I get asked constantly when/why I'm not having a second

[Anonymous]

Sorry OP. Can relate. I think in my experience - going through different stages of life and issues -- people just make small talk without thinking or getting that it's insensitive. Like when you're not married and people constantly ask about if you are going to have married. Or after getting divorced, people actually asked me if I was going to get remarried. Or when don't have any children and get asked when you're going to have children, etc. I had a child who died and constantly had people ask me if/when I was going to have children... (either that didn't know or even those that did!!) The latest is people asking about our middle school plans (we live in an area without a high performing middle school). So, for my own sanity, I've tried to refocus on trying to give people the benefit of the doubt that it's just them trying to come up with mindless small talk.

[Anonymous]

Are you going to have another kid?
Probably not, are you?

When are you having your next kid?
What do you mean? I'm not.

Why don't you want another kid?
Why do you ask?

Oh come on! You have to have two! Every kid needs a sibling!
What are you talking about? That's such an antiquated way of thinking! Of course I don't have to do that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can see how these questions would be painful in light of infertility, but try not to take it personally. If your son is almost 4, that is prime time for many people having their second, third, whatever. A lot of folks are probably trying to decide if they are going to have another, or are coming to terms with not having another, and its just on their minds. I imagine if you answer briefly and turn it around on them "We can't have another. What about you?" they'll be happy to discuss their feelings on having another child, which is probably what they were hinting at by asking in the first place.

Yup this.

People are just chatting. When you have little kids, people are curious if you're done building your family or not. Obviously, this can be painful for some people, as it is for you.

When I was struggling to get pregnant with my first child and people would ask "when are you having kids?" I'd say "I don't know" because it was the truth. If they followed that up with something else like "are you having them?" I'd say "yes, we'd like to". If I was close with them, I might share what was going on and how we were struggling. If not, I just kept it brief and simple, but in a way that felt authentic to me.

Part of what infertility taught me is that many of us are battling something hard that's not visible. And it's good to be kind in general but also forgiving of those who might say something that stings without meaning to. You have probably done the same and never even realized it. Ever complained about your mom to someone whose mother has died? That sort of thing.

Be kind, be forgiving.

I'm sorry about your struggles and I hope you find peace soon.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can see how these questions would be painful in light of infertility, but try not to take it personally. If your son is almost 4, that is prime time for many people having their second, third, whatever. A lot of folks are probably trying to decide if they are going to have another, or are coming to terms with not having another, and its just on their minds. I imagine if you answer briefly and turn it around on them "We can't have another. What about you?" they'll be happy to discuss their feelings on having another child, which is probably what they were hinting at by asking in the first place.

Yup this.

People are just chatting. When you have little kids, people are curious if you're done building your family or not. Obviously, this can be painful for some people, as it is for you.

When I was struggling to get pregnant with my first child and people would ask "when are you having kids?" I'd say "I don't know" because it was the truth. If they followed that up with something else like "are you having them?" I'd say "yes, we'd like to". If I was close with them, I might share what was going on and how we were struggling. If not, I just kept it brief and simple, but in a way that felt authentic to me.

Part of what infertility taught me is that many of us are battling something hard that's not visible. And it's good to be kind in general but also forgiving of those who might say something that stings without meaning to. You have probably done the same and never even realized it. Ever complained about your mom to someone whose mother has died? That sort of thing.

Be kind, be forgiving.

I'm sorry about your struggles and I hope you find peace soon.

Very good advice. We all probably say things that are hurtful to others, just because we don't know what's going on in their life.. Or even if we do. My DH lost his mom earlier this year and my Mom comes over weekly. I'm sure it really stings him and hurts, even though we don't mean to hurt him at all. I also had many friends talk about their kids/pregnancies non-stop when I was going through IVF. It sucked and hurt and many times I'd avoid the conversations. But generally people don't mean to hurt us, unless they are psychopaths!

[Anonymous]

It happens to me, too, and I found out very recently that at age 32 I have diminished ovarian reserve. It has therefore become a particularly distressing question. My response is , "We'd love to (have a second), but no luck so far" then steer the conversation in another direction. I wish people were polite enough not to ask, but I figured they always do so best to have a response prepared.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can see how these questions would be painful in light of infertility, but try not to take it personally. If your son is almost 4, that is prime time for many people having their second, third, whatever. A lot of folks are probably trying to decide if they are going to have another, or are coming to terms with not having another, and its just on their minds. I imagine if you answer briefly and turn it around on them "We can't have another. What about you?" they'll be happy to discuss their feelings on having another child, which is probably what they were hinting at by asking in the first place.

Yup this.

People are just chatting. When you have little kids, people are curious if you're done building your family or not. Obviously, this can be painful for some people, as it is for you.

When I was struggling to get pregnant with my first child and people would ask "when are you having kids?" I'd say "I don't know" because it was the truth. If they followed that up with something else like "are you having them?" I'd say "yes, we'd like to". If I was close with them, I might share what was going on and how we were struggling. If not, I just kept it brief and simple, but in a way that felt authentic to me.

Part of what infertility taught me is that many of us are battling something hard that's not visible. And it's good to be kind in general but also forgiving of those who might say something that stings without meaning to. You have probably done the same and never even realized it. Ever complained about your mom to someone whose mother has died? That sort of thing.

Be kind, be forgiving.

I'm sorry about your struggles and I hope you find peace soon.

Well-said, PPs.

We also went through a struggle to have a second child, and, yes, it was painful, but it would have been more so if we'd interpreted every question as intentionally intrusive and hurtful. We all say thoughtless things sometimes -- I hope that, having had this experience, I will do so less often, but I'm sure I'll slip somewhere.

Hang in there, OP.

[Anonymous]

I take PPs points on not assuming the worst of people--it's true that's kind but sometimes people need to have it spelled out that a topic is off limits and won't be tolerated. In those cases, a "this is difficult for me and Id be grateful if you did me the kindness of not asking" is appropriate.

[Anonymous]

I am an only child who loved being an only child, so the question is off the bat insensitive from that perspective. But I also suffer from secondary infertility, and had way too many people ask me intrusive questions about my plans for a second. After my sixth consecutive loss I started saying things like, "oh her siblings are in heaven" just to shut them up, and I am agnostic!

*TRIGGER WARNING*

I am 20 weeks pregnant, this is my 10th pregnancy counting my one living child. A dental hygienist recently commented on my potential age gap while I was sitting in that chair, feeling vulnerable, as one does when their teeth are about to be scraped. She wouldn't stop. "Wow, your daughter is 8! That's quite a gap. Aren't you worried? Are you happy?"

Well, seeing as my daughter has 8 siblings who didn't make it this far, yeah I'd say we're pretty happy right now.

MIC DROP.

Hugs OP. I may be one of the lucky ones who actually brings a second baby into the world, and it's STILL hard.

https://justonemorebaby.blogspot.com