Dealing with Social Exclusion
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Anonymous
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My 7th grade DD attends a small school - there are 11 girls in her grade, divided into 2 classes. A couple of months before school ended last year, my DD began to be excluded by the other girls. I sensed that there was something going on at the time, but for the most part DD always said that things were fine.
DD hoped that things would be different after the summer break, but the situation at school - now 8 days in - is worse than ever. The girls in her grade completely ignore her. She spends lunch and break time alone. Her class has 5 girls, so when they do something with partners, she is always the odd one out. She says that she has overheard kids from other grades talking and laughing about the fact that she has no friends. I thought that maybe she could be exaggerating, but teachers have taken notice of the situation and reached out to try to help. I am just heartbroken for her and at a loss about what to do. I have an appointment with the guidance counselor on Thursday. Would it be wrong to let DD stay home from school until I have been able to meet with the counselor? Maybe I need to try to get in to see her tomorrow? What else can I do? I obviously talk with her every night, trying to reinforce self-confidence, but she is just destroyed and I don't blame her. She is going to be starting a couple of new activities soon, so I am praying that she will get connected with some other kids, but that won't help her get through the school day. Should I try to reach out to a couple of the other Moms? We were new to the school last year and I got to know a couple of them a bit when the girls were all friends, but I can't really say that they are friends of mine. I am not even sure what I would say. I think that most of the girls are nice kids and it is my sense that it is one girl - or maybe two - that are controlling everybody else. But would the Moms want to know? Anyway, today I am mostly trying to figure out whether to make her go to school tomorrow. She obviously does not want to and I don't blame her. What is the right message - that she needs - with our support - to figure out how to persevere? Or that she shouldn't have to be in that situation until we figure out a solution? |
Anonymous
| Have you looked into other schools? Sounds very small and sometimes those environments are hard not only at that age but also being the new kid. The fact that teachers are noticing and nothing is being done leads me to believe the school isn't the best environment for your child. |
Anonymous
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I would get an appointment with the counselor asap - perhaps even bring up the beginning of "school refusal" to let them know how serious this is.
As for lunch, can she sit with kids from other grades? What about joining a club and befriending an 8th grader or 6th grader? Partner work should paired up by the teacher(s) and not dictated by the students. Sorry OP. This is one draw-back of a small school. My DD was in a 6-12 th grade school of about 425 kids. Her grade was 48 kids 60/40 girls boys. SHe decided to leave after 9th grade and will be at a 2000 kid public school. WIsh her (and me) luck! |
Anonymous
This will be something that we explore, though we are in an international setting and the options are somewhat limited. The guidance counselor reached out to me to set up the meeting and a few teachers have tried to help DD directly, so I do think that the school is trying to help - I am just not sure what they can do. |
Anonymous
Thank you for these suggestions. I have also suggested that she try to make connections with kids from other grades - her brother is in 8th grade - but I guess that the environment in the school is that the kids stick with their own grades. And to be honest, she is humiliated and not really ready to 'put herself out there'. I have also suggested to her that maybe we can try to get her set up with some kind of special'project' that would occupy her during free time, but she hasn't taken to the idea. She is a great student academically, so this seems feasible, but no luck yet. I agree about teachers pairing up the students - this is on my list of items to bring up with the school. Hope that your DD enjoys her new school! |
Anonymous
| is your child an expat and the other children local? |
Anonymous
It is an international school with a mix of expats and local, so she is not the only expat. |
Anonymous
| I would look at other schools if you can. |
Anonymous
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OP, this happened to me in seventh grade -- but halfway through the year, not at the beginning. Your poor DD!
I tried to put a happy face on it for my parents, just like your daughter is doing. The best thing my parents ever did was pull me from that school at the end of the year -- despite my protests! So weird, looking back -- I guess I had Stockholm Syndrome or something, because I really didn't want to leave. For ages I thought they had pulled me from that school because of finances (I moved from private to public). Only recently did I find out that they'd known what was going on (I guess teachers told them at conferences), and they pulled me to spare me the bullying. I had a wonderful eighth grade year. Made tons of friends, some of which are still in my life. I'm so grateful to them in retrospect. Nothing good comes of bullying, and although my experience with it was brief, it did haunt me for many years afterward, and probably shaped my behavior in ways I can't even trace. In short, I strongly recommend that you REMOVE your daughter from the school. |
Anonymous
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So sorry to hear this.
I would try to find another school for your daughter. |
Anonymous
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Please, please, please pull her out of that school and put her somewhere with larger class sizes. Public would be ideal but if you can find a private with at least 50 girls in the grade that might work.
This happened to my sister areound that age at a small Catholic school with about the same number of girls in the grade (6-7). It literally scarred her for life. She is a beautiful, accomplished, talented, intelligent 40 something year old woman and that year of bullying has tainted every single relationship and social interaction in her life and still does. Do not leave your daughter in this school a minute longer. This kind of bullying will change her forever and literally ruin her life. |
Anonymous
Online homeschool until you can find a better school. |
Anonymous
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Oh gosh, OP I'm so sorry. This happened to me as the new girl in 8th grade at a tiny private school. It was absolutely merciless. My parents pulled me out and let me homeschool until the next year when I got a fresh start at a public high school. Middle school girls can be terrible. And teachers often do a horrible job of handling mean girls.
In my case, they had the guidance counselor meet with all the girls while I was out of the room to make a list of what they didn't like about me. Then they called me back in to see the list so that I could know how to "improve myself" to prevent the bullying. That was the day my parents pulled me out. |
Anonymous
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I would go to the meeting with the guidance counselor with specific ideas. Maybe your student would be allowed to do something "cool" (think eat lunch in the classroom or outside or in the art room) and the teacher has one other student with her for this cool experience.
Have the teacher assign partners. Consider requesting assigned seats at the cafeteria table for now. This behavior of the other girls sounds like bullying! Teach your daughter some tricks to fake it until she can make it-- have a book with her or an art journal at lunch? Get her counseling. For whatever reason, kids who have been ostracized tend to end up in the same situation in a new school! |
Anonymous
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OP, I hope whatever else happens the school counselor gives feedback to the girls and their parents as appropriate. I would want to know if my daughter was acting like that.
I'm so sorry she is going through this. |