Feel awful - jealous of my brother.

[Anonymous]

In a weird way I feel this way about my DH. He coasted through HS and College/Grad School, barely studying, but doing decently well. He now has a job he loves that has a lot of flexibility and while he's not making the big bucks, it's a good salary. Meanwhile, I have busted my ass the last decade working way more than 9-5 and basically not having time to do the things I like to do.

[Anonymous]

...Or maybe you aren't as great as the teachers said you were; or maybe you were great to them, but not other people? Which is fine, you can still find your "great", just know that it doesn't involve your brother.

I had a friend who lived in a family where there were only high expectations for one (very, very random) child - it was a large family. That child tells the same story as you - she will never be good enough. She has since become addicted to all types of things - multiple (!) elective facial plastic surgeries, cigarettes, alcohol, online shopping - you name it, if it is destructive to the soul (and wallet), she does it. Why? Because she will never be good enough. She is constantly keeping score - especially of family members - and she has enormous control issues (because in reality, nothing is ever in her control). My God, she is still stuck on things that happened almost fifty (!) years ago. Don't let that be you (in one variation or another, I'm just using this story I know as an example).

I am glad for you that you realize that your issues are separate from any way you see your brother. Don't let how you feel ruin your family. It can.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I have that brother.

I was the class valedictorian, etc top student and now I'm the still junior professor. My brother, the mediocre student found his passion and now is a multimillionaire. It is switched in that I have the DH and kids while he is still workaholic and single but that is also weird because I totally would have pegged it the other way. He is also funnier and better looking than me.

I agree with others that this is more about you than your brother. You should use this opportunity to think about exactly what you want and focus on getting it. Take care of yourself, find and date great guys who are serious about marriage if that's what you want. Think about where you want to go in your career and work for it.

The times my brother bothers me are when I am not feeling good about myself. Really, being a gazillionaire is not on my list of things I need (although admittedly I would only ever be considered middle class on DCUM) so that's ok with me. I see that he has so much power and influence at work but it only bothers me if I am not happy with what I have.

And above all be gracious unless someone is an asshole. Life is too short to waste your respect on a little thing like this. You are still siblings. His success is not about you so don't make your relationship about it.

Good luck. And for people on this board criticizing you, you're just being honest with yourself. Use that honesty to get where you want to go and you'll be better off.

+1

I know people who never learned this, and lost their sibling (got cut off) - because they (the person who was jealous and felt slighted) was the a-hole.

[Anonymous]

This is not the whole reason, but there are definitely influences of sexism and the patriarchy. Guys are given more room to not do as well in school and coast along, whereas women have to work harder for less credit. But I agree with a PP who said this has little to do with your brother - you need to take steps to feel better about your own life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Growing up, I was always the high achiever, went to an excellent school, internships all through college, good job after. My brother (while smart, popular, and athletic) is much more laid back-kind of coasted through school, went to average college, worked summers as a bartender.

He has gotten involved in a really niche field post college and loves it/has done very well. He makes an awesome salary with the potential to make a lot more. He has been dating a lovely girl for three years and I assume they will get engaged soon. Meanwhile, I am single (really want a relationship but can't seem to meet anyone) and probably won't even have a date for the wedding. I have a good job but live in a competitive and HIGH cost of living area which makes me feel depressed and behind all the time. I don't really like working and wish I had a job I have a crap about. I am jealous of his life and feel awful for it, because he is a great and very humble guy and I doubt even realizes how awesome his life is.

Just had to vent on here because I feel like a terrible person and can't say this in person.

Jealously is a usless emotion. I understand venting I do. But really you need to put that energy into making changes in your life to make you happier.

Maybe it's moving to a different area where salary and cost of living are more balanced.

Maybe it's changing careers.

Maybe it's finding a hobby.

Maybe it's taking a new approach to dating.

Post college can be difficult for high achievers when things don't go according to " the plan". Instead of bemoaning the fact your life plan isn't what you thought it be or being jealous of your brother. Make a new plan.
You've got this OP. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yeah I'd be jealous too. Hang in there..

I get it. and also know people like this. So much is luck and timing, in addition to being smart, working hard and being in position to capture such luck. Also, life ebbs and flows. I have your background and bounced around different jobs trying to move up, while other people have just sat and vegged and whole industries developed around them. Oh well. Try to be multi-faceted, don't worry about finding a spouse or even getting married, and just try to be in the right place at the right time. Be thankful for your health, money and friends/family. That is really all there is. There are so many fake people and fake relationships, it doesn't even make sense to try to compare. you'll see.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel for you, OP.

However, there are some attitude/behavioral shifts that could increase your satisfaction with your own life. Nothing about your life sounds bad- it sounds great! It is your attitude that is negatively coloring your experience.

From your post, it sounds like you feel you "deserve" the happy life your brother has, and that your brother's success is undeserved because he wasn't as hard-working as you growing up.

All of his success is from active choices he's made. He worked for his job, he works to maintain a healthy relationship, and he works to have the positive, humble attitude you say he does.

You're not in a relationship because you say you can't seem to meet anyone. Why can't you meet anyone? Are you putting yourself out there? Doing online dating, volunteering, being social, going to meetups? If not, it doesn't make sense to mope about something you're not putting effort towards. If you're meeting people and it's never working out, what's the issue? What can you change about how you approach or behave in relationships so that you can actually get what you want?

You have a good job. That's a positive thing! If you're unhappy with it and the area in which you live, why are you still there? Move to another city. Look for another job- you have the resume to get one, as you pointed out.

This.

