Personal Crisis in New Relationship

[Anonymous]

Crisis = mother died, or car broke and needs a new transmission?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. Sorry, but I've stated exactly what I mean. I don't feel comfortable sharing details in the case that this was ever seen, as it is incredibly personal, probably embarrassing, and the actual root of the problem isn't relevant to my question. Hope you can respect that, but understand if you can't. I will say that at the pinnacle of the problem, I was concerned they may be feeling suicidal, but I think those feels have passed.

Basically, when someone you've only been dating a few months and you don't exactly know really well has a crisis, what is the best response? Just leave them alone to deal with it in their own time? Do I check in on occasion to let them know they have support? I really don't know was is appropriate in this case.

Not sure why some are finding this so difficult...nosy? Regardless, you seem like a very good person. It's understandable if you or he/she needs to back burner the romantic part of your relationship. That can place unnecessary stress on an issue. I understand that you only know this person as a romantic interest but with romance comes closeness and with closeness comes friendship. A couple months into this, you are likely friends as well. This person trusted you enough to confide in you and you cared enough to ask about these troubles and now want to help. My advice: be a friend. Be there for them, encourage positive solutions (counseling, etc, whatever may be appropriate) as long as you are comfortable doing it. Could it ruin any hope of future romance? Sure. But it could also grow your relationship. If at some point you feel uncomfortable or you feel the person doesn't want your involvement, that when the choice becomes more difficult. Good luck to you and your friend.

[Anonymous]

OP here. The crisis began career-related, questioning/dissatisfaction new job and has resulted in significant anxiety/upset/regret about past career decisions and future potential. This bit, which was more like a week of disappointment/minor depression, was compounded exponentially by an incredibly damaging way of dealing with that anxiety. All came crashing down one day, hence the scary messages. Now there is both the career anxiety and the damage from attempted distraction.

Apparently the depth of despair is a one-time, never happened before thing. The coping mechanism for dealing with the anxiety, however, has been an on going problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. Sorry, but I've stated exactly what I mean. I don't feel comfortable sharing details in the case that this was ever seen, as it is incredibly personal, probably embarrassing, and the actual root of the problem isn't relevant to my question. Hope you can respect that, but understand if you can't. I will say that at the pinnacle of the problem, I was concerned they may be feeling suicidal, but I think those feels have passed.

Basically, when someone you've only been dating a few months and you don't exactly know really well has a crisis, what is the best response? Just leave them alone to deal with it in their own time? Do I check in on occasion to let them know they have support? I really don't know was is appropriate in this case.

Not sure why some are finding this so difficult...nosy? Regardless, you seem like a very good person. It's understandable if you or he/she needs to back burner the romantic part of your relationship. That can place unnecessary stress on an issue. I understand that you only know this person as a romantic interest but with romance comes closeness and with closeness comes friendship. A couple months into this, you are likely friends as well. This person trusted you enough to confide in you and you cared enough to ask about these troubles and now want to help. My advice: be a friend. Be there for them, encourage positive solutions (counseling, etc, whatever may be appropriate) as long as you are comfortable doing it. Could it ruin any hope of future romance? Sure. But it could also grow your relationship. If at some point you feel uncomfortable or you feel the person doesn't want your involvement, that when the choice becomes more difficult. Good luck to you and your friend.

Thank you, this was very kind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. The crisis began career-related, questioning/dissatisfaction new job and has resulted in significant anxiety/upset/regret about past career decisions and future potential. This bit, which was more like a week of disappointment/minor depression, was compounded exponentially by an incredibly damaging way of dealing with that anxiety. All came crashing down one day, hence the scary messages. Now there is both the career anxiety and the damage from attempted distraction.

Apparently the depth of despair is a one-time, never happened before thing. The coping mechanism for dealing with the anxiety, however, has been an on going problem.

You could have said tthis in the beginning when people asked rather than saying you didn't want to post details. This is essentially the detail people asked about. Nobody is being nosy, you ask for help and then are vague to the point of trying to leave out gender. It's a little annoying. I disagree with a PP, I don't think you sound all that nice.

How can you not know someone you dated for several months? He/she basically showed you what they wanted. I think you come across as rather difficult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. The crisis began career-related, questioning/dissatisfaction new job and has resulted in significant anxiety/upset/regret about past career decisions and future potential. This bit, which was more like a week of disappointment/minor depression, was compounded exponentially by an incredibly damaging way of dealing with that anxiety. All came crashing down one day, hence the scary messages. Now there is both the career anxiety and the damage from attempted distraction.

Apparently the depth of despair is a one-time, never happened before thing. The coping mechanism for dealing with the anxiety, however, has been an on going problem.

You could have said tthis in the beginning when people asked rather than saying you didn't want to post details. This is essentially the detail people asked about. Nobody is being nosy, you ask for help and then are vague to the point of trying to leave out gender. It's a little annoying. I disagree with a PP, I don't think you sound all that nice.

How can you not know someone you dated for several months? He/she basically showed you what they wanted. I think you come across as rather difficult.

