We have a great logistical and financial marriage, but no affection. Worth it or not?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Given all that you are getting from your current marriage I don't think you should leave your husband. No one will be 100% perfectly what you want. I think in your case there are so many more pros than cons. And I say this as a woman that had an affair due to lack of affection/ physical and emotional intimacy. I ended up getting all of the affection and intimacy I could ask for in a life time. In fact it was the best sex of my life. It was like a drug...BUT the man I cheated with was deeply flawed and lacked in other areas. My vote is for you to stay where you are. Don't ruin a good thing for a fantasy.

OP here: thank you. I've been toying with this idea of getting the affection piece outside the marriage, but given the chances that it could blow up in my face, I couldnt do it. I'm too risk averse.

Did you stay with your original husband? Did you divorce? Thank you sincerely for your response!

We ended up separating for 5 months. He moved out into an apartment and I stayed in the house with the kids. I ultimately couldn't afford the upkeep of the house as a single mom and had to move out. I ended up moving into his apartment and we are currently reconciled and still in the apartment.

There is still no affection/ emotional intimacy however we do have sex. It is very robotic. We just argued the other night about it actually and he got upset when I explained that I don't like our sex. Ive tried explaining to him what I need from him sexually but he is very selfish and it's mostly about him. I was so upset during our conversation that I told him that I can't make him want to make love to me.

Each day here is torture because I am still in love with the other man. I crave daily all of the affection he showered me with...the hugs ( which made me completely melt into his arms), gazing into each others eyes, daily affirmations of love " I love you etc", the forehead kisses, the way he brushed his hand across my cheek, the way he was completely wrapped up in me, the way he made love, the way he gave oral (multiple times during one session) , the way he always grabbed for my hand when we walked along side each other, the way he gave me back and foot massages after a long day of work, the way he catered to my every whim, there is so much more to tell but you get the point. This is exactly the type of affection I had always wanted / needed however this man that I love is deeply flawed in other ways.

So I'm back in this affectionless situation and my life is not nearly as good as yours. We are struggling financially, we are completely detached, we don't really talk unless it's about the kids. We resent each other. Trust me I know what it feels like to be starved of affection and intimacy...I have been doing it for 11 years ( minus our 5 mo. Steparation). It seems like you've got a really good set up and if I were you I wouldn't be so quick to throw that away by leaving your husband. I also wouldn't suggest stepping outside of your marriage as you will probably end up falling head over heels in love with the new man showering you with all this attention and affection. I assure you however that he will be defective in other ways. It's like trading one set of problems for another.

[Anonymous]

You sound pretty well matched and I wouldn't throw that away. I second getting a dog. A dog will never turn down affection.

[Anonymous]

I have about had it waiting for the affection and intimacy to return. And there has been nothing done for that to cease save their own issues and selfishness. Vacations together, that should have time and energy for some affection and romance, are over since it is almost torturous being so close and nothing. The last vacation was their agenda and needs.

[Anonymous]

You really need to move on. You said it yourself, it's not a marriage you're living with your best friend as room mates. I bet you can divorce him and you will remain great friends.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like you have a better marriage than most, seriously, OP.

Stick with it, and love may come back again. Don't force it, be natural with each other.

[Anonymous]

Wow, OP, I wish we could meet up and vent to each other because my relationship with DH is identical to what you described. (Literally the only difference is that I prefer a white noise machine and he prefers silence!) I am unfulfilled on a daily basis, yet I know I'm probably taking a lot for granted, and also I just can't imagine hurting him and abandoning him by leaving. Because we're both so particular, I know it's unlikely he'd find anyone else. And I'd honestly miss his friendship because there's no way to maintain that closeness with an ex. But...aching for affection.

[Anonymous]

You sound like a perfect candidate for individual counseling OP.

