Feel awful - jealous of my brother.

[Anonymous]

Growing up, I was always the high achiever, went to an excellent school, internships all through college, good job after. My brother (while smart, popular, and athletic) is much more laid back-kind of coasted through school, went to average college, worked summers as a bartender.

He has gotten involved in a really niche field post college and loves it/has done very well. He makes an awesome salary with the potential to make a lot more. He has been dating a lovely girl for three years and I assume they will get engaged soon. Meanwhile, I am single (really want a relationship but can't seem to meet anyone) and probably won't even have a date for the wedding. I have a good job but live in a competitive and HIGH cost of living area which makes me feel depressed and behind all the time. I don't really like working and wish I had a job I have a crap about. I am jealous of his life and feel awful for it, because he is a great and very humble guy and I doubt even realizes how awesome his life is.

Just had to vent on here because I feel like a terrible person and can't say this in person.

[Anonymous]

Yeah I'd be jealous too. Hang in there..

[Anonymous]

I'm sure that you are not too old to make a career or another life change if you are unhappy. Especially if you are single. Have you explored another career that may be more stimulating? Taken classes to learn more? Considered a move to another city? Jealousy is a normal feeling but it doesn't get you a better life, only makes you feel like crap.

I'd use your brother's success as an inspiration to do something more with your life in the areas where you are unhappy.

[Anonymous]

Join the Peace Corp. That will give you a 2 year break of watching your brother's life and give you some perspective.

[Anonymous]

Comparison is the thief of joy. Start a gratitude journal and volunteer directly with people who need help (homeless, elderly, etc) Most of all, feel happiness for your brother as you would hope he would feel for you! Life is too short to spend time being jealous.

[Anonymous]

Would you feel better about where you were if his life was in the crapper?

No you wouldn't.

Fix what you want to fix. This has nothing to do with your brother.

[Anonymous]

OP, I feel for you but the best situation would be that you and your brother had great lives, so consider that you are halfway there. First, soul search about what job or situation would bring you alot of happiness. Although I hate travel now, I loved traveling for work when I was in my late 20s. Or get obsessed with biking or jazz or cooking. Find some pleasures both in an outside of work. Time goes by quickly and there are ebbs and flows. Ride the highs and work yourself out of the lows -- and do not compare yourself to others.

[Anonymous]

I feel for you, OP.

However, there are some attitude/behavioral shifts that could increase your satisfaction with your own life. Nothing about your life sounds bad- it sounds great! It is your attitude that is negatively coloring your experience.

From your post, it sounds like you feel you "deserve" the happy life your brother has, and that your brother's success is undeserved because he wasn't as hard-working as you growing up.

All of his success is from active choices he's made. He worked for his job, he works to maintain a healthy relationship, and he works to have the positive, humble attitude you say he does.

You're not in a relationship because you say you can't seem to meet anyone. Why can't you meet anyone? Are you putting yourself out there? Doing online dating, volunteering, being social, going to meetups? If not, it doesn't make sense to mope about something you're not putting effort towards. If you're meeting people and it's never working out, what's the issue? What can you change about how you approach or behave in relationships so that you can actually get what you want?

You have a good job. That's a positive thing! If you're unhappy with it and the area in which you live, why are you still there? Move to another city. Look for another job- you have the resume to get one, as you pointed out.

[Anonymous]

I'm also in my 20s and disappointed that the hard work and sacrifice I put into my education doesn't translate to professional success. I mean, I'm doing fine, but the kids who were lazy students and assholes to the teachers are the real professional success stories. I wish I had known.

[Anonymous]

OP, are you the oldest? Are you a people-plesaer. Speaking from my own experience, I was a high academic achiever, went to the best schools, and always did well in school and in my career. I was always a people-pleaser and measured my success based on other people's guidelines and expectations. I didnt'/don't know how to carve out a space for myself, I struggle to take risks, etc. My brothers and husband on the other hand, who struggled academically, are much better at this. Maybe it's just their nature. Maybe it's because they are guys. Maybe it's because they didn't succeed in traditional ways early and realized they needed to find and determine their own measurements and terms of success. I've tried learning from them because being the teacher's pet A+ student can only take you so far. It doesn't work after age 22 basically.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, are you the oldest? Are you a people-plesaer. Speaking from my own experience, I was a high academic achiever, went to the best schools, and always did well in school and in my career. I was always a people-pleaser and measured my success based on other people's guidelines and expectations. I didnt'/don't know how to carve out a space for myself, I struggle to take risks, etc. My brothers and husband on the other hand, who struggled academically, are much better at this. Maybe it's just their nature. Maybe it's because they are guys. Maybe it's because they didn't succeed in traditional ways early and realized they needed to find and determine their own measurements and terms of success. I've tried learning from them because being the teacher's pet A+ student can only take you so far. It doesn't work after age 22 basically.

x1000

Nailed it. You do you, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel for you, OP.