I actually DISAGREE with the bolded part. The kicker here is people like OP's brother sat back and were passive. And things worked out for them, very well. In life this happens. At least he's not a jerk, or totally ignorant, or out there scamming people.

My husband is like this too. Uncompetitive, easy going, just does his thing, gets A+, and jobs seem to land in his lap. His MO is to "just be nice to everyone and have everyone like you." The other result of this is, he is overworked and never says NO, he has helped more people get super good jobs he should have gotten over himself, and he never knows what's going on that his kids' schools, sports or whathaveyou because he personally doesn't think anything is important.

basically: Ignorance is bliss. you don't know what you're missing, b/c you don't know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel for you, OP.

However, there are some attitude/behavioral shifts that could increase your satisfaction with your own life. Nothing about your life sounds bad- it sounds great! It is your attitude that is negatively coloring your experience.

From your post, it sounds like you feel you "deserve" the happy life your brother has, and that your brother's success is undeserved because he wasn't as hard-working as you growing up.

All of his success is from active choices he's made. He worked for his job, he works to maintain a healthy relationship, and he works to have the positive, humble attitude you say he does.

You're not in a relationship because you say you can't seem to meet anyone. Why can't you meet anyone? Are you putting yourself out there? Doing online dating, volunteering, being social, going to meetups? If not, it doesn't make sense to mope about something you're not putting effort towards. If you're meeting people and it's never working out, what's the issue? What can you change about how you approach or behave in relationships so that you can actually get what you want?

You have a good job. That's a positive thing! If you're unhappy with it and the area in which you live, why are you still there? Move to another city. Look for another job- you have the resume to get one, as you pointed out.

This.

No, and I don't want it to come off at all that he isn't deserving of his success. He 100% is! I guess I just would've hoped that my life would've turned out a little differently. I've tried to do everything right as well but....maybe I just suck.

OP, there's the negative attitude again. No one in this thread has said that you're a bad person. Try cognitive behavioral therapy to help yourself change the distorted thinking patterns that are getting you stuck in this mode of self-pity and self-denigration.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I have that brother.

I was the class valedictorian, etc top student and now I'm the still junior professor. My brother, the mediocre student found his passion and now is a multimillionaire. It is switched in that I have the DH and kids while he is still workaholic and single but that is also weird because I totally would have pegged it the other way. He is also funnier and better looking than me.

I agree with others that this is more about you than your brother. You should use this opportunity to think about exactly what you want and focus on getting it. Take care of yourself, find and date great guys who are serious about marriage if that's what you want. Think about where you want to go in your career and work for it.

The times my brother bothers me are when I am not feeling good about myself. Really, being a gazillionaire is not on my list of things I need (although admittedly I would only ever be considered middle class on DCUM) so that's ok with me. I see that he has so much power and influence at work but it only bothers me if I am not happy with what I have.

And above all be gracious unless someone is an asshole. Life is too short to waste your respect on a little thing like this. You are still siblings. His success is not about you so don't make your relationship about it.

Good luck. And for people on this board criticizing you, you're just being honest with yourself. Use that honesty to get where you want to go and you'll be better off.

Have you read the other responses? There isn't a single one criticizing the OP, unless you view even constructive criticism as mean-spirited.

[Anonymous]

OP here: thank you all for the kind words. I do appreciate people taking the time to offer feedback/advice. And I don't take any of this as critical so thank you again for being kind.

[Anonymous]

Move to Denver,(I mean your equivalent of what Denver means to me.... relaxed, nice people, still good life style) first of course, find a job there. You'll be surprised how much more laid back you can be where you are in a laid back place. DC area sucks the life out of you. I go back there for 4 days and feel like life is great and dread coming back here. Wish you the best.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is not the whole reason, but there are definitely influences of sexism and the patriarchy. Guys are given more room to not do as well in school and coast along, whereas women have to work harder for less credit. But I agree with a PP who said this has little to do with your brother - you need to take steps to feel better about your own life.

Eh. I'm kinds like the brother in this situation- and I am a girl/woman. Smart but was an underachiever. Never really studied. Teachers, then professors, and now employers like my personality and problem solving skills and that has taken me far. I even ended up marrying a person who is the same way- so an extra bonus.

[Anonymous]

I can't imagine being jealous of a sibling or anyone else for that matter. You are who you are.

My sister had that jealousy streak and it was her ugliest attribute. I remember being at her friend's house once, a beautiful custom built home that was something out of an architectural magazine. When we were leaving the house my sister said the girl didn't deserve that home, SHE did. And she said it with such venom. It opened my eyes for sure. Haven't spoken to her since.

Jealousy is envy's evil cousin.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can't imagine being jealous of a sibling or anyone else for that matter. You are who you are.

My sister had that jealousy streak and it was her ugliest attribute. I remember being at her friend's house once, a beautiful custom built home that was something out of an architectural magazine. When we were leaving the house my sister said the girl didn't deserve that home, SHE did. And she said it with such venom. It opened my eyes for sure. Haven't spoken to her since.

Jealousy is envy's evil cousin.

+1

Lots of people feel this way. You were smart to run from her - she sounds very immature and ugly.

[Anonymous]

OP I think I am a little older than you based on this post, but I have a similar dynamic with my brother. I was always the overachiever who worked really hard and he kind of slid by but the opposite is true now.

Do you think your parents feed/fed into it? Mine did/do and that was the root of a lot of the jealousy for me. I worked on this issue in therapy because I really didn't want my feelings to sour my relationship with him, and I think it was a good move for me. You might want to consider that!