Speak to a licensed professional & see what their perspective may be.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I have been married for almost 3 years. We've been together for 8, but had a long time dating and a long engagement. When we first got engaged, things were good, we just moved to DC, and we were excited to start a new chapter in our lives. Since then (about 5 years ago) all romanticism and affection have stopped. We're have countless talks about it - love languages, needs, working towards goals, but nothing stuck. Right now we're in what I would call a warm, semi-sexual (once every 2-3 weeks, that's on both of us) roommate situation. We get along so well. He's my best friend. We laugh, have hobbies, on the same page about financials, careers, family life. We travel well, we treat each other with respect and see each other as equals. But there is no gentle touch, kissing, affection, or intimacy. I like to think of it as why people got married before the age of "love", he's a good man, we treat each other well, but we sleep in separate beds and aren't lovey at all.

Husband chalks it up to his upbringing. He was never hugged or anything as a kid. My family has the hugging, kissing, emotional connection that I crave. But is that worth it to give up what I have? I feel like I'd be making a big mistake and setting myself back at the chance of an intimate relationship. Is this all there is?

Say what now?

Since no one else has noticed this little nugget- That's the problem right there.

[Anonymous]

I think you are both strange, particular people and are lucky to have found each other. Appreciate what you have.

[Anonymous]

Is HE in love with you?

[Anonymous]

I can guess the answer - but is it possible you could ask for an open marriage? It sounds like you are very content in your relationship but you might throw that aside for want of that spark - but every person on this board can tell you that the spark is amazing, but doesn't necessarily mean you'll have a happy life with a person.

Do you think your husband would be open to the possibility that you could go get that spark elsewhere - on some mutually agreed upon terms - while you two remain in your stable and (it sounds like!) happy companionate marriage?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I have been married for almost 3 years. We've been together for 8, but had a long time dating and a long engagement. When we first got engaged, things were good, we just moved to DC, and we were excited to start a new chapter in our lives. Since then (about 5 years ago) all romanticism and affection have stopped. We're have countless talks about it - love languages, needs, working towards goals, but nothing stuck. Right now we're in what I would call a warm, semi-sexual (once every 2-3 weeks, that's on both of us) roommate situation. We get along so well. He's my best friend. We laugh, have hobbies, on the same page about financials, careers, family life. We travel well, we treat each other with respect and see each other as equals. But there is no gentle touch, kissing, affection, or intimacy. I like to think of it as why people got married before the age of "love", he's a good man, we treat each other well, but we sleep in separate beds and aren't lovey at all.

Husband chalks it up to his upbringing. He was never hugged or anything as a kid. My family has the hugging, kissing, emotional connection that I crave. But is that worth it to give up what I have? I feel like I'd be making a big mistake and setting myself back at the chance of an intimate relationship. Is this all there is?

Say what now?

Since no one else has noticed this little nugget- That's the problem right there.

See 20:35 and 20:41 on the prior page.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you are both strange, particular people and are lucky to have found each other. Appreciate what you have.

+1. I'm single. I don't recommend it.

[Anonymous]

That's what I have. I will not get divorced. I get affection from other sources.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I have been married for almost 3 years. We've been together for 8, but had a long time dating and a long engagement. When we first got engaged, things were good, we just moved to DC, and we were excited to start a new chapter in our lives. Since then (about 5 years ago) all romanticism and affection have stopped. We're have countless talks about it - love languages, needs, working towards goals, but nothing stuck. Right now we're in what I would call a warm, semi-sexual (once every 2-3 weeks, that's on both of us) roommate situation. We get along so well. He's my best friend. We laugh, have hobbies, on the same page about financials, careers, family life. We travel well, we treat each other with respect and see each other as equals. But there is no gentle touch, kissing, affection, or intimacy. I like to think of it as why people got married before the age of "love", he's a good man, we treat each other well, but we sleep in separate beds and aren't lovey at all.

Husband chalks it up to his upbringing. He was never hugged or anything as a kid. My family has the hugging, kissing, emotional connection that I crave. But is that worth it to give up what I have? I feel like I'd be making a big mistake and setting myself back at the chance of an intimate relationship. Is this all there is?

Did you marry him thinking you could live without affection?