Personal Crisis in New Relationship

[Anonymous]

A few months ago, I met someone who had recently moved to town. We've ended up dating since and things had been going well. This person had not put a foot wrong towards me and we had been making some future plans. Everything was great. Then over the last couple of weeks, a series of events in this person's life have led to them essentially having a full-on crisis, culminating in an evening where some messages were exchanged that made me very concerned for this person's well being. After that day, this person very much shut down, and I was left completely in the dark about what exactly had happened (I was never told any real details about what was going on) and how this person was doing. I was finally able to get them to meet up to discuss a few days ago. They were surprisingly forthright and honest about the issues they were facing, which I appreciated given that it could not have been easy to let me in on some of these things.

At this point, this person is not in a good spot and is very much struggling, although seems to be a bit better after hibernating for a week. It seems as though I may be the only person that is aware of the issue, as they for some reason feel a strong sense of not wanting to burden anyone else with their problems. My questions is, what, if anything can I or should I do to help? They don't really know anyone here and have no base of support in the city and also feel this strong need to deal with this alone, which I hate. For me, my role here is complicated by the fact that we've only ever been in a dating relationship, not a situation where we were friends first. I don't know if I should consider this relationship over and leave them alone or if I should continue to check in occasionally to make sure they are ok. I'm not really concerned with the state of the relationship at this point, but I do care enough to want this person to be OK, don't want them to feel that they are alone, and want them to get help if they need/want it. I'm just not sure what, if anything, would be appropriate at this point.

[Anonymous]

Your post is long and cryptic. Either post details or a tl;dr version, it's hard to make out what you're saying or what you want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your post is long and cryptic. Either post details or a tl;dr version, it's hard to make out what you're saying or what you want.

agreed. just say what you mean OP and stop with all the non-gender-specific attempts.

[Anonymous]

This is OP. Sorry, but I've stated exactly what I mean. I don't feel comfortable sharing details in the case that this was ever seen, as it is incredibly personal, probably embarrassing, and the actual root of the problem isn't relevant to my question. Hope you can respect that, but understand if you can't. I will say that at the pinnacle of the problem, I was concerned they may be feeling suicidal, but I think those feels have passed.

Basically, when someone you've only been dating a few months and you don't exactly know really well has a crisis, what is the best response? Just leave them alone to deal with it in their own time? Do I check in on occasion to let them know they have support? I really don't know was is appropriate in this case.

[Anonymous]

Since the appropriate response is situtationally dependent, can't say.

GL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Since the appropriate response is situtationally dependent, can't say.

GL.

Agreed. It certainly seems like backing off completely isnt ideal if the person is willing to talk to you about it, but without more info there's nothing to say really. Death of someone close? Work crisis? Embarrassing info made public? Each of those would have different responses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. Sorry, but I've stated exactly what I mean. I don't feel comfortable sharing details in the case that this was ever seen, as it is incredibly personal, probably embarrassing, and the actual root of the problem isn't relevant to my question. Hope you can respect that, but understand if you can't. I will say that at the pinnacle of the problem, I was concerned they may be feeling suicidal, but I think those feels have passed.

Basically, when someone you've only been dating a few months and you don't exactly know really well has a crisis, what is the best response? Just leave them alone to deal with it in their own time? Do I check in on occasion to let them know they have support? I really don't know was is appropriate in this case.

Follow the person's lead as much as you can. Let them know you are there if they need, and then drop it. You can check in very occasionally/ periodically with a non judgemental check in ("hey - thinking of you") but expect no response. It's also not up to you to "hold" your relationship during this if it's not serious enough, and unless you want to.

Remember than drama follows some people, and decide if this is a true time of trouble, or a person who is in their usual drama.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My questions is, what, if anything can I or should I do to help? They don't really know anyone here and have no base of support in the city and also feel this strong need to deal with this alone, which I hate. For me, my role here is complicated by the fact that we've only ever been in a dating relationship, not a situation where we were friends first. I don't know if I should consider this relationship over and leave them alone or if I should continue to check in occasionally to make sure they are ok. I'm not really concerned with the state of the relationship at this point, but I do care enough to want this person to be OK, don't want them to feel that they are alone, and want them to get help if they need/want it. I'm just not sure what, if anything, would be appropriate at this point.

