what I would call a warm, semi-sexual (once every 2-3 weeks, that's on both of us) roommate situation. We get along so well. He's my best friend. We laugh, have hobbies, on the same page about financials, careers, family life. We travel well, we treat each other with respect and see each other as equals. But there is no gentle touch, kissing, affection, or intimacy. I like to think of it as why people got married before the age of "love", he's a good man, we treat each other well, but we sleep in separate beds and aren't lovey at all.
Husband chalks it up to his upbringing. He was never hugged or anything as a kid. My family has the hugging, kissing, emotional connection that I crave. But is that worth it to give up what I have? I feel like I'd be making a big mistake and setting myself back at the chance of an intimate relationship. Is this all there is? |
Anonymous
| Did you ever have the leavel of affection you think you want? And I don't mean the first month of dating or whatever. With the time line it reads like the affection left 5 years ago but you got married 3 years ago. Why? Do you want more intimacy? Does he? Nothing wrong with staying where you are with him if you are ok with it and he is. Could be two low drive people. But if you want more or if he wants more and you two can't find a way to that then that'll be a problem. |
Anonymous
OP here: we did for the first 3ish years. I knew the affection was tapering, but I truly didn't think it would get to this level. I want more intimacy, but I also realize I have a good thing going and I don't want to mess it up for the sake of holding hands and kisses and calling to say "I love you." We're both ok with the amount of actual sex, but it would be nice for him to treat me like he did before. I try with him, I will touch his hand or try to hug him by it largely annoys him. I don't do very much of that any more. I guess my question is: if someone did stay in this kind of marriage, did it turn out okay? |
Anonymous
| You don't have kids? You want kids? Most women become horrified by anyone touching them for years after the kids arrive. You may be relieved to be married to a low drive man. Seriously, think about it. |
Anonymous
No kids, and can't have any (don't want any either for that matter). We are both low drive and so that's another plus for staying with him in my book... I think I would resent him if he was constantly asking for sex but not wanting to give anything else physical into the relationship. I operate with the mindset that if someone were to come along who was exactly like him in every way, but also had the affection piece, I would leave my husband for him. I don't know how realistic that is or if thinking that way means I should just get divorced now. I don't really want to get a divorce, the other 90% or so of my life is pretty good. |
Anonymous
| The grass won't be greener on the other side for you...a low drive woman who doesn't want kids and would toss aside her husband for someone in a heartbeat. Be glad you landed a husband in the first place. If you leave, I think you will end up alone. Truly. |
Anonymous
| Get an affectionate dog. |
Anonymous
| Given all that you are getting from your current marriage I don't think you should leave your husband. No one will be 100% perfectly what you want. I think in your case there are so many more pros than cons. And I say this as a woman that had an affair due to lack of affection/ physical and emotional intimacy. I ended up getting all of the affection and intimacy I could ask for in a life time. In fact it was the best sex of my life. It was like a drug...BUT the man I cheated with was deeply flawed and lacked in other areas. My vote is for you to stay where you are. Don't ruin a good thing for a fantasy. |
Anonymous
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Why separate beds? I get that he's not into hugging/kissing--lots of people grow up that way. But whose idea were the separate beds? Do you sleep in separate rooms?
Were either of you strongly attracted to previous gfs/bfs? |
Anonymous
OP here: thank you. I've been toying with this idea of getting the affection piece outside the marriage, but given the chances that it could blow up in my face, I couldnt do it. I'm too risk averse. Did you stay with your original husband? Did you divorce? Thank you sincerely for your response! |
Anonymous
| A woman like you needs to do it to it on a regular basis. You'll only become more miserable with this guy. |
Anonymous
Separate beds because we sleep 100% opposite. I'm a night own who has to sleep cool and silent, he's a morning person who likes warmth and fans. It was more for physical comfort and sleep quality, but I can't help but think it's another symptom of our marriage being less about companionship and more about a configuration that benefits us both. As for bf/gf, I dated around a lot, he didn't. We both viewed dating as an obstacle and not very fun. We're both very particular and introverted. |
Anonymous
| Wow. Every two to three weeks seems pretty regular, especially considering all the other positives in your relationship. I'd give it about another ten or fifteen years before I would consider leaving him or cheating on him. |
Anonymous
| From your own words, you are very particular, introverted, low drive and prefer to sleep alone AND you don't enjoy dating. How on earth are you even contemplating tossing your husband aside? |
Anonymous
| Get an affectionate pet. |