However, there are some attitude/behavioral shifts that could increase your satisfaction with your own life. Nothing about your life sounds bad- it sounds great! It is your attitude that is negatively coloring your experience.

From your post, it sounds like you feel you "deserve" the happy life your brother has, and that your brother's success is undeserved because he wasn't as hard-working as you growing up.

All of his success is from active choices he's made. He worked for his job, he works to maintain a healthy relationship, and he works to have the positive, humble attitude you say he does.

You're not in a relationship because you say you can't seem to meet anyone. Why can't you meet anyone? Are you putting yourself out there? Doing online dating, volunteering, being social, going to meetups? If not, it doesn't make sense to mope about something you're not putting effort towards. If you're meeting people and it's never working out, what's the issue? What can you change about how you approach or behave in relationships so that you can actually get what you want?

You have a good job. That's a positive thing! If you're unhappy with it and the area in which you live, why are you still there? Move to another city. Look for another job- you have the resume to get one, as you pointed out.

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel for you, OP.

However, there are some attitude/behavioral shifts that could increase your satisfaction with your own life. Nothing about your life sounds bad- it sounds great! It is your attitude that is negatively coloring your experience.

From your post, it sounds like you feel you "deserve" the happy life your brother has, and that your brother's success is undeserved because he wasn't as hard-working as you growing up.

All of his success is from active choices he's made. He worked for his job, he works to maintain a healthy relationship, and he works to have the positive, humble attitude you say he does.

You're not in a relationship because you say you can't seem to meet anyone. Why can't you meet anyone? Are you putting yourself out there? Doing online dating, volunteering, being social, going to meetups? If not, it doesn't make sense to mope about something you're not putting effort towards. If you're meeting people and it's never working out, what's the issue? What can you change about how you approach or behave in relationships so that you can actually get what you want?

You have a good job. That's a positive thing! If you're unhappy with it and the area in which you live, why are you still there? Move to another city. Look for another job- you have the resume to get one, as you pointed out.

This.

No, and I don't want it to come off at all that he isn't deserving of his success. He 100% is! I guess I just would've hoped that my life would've turned out a little differently. I've tried to do everything right as well but....maybe I just suck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, are you the oldest? Are you a people-plesaer. Speaking from my own experience, I was a high academic achiever, went to the best schools, and always did well in school and in my career. I was always a people-pleaser and measured my success based on other people's guidelines and expectations. I didnt'/don't know how to carve out a space for myself, I struggle to take risks, etc. My brothers and husband on the other hand, who struggled academically, are much better at this. Maybe it's just their nature. Maybe it's because they are guys. Maybe it's because they didn't succeed in traditional ways early and realized they needed to find and determine their own measurements and terms of success. I've tried learning from them because being the teacher's pet A+ student can only take you so far. It doesn't work after age 22 basically.

I am the oldest, yes. You make some good points, gives me stuff to think about.

[Anonymous]

OP I have that brother.

I was the class valedictorian, etc top student and now I'm the still junior professor. My brother, the mediocre student found his passion and now is a multimillionaire. It is switched in that I have the DH and kids while he is still workaholic and single but that is also weird because I totally would have pegged it the other way. He is also funnier and better looking than me.

I agree with others that this is more about you than your brother. You should use this opportunity to think about exactly what you want and focus on getting it. Take care of yourself, find and date great guys who are serious about marriage if that's what you want. Think about where you want to go in your career and work for it.

The times my brother bothers me are when I am not feeling good about myself. Really, being a gazillionaire is not on my list of things I need (although admittedly I would only ever be considered middle class on DCUM) so that's ok with me. I see that he has so much power and influence at work but it only bothers me if I am not happy with what I have.

And above all be gracious unless someone is an asshole. Life is too short to waste your respect on a little thing like this. You are still siblings. His success is not about you so don't make your relationship about it.

Good luck. And for people on this board criticizing you, you're just being honest with yourself. Use that honesty to get where you want to go and you'll be better off.