I get asked constantly when/why I'm not having a second

[Anonymous]

Anyone else dealing with infertility (in my case secondary infertility) get constantly asked if/when they are having a second? I've been dealing with unexplained secondary infertility of 3 years duration and there is basically no chance of ever having another biological child. My son is almost 4. I was out at an indoor play place today with my son and got asked literally 5 times in 2 hours by random moms whether or not I was going to have a second. It's just so upsetting. I reply with "we tried for years but we are unable to" because that shuts the conversation down.

[Anonymous]

It's not about you. We had fertility issues and ended up both being in our late 40's when we had twin boys (who are now 6). We were already very old to begin with (part of why we were willing to implant two, we got two kids before we got even older and we were quite happy to have two) and due to medical issues (my wife is a transplant patient and on immuno-suppression which would be very dangerous for a fetus) we used a surrogate. We are in our 50's with two preschoolers, old enough to be our children's grandparents and it's known that my wife has had medical issues and we STILL get asked repeatedly if we're going to have more children or try for a girl. We just answer "Two and through" (same as "One and done.") and that we are quite happy with the family we have. I don't entertain any further questions on this topic if they come, but most people are willing to move on when I say that.

[Anonymous]

really? this is so profoundly rude... i'm still trying for my first but cant believe people are so intrusive! I think your honest response is a good - it sounds like it at least shuts them up.

[Anonymous]

This drives me crazy...my answer on the "are you going to have a second?" Tends to be the truth which is "no, because DC is my second, our first was stillborn." That normally shocks people I to silence. If they're stupid enough to ask more, I normally say: "are you really asking if/how often/how successfully my DH and I have unprotected sex?" That normally does the job.

[Anonymous]

I HATE the assumption that you should be having more than one child. I loved being an only child! It's incredibly rude for people to ask and it implies there's some reason you should have another...

[Anonymous]

I can see how these questions would be painful in light of infertility, but try not to take it personally. If your son is almost 4, that is prime time for many people having their second, third, whatever. A lot of folks are probably trying to decide if they are going to have another, or are coming to terms with not having another, and its just on their minds. I imagine if you answer briefly and turn it around on them "We can't have another. What about you?" they'll be happy to discuss their feelings on having another child, which is probably what they were hinting at by asking in the first place.

[Anonymous]

I am floored by the number of threads that discuss this problem. I have an only who is six, and this has only happened to me once. Where are all of you finding all of these people who were raised by wolves to think that other people"s reproductive plans are their business?

Your reply is fine, but you should also feel free to use "That's a rather personal question," or raised eyebrows and a pointed silence.

[Anonymous]

I am struggling with secondary infertility too and seriously get asked when we are having a second at least once a week - by colleagues at work, my mom friends on occasion, random moms at the park, my family members. I have an almost 5 year old so it seems like people are concerned I am missing the window vs. thinking I must be happy with just one.

I know many of them ask innocently but I don't understand why anyone needs to inquire ever about people's plans for having one, two, three or 500 kids.

The reality is that when you ask someone when/if they are planning to have a first or another child, there are really one of three reasons they don't currently have that child - they don't want one, they can't, or they aren't ready/just started trying. So why bother asking at all when any of those answers are awkward to give?

[Anonymous]

'Because I'm infertile' has shut up a few particularly persistent Nosey Parkers.

[Anonymous]

I'm a single Mom of 1 and have been asked this a million times. I reply with well if I ever find the right partner....

[Anonymous]

"We're not" (said in a no-nonsense, dead-serious tone) and then immediately change subject to something completely unrelated using a more lighthearted tone. If they persist with questions, use my favorite freeze-out: "That's classified," pause half a beat, then completely change subject.

[Anonymous]

This happens all the time to relatives and friends of mine who have one child. It won't stop. Even when your child is 10. My sister has an only child who's 13 and she still gets asked why she doesn't have a sibling for her child and etc. All the time. It's very annoying to have to justify your choices (or no choices in infertility cases).

We struggled with IF as well and were married for 5 years before our child was born. In those 5 years I got asked ALL the time when we would have children. By family, friends, coworkers, random neighbors. This was while we were struggling to conceive or going through the fertility hormone roller coaster. I tried not to be rude as I know that people don't mean anything bad when they ask, it's a normal question to ask or to wonder about... But it was a constant reminder of our struggles and I sure as hell wasn't going to get into the whole IF conversation with them. So I just sucked it up and said that we will one day. Try not to take it personally though, for your own sanity.

[Anonymous]

I agree that you can't take it personally. It's incredibly rude but happens to everyone along the lines of ..

Dating? When are you engaged?
Engaged? When's the wedding?
Married? When are you having kids?
One kid? When are you having another?
Two kids, same sex? Don't you want to try for a .... ?

etc.

[Anonymous]

I have a 2.5 year old and a sexless marriage. This question is really annoying. I respond with "I don't know" and change the subject.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am floored by the number of threads that discuss this problem. I have an only who is six, and this has only happened to me once. Where are all of you finding all of these people who were raised by wolves to think that other people"s reproductive plans are their business?

Your reply is fine, but you should also feel free to use "That's a rather personal question," or raised eyebrows and a pointed silence.

Sure, plenty of threads on this in other forums,, but this thread was started on this board because lots of folks here don't want or would not choose to be one and done. Entirely different than feeling annoyed because it's your choice but people ask anyway. Even seeing others with more than one (or sometimes just one) is like a punch in the gut.