I think you should break up with this person but let them know that you are available if they want to talk. Continue to check on them occasionally unless they ask you not to.

[Anonymous]

If we are talking about mental illness then you should know that this will happen over and over again. Whether you are not married, married, or have children. Imagine this breakdown except they disappear from your home with children. I don't think you should break up but I would recommend emotionally detaching and if this person emerges again letting them know you are moving on.

[Anonymous]

Inquiring minds like to know, but I disagree with PPs about needing more details about the nature of the crisis. Yes, it makes a difference whether the trigger for the crisis was a hangnail or serious illness, a tiny personal slight or the death of someone close to this person. But the main issue is that this crisis has revealed to OP how this person responds to crises.

This person responds by "shutting down" and shutting people out. By not sharing this information close to the others in his or her life. This person responded in a way that made OP concerned for his or her well-being.

This will happen again and again. Even if there were totally legitimate stressors, his or her reaction has to be owned by that person. If the coping mechanisms are not healthy, that is HUGE.

OP, I'm sure you feel sorry for this person and want to be helpful. However, think very carefully whether you want this kind of situation in your life repeatedly. Don't be sucked in. You just had the great fortune of seeing this person in tough circumstances, which is a gift. If you are fully ok with out it went, great If not, disengage and walk away now. Better that you know now vs in 5 years.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks to all who were helpful. I'm not inclined to pursue a relationship with this person after this incident, however, I do understand that we all occasionally have a crisis moment and find ourselves in a certain amount of despair, so I'm trying to be understanding. My main concern at this point is how to be helpful, as I do care enough (even if just as a friend) to want to ensure this person is OK and does not feel alone and can get through this rough spot in the short term. Having had a few moments of crisis myself in the past, I would hate to think of having to get through it alone and not have friends if for distraction if nothing else.

Thanks again.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, I'd say something like, "It sounds like you need your space from being in a relationship. I'm sad, but I understand. I'm here as your friend if you need me - we could grab a bite next Tuesday if you need to talk." This person may disappear, but you've tried.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A few months ago, I met someone who had recently moved to town. We've ended up dating since and things had been going well. This person had not put a foot wrong towards me and we had been making some future plans. Everything was great. Then over the last couple of weeks, a series of events in this person's life have led to them essentially having a full-on crisis, culminating in an evening where some messages were exchanged that made me very concerned for this person's well being. After that day, this person very much shut down, and I was left completely in the dark about what exactly had happened (I was never told any real details about what was going on) and how this person was doing. I was finally able to get them to meet up to discuss a few days ago. They were surprisingly forthright and honest about the issues they were facing, which I appreciated given that it could not have been easy to let me in on some of these things.

At this point, this person is not in a good spot and is very much struggling, although seems to be a bit better after hibernating for a week. It seems as though I may be the only person that is aware of the issue, as they for some reason feel a strong sense of not wanting to burden anyone else with their problems. My questions is, what, if anything can I or should I do to help? They don't really know anyone here and have no base of support in the city and also feel this strong need to deal with this alone, which I hate. For me, my role here is complicated by the fact that we've only ever been in a dating relationship, not a situation where we were friends first. I don't know if I should consider this relationship over and leave them alone or if I should continue to check in occasionally to make sure they are ok. I'm not really concerned with the state of the relationship at this point, but I do care enough to want this person to be OK, don't want them to feel that they are alone, and want them to get help if they need/want it. I'm just not sure what, if anything, would be appropriate at this point.

They have been pretty obvious about how they want this handled. They pulled back, in order to deal with this alone. They don't want to bother others with their problems. IF they needed your support/help, they would say "I need your help".

Check in from time to time to make sure they are ok, but otherwise, let them deal w/their problem on their own time in their own manner. Whether you "hate" it or not, that is how they want to deal w/their problems.

[Anonymous]

I agree with the posters above that this person has set boundaries (or anyway, disappeared into dysfunction). Let him or her do that. I wouldn't chase or try to intervene. At most, you can let him or her know that you are there to talk if needed.

[Anonymous]

Hard to say not knowing the situation. Since you don't know this person is it possible they have a history of drama?

You need to give us something because it could be a million things.