We have a great logistical and financial marriage, but no affection. Worth it or not?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:From your own words, you are very particular, introverted, low drive and prefer to sleep alone AND you don't enjoy dating. How on earth are you even contemplating tossing your husband aside?

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:From your own words, you are very particular, introverted, low drive and prefer to sleep alone AND you don't enjoy dating. How on earth are you even contemplating tossing your husband aside?

This.

Exactly!
I was married to a woman just like OP.
That's why we aren't married.
Why now would I date THAT ?

[Anonymous]

My good friend divorced a guy like that. She didn't have to work because he made a great income. He either had ED or just wasn't interested in sex or wasn't attracted to her. We never figured it out. I told her she was crazy that most would die for a marriage like hers. She ended up meeting a guy that was really into sex so she left her husband and was this guy for about a year. About 8 mo later she was calling me saying she made a big mistake and was going to try and get back with her husband. I asked about the great sex and she said that got OLD real quick, LOL

I would say if 75-80% is good in a marriage that's the indication you stay. I felt really bad for her because she destroyed her life and he refused to go back with her after finding out about the bf. Sad story.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Sounds like you have a better marriage than most, seriously, OP.

Stick with it, and love may come back again. Don't force it, be natural with each other.

+1 This.

She has a great marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I have been married for almost 3 years. We've been together for 8, but had a long time dating and a long engagement. When we first got engaged, things were good, we just moved to DC, and we were excited to start a new chapter in our lives. Since then (about 5 years ago) all romanticism and affection have stopped. We're have countless talks about it - love languages, needs, working towards goals, but nothing stuck. Right now we're in what I would call a warm, semi-sexual (once every 2-3 weeks, that's on both of us) roommate situation. We get along so well. He's my best friend. We laugh, have hobbies, on the same page about financials, careers, family life. We travel well, we treat each other with respect and see each other as equals. But there is no gentle touch, kissing, affection, or intimacy. I like to think of it as why people got married before the age of "love", he's a good man, we treat each other well, but we sleep in separate beds and aren't lovey at all.

Husband chalks it up to his upbringing. He was never hugged or anything as a kid. My family has the hugging, kissing, emotional connection that I crave. But is that worth it to give up what I have? I feel like I'd be making a big mistake and setting myself back at the chance of an intimate relationship. Is this all there is?

uh no.

Get out now while you still can. You are going to waste your one life on a loveless marriage? Not a good idea.

[Anonymous]

Stay. Worth it. My marriage is pretty similar to yours at times....it helps if I focus on reconnecting. Do little things for him out of the blue, go out to dinner, go on walks holding hands. I think we just get so busy and the squeaky wheel gets the oil -- and since neither of us is very squeaky, we forget to do "maintenance" to keep the marriage up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You don't have kids? You want kids? Most women become horrified by anyone touching them for years after the kids arrive. You may be relieved to be married to a low drive man. Seriously, think about it.

No kids, and can't have any (don't want any either for that matter). We are both low drive and so that's another plus for staying with him in my book... I think I would resent him if he was constantly asking for sex but not wanting to give anything else physical into the relationship.

I operate with the mindset that if someone were to come along who was exactly like him in every way, but also had the affection piece, I would leave my husband for him. I don't know how realistic that is or if thinking that way means I should just get divorced now. I don't really want to get a divorce, the other 90% or so of my life is pretty good.

Yes it is realistic and YES you should get divorced now in order to find it!

Do you honestly believe most married couples stay together out of inertia rather than true affection? Most happily married couples LOVE each other! You are choosing to waste your one life on something blah. I don't get it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:From your own words, you are very particular, introverted, low drive and prefer to sleep alone AND you don't enjoy dating. How on earth are you even contemplating tossing your husband aside?

Um, probably because like any human being she wants to feel and receive love???

What is wrong with the people posting in this thread? lol

[Anonymous]

Hmm. You know, I honestly suspect a lot of women who think they are "low drive" just aren't having great sex.

Perhaps if their lovers were more generous in bed and they were having mind blowing orgasms on a regular basis, they would be more interested in sex.

Something to think about men. Most women can't get off on vanilla missionary alone.

[Anonymous]

OP, what do you mean by affection? Your marriage sounds very affectionate to me: "We get along so well. He's my best friend. We laugh, have hobbies, on the same page about financials, careers, family life. We travel well, we treat each other with respect and see each other as equals."

I don't have much advice to you, because chemistry wanes as years go by. One thing: Unless you want a divorce, stop with the countless talks about love languages and all that nonsense. If you are married to a man (as opposed to a gutless wonder), he'll get really sick and tired of this one day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, what do you mean by affection? Your marriage sounds very affectionate to me: "We get along so well. He's my best friend. We laugh, have hobbies, on the same page about financials, careers, family life. We travel well, we treat each other with respect and see each other as equals."

I don't have much advice to you, because chemistry wanes as years go by. One thing: Unless you want a divorce, stop with the countless talks about love languages and all that nonsense. If you are married to a man (as opposed to a gutless wonder), he'll get really sick and tired of this one day.

She means lovey dovey physical affection.

Neither of them has any desire to hug, hold hands, cuddle, or have sex apparently. They don't even sleep together.

They are roommates more than a married couple. A lot of people want more out of life than that and OP is one. Personally, I'm with her. I have a lot of friends. I don't need any more friends. I want a lover and great sex as well as a friend and partner in life. That is not too much to ask for.

[Anonymous]

OP stay. You would likely meet guys who are "more affectionate", but would encounter all kinds of other problems. I hear it every day from friends and acquaintances. "He spends too much money, I can't stand his kids or family, he calls his ex behind my back. He's cheated on me.." On and on the list goes.

If that's truly how your marriage is you have it pretty good. I would talk to him about working on the affection part to increase that. Doesn't matter what his parents did because he's an adult. Keep in mind many on this thread are miserable and will never find a good relationship like yours...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP stay. You would likely meet guys who are "more affectionate", but would encounter all kinds of other problems. I hear it every day from friends and acquaintances. "He spends too much money, I can't stand his kids or family, he calls his ex behind my back. He's cheated on me.." On and on the list goes.

If that's truly how your marriage is you have it pretty good. I would talk to him about working on the affection part to increase that. Doesn't matter what his parents did because he's an adult. Keep in mind many on this thread are miserable and will never find a good relationship like yours...

NP. Come on, you must know it doesn't really work like that. You either have chemistry and WANT to touch each other or you don't. They don't. You can't add chemistry in like a recipe.

You have to have a spark in order to have physical affection. If it's not there, it's not there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hmm. You know, I honestly suspect a lot of women who think they are "low drive" just aren't having great sex.

Perhaps if their lovers were more generous in bed and they were having mind blowing orgasms on a regular basis, they would be more interested in sex.

Something to think about men. Most women can't get off on vanilla missionary alone.

You know, I honestly suspect a lot of women who think they aren't having great sex, are actually just "low drive".
Once the "new relationship energy" wears off, they predictably lose all interest in the very same guy who once totally lit her fire.
Something to think about. Most men can't keep any woman interested beyond her fleeting NRE stage.

[Anonymous]

This is life. Limerence fades. I think the general advice is to do new things together. Other than that, have kids to distract yourselves. Hah.