OP here. I'm not interested in comment on my character, either positive or negative, especially since you have absolutely no way of knowing anything about my character from this post. But if you feel better for having torn down a stranger you know nothing about on the internet today, then congratulations. If it has made you feel better today, then I'm happy to be the whipping post.

I have been reluctant to post details, as they would be easily identifiable for anyone who knew the situation. I'm regretting even posting this amount of detail and unsure how it changes anything I asked for advice on. I'm not asking for relationship advice, I am simply asking how I could best be supportive to this person and if support was even appropriate in such a new relationship. Thank you, though, for still not offering any helpful insight.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. The crisis began career-related, questioning/dissatisfaction new job and has resulted in significant anxiety/upset/regret about past career decisions and future potential. This bit, which was more like a week of disappointment/minor depression, was compounded exponentially by an incredibly damaging way of dealing with that anxiety. All came crashing down one day, hence the scary messages. Now there is both the career anxiety and the damage from attempted distraction.

Apparently the depth of despair is a one-time, never happened before thing. The coping mechanism for dealing with the anxiety, however, has been an on going problem.

You could have said tthis in the beginning when people asked rather than saying you didn't want to post details. This is essentially the detail people asked about. Nobody is being nosy, you ask for help and then are vague to the point of trying to leave out gender. It's a little annoying. I disagree with a PP, I don't think you sound all that nice.

How can you not know someone you dated for several months? He/she basically showed you what they wanted. I think you come across as rather difficult.

OP here. I'm not interested in comment on my character, either positive or negative, especially since you have absolutely no way of knowing anything about my character from this post. But if you feel better for having torn down a stranger you know nothing about on the internet today, then congratulations. If it has made you feel better today, then I'm happy to be the whipping post.

I have been reluctant to post details, as they would be easily identifiable for anyone who knew the situation. I'm regretting even posting this amount of detail and unsure how it changes anything I asked for advice on. I'm not asking for relationship advice, I am simply asking how I could best be supportive to this person and if support was even appropriate in such a new relationship. Thank you, though, for still not offering any helpful insight.

Some people aren't happy with their life and misery loves company. Just shrug off the haters and ignore the posts. You be you. Were I your friend, I would appreciation the discretion.

[Anonymous]

If he's retreating, you might not have a choice in how involved you can be in his life. Checking in from time to time I'd fine, as long as you are able to maintain zero expectations of him or aren't secretly hoping he'll come around and you'll get back together.

[Anonymous]

OP if the person goes out and gets trashed then that is the habit they need to change / stop in order to deal better with crises in the future.

I know this because my spouse has had breakdowns and it has helped that they do not drink or partake in anything remotely like drinking.

I think you've done what you can. you have let them know you are there if they need to talk. That really is enough. Really.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks to all who were helpful. I'm not inclined to pursue a relationship with this person after this incident, however, I do understand that we all occasionally have a crisis moment and find ourselves in a certain amount of despair, so I'm trying to be understanding. My main concern at this point is how to be helpful, as I do care enough (even if just as a friend) to want to ensure this person is OK and does not feel alone and can get through this rough spot in the short term. Having had a few moments of crisis myself in the past, I would hate to think of having to get through it alone and not have friends if for distraction if nothing else.

Thanks again.

If this person is suffering from an addiction, attend Al-Anon or Nar-Anon meetings to find out how others have handled friends and family members with addiction.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. The crisis began career-related, questioning/dissatisfaction new job and has resulted in significant anxiety/upset/regret about past career decisions and future potential. This bit, which was more like a week of disappointment/minor depression, was compounded exponentially by an incredibly damaging way of dealing with that anxiety. All came crashing down one day, hence the scary messages. Now there is both the career anxiety and the damage from attempted distraction.

Apparently the depth of despair is a one-time, never happened before thing. The coping mechanism for dealing with the anxiety, however, has been an on going problem.

You could have said tthis in the beginning when people asked rather than saying you didn't want to post details. This is essentially the detail people asked about. Nobody is being nosy, you ask for help and then are vague to the point of trying to leave out gender. It's a little annoying. I disagree with a PP, I don't think you sound all that nice.

How can you not know someone you dated for several months? He/she basically showed you what they wanted. I think you come across as rather difficult.

NP reading thread, and this "detail" you craved did exactly what OP thought it would, which is add nothing to the conversation and the question at hand. Your response is ridiculous.

OP, one suggestion not yet suggested is to ask your friend how you should respond. "I want to do what you need - what do you need from me, if anything?" and let them tell your in no uncertain terms how they'd like to be supported rather than guessing. That way you'll be on surer footing and you can be as transparent in your motives as you need to be as well.

[Anonymous]

OP, on the phone, via email or text you very simply say:

" I know you were going through a rough patch and I am not going to push. I know we haven't been together very long and I'm not sure where we fit together especially with this (name event) but I do want you to know that I'm here to talk if you need me. Or if you want you can even just reach out when things settle down, no pressure – I know you're going through a tough time right now."

[Anonymous]

You have spent way to much of your life already on some guys/girls BS. Move on. Who needs this drama.