Cannot STAND my nephews!

[Anonymous]

So I adore my brother and sister-in-law, but I cannot stand their kids – their behavior is horrendous and every time my kids are around them my kids start emulating their behavior. I have started to refuse all invitations from them but we live very close to each other and it's getting extremely difficult to refuse almost weekly invitations to do things together.
What would you do in the situation? I've used all excuses under the sun, too busy with activities, illnesses, our kids have different interests, but I'm running out of valid reasons to not see them. I think brutal honesty would severely damage our relationship.
Thoughts? Ideas? Thanks. This is stressful.

[Anonymous]

How old are your nephews? How old are your kids? How long have you lived very close to each other?

[Anonymous]

Be less brutal and leave it at you don't feel that your kids play well together, so you'd rather not do play dates. You don't have to "blame", just be a little more honest to shut down further requests.

[Anonymous]

You can be honest without being brutally honest.

Just take your brother aside and have a quick conversation with him. Don't include SIL.
Don't put the responsibility for your kids behavior on his kids. That won't have a good outcome.

Just say something like. "When our kids get together they seem to rile each other up until the situation gets out of control. I think is great that they like spending time together but I need your help calming them all down them down when they get out of control".

Then you get together and when things start going off the rails, tell your brother this is what you mean and ask him to help get all the kids to behave. If that doesn't work, you have tried and that is all you can do for now and maybe things will change as the kids get older.

[Anonymous]

There is no good way you can tell your brother that you love him but you can't be around your nephews and the cousins can't play together.

There isn't.

You however can deal with your the behavior of your kids. A good skill to hone for you and them because you aren't going to be able to get to 18 avoiding everyone who "riles" the boys up.

1. Before you go set the expectations for your boys and let them know the consequences. Don't be afraid to give a time out or whatever you do in front of your brother and SIL.

2. Don't be afraid to leave if your boys behavior is that unacceptable go home.

3. Maybe, just maybe adjust your expectations a little kid need to get a little wild sometimes. It's developmentally appropriate so let them. Maybe not in the living room, but the backyard and the playroom have at it.

[Anonymous]

How old are the kids? (your kids and his)

Do you have all girls?

Are your kids younger? Preschool-kindergarten and his kids are older and in elementary?

What are some examples of the "out of control" behavior? Running, giggling, getting loud and silly? Fighting, swearing and breaking things?

If the dynamics are that your kids are younger, I would tread carefully. What you might view as out of control behavior as a parent of preschool might very well be the perfectly normal behavior that your kid is going to start doing in a few years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How old are the kids? (your kids and his)

Do you have all girls?

Are your kids younger? Preschool-kindergarten and his kids are older and in elementary?

What are some examples of the "out of control" behavior? Running, giggling, getting loud and silly? Fighting, swearing and breaking things?

If the dynamics are that your kids are younger, I would tread carefully. What you might view as out of control behavior as a parent of preschool might very well be the perfectly normal behavior that your kid is going to start doing in a few years.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can be honest without being brutally honest.

Just take your brother aside and have a quick conversation with him. Don't include SIL.
Don't put the responsibility for your kids behavior on his kids. That won't have a good outcome.

Just say something like. "When our kids get together they seem to rile each other up until the situation gets out of control. I think is great that they like spending time together but I need your help calming them all down them down when they get out of control".

Then you get together and when things start going off the rails, tell your brother this is what you mean and ask him to help get all the kids to behave. If that doesn't work, you have tried and that is all you can do for now and maybe things will change as the kids get older.

This is the approach that I would take, too. I also have no problem setting a different standard of behavior for my kids than others do for theirs - not killjoy levels, but there is not a circumstance in which, for example, jumping on the couch or harassing a pet is okay.

I am also wondering how old the kids involved are? Honestly, I did not care for one of my nephews as a child for similar reasons (and parents who couldn't locate discipline with the world's most precise GPS), but he's matured a lot and grown into a really nice young man. I enjoy spending time with him now.

[Anonymous]

OP, please come back and give us the details requested by PPs above. The ages of the kids involved matters a lot here, I think.

Meanwhile, take care that you don't burn a bridge now because behaviors change a lot as kids get older. What is currently awful behavior that riles up your own kids could change and your nephews might be OK for your kids to be around in a very few years or even a few months. And by the time your nephews are tweens/teens they could be nice guys who are good role models for your kids. Sure, it may not happen, but what you'd consider horrible behavior now (unless they're already tweens/teens--?!) may be gone eventually.

I am not saying to subject your kids or yourself to behavior that's not acceptable now, in hopes that eventually the nephews will behave ideally. Don't do that.

Do set expectations for your own kids' behaviors based on what you already know about how your nephews are likely to behave: "Remember last week when we saw Josh and Sam and they did X, and I had to make all of you stop?" (Yes, mom....) "Well, we're going over there this afternoon. If Josh and Sam do X again, it's time for us to leave." or whatever works. If your own kids get riled and act up -- follow through and leave with them, immediately. Tell your brother or SIL that your kids are learning to be good guests and when they can't behave it shows it's time to go home. Don't blame their kids even if their kids really do egg yours on. Just be brief and put the focus on "we're working with behavior on our kids, thanks for understanding!" and depart quickly.

And control the situations -- do you and your kids go to their house to hang out or they come to you, and it's unstructured, "You kids go play now" time? I would avoid that for a while to come. Issue inivitations for specific events where the kids all can focus on something besides each other, and must be monitored a bit more by all the adults, such as going to a festival or kids' concert or playing mini golf or whatever.

If the nephews act up in a place that is not your home or their home, it is far easier to say, "The kids seem to be getting tired and oh my, I see it's nearly X o'clock--Sally has (whatever) at Y o'clock, so we should hit the road." Always have a reason in your pocket.

I do think that if you and your brother are close, and he is a person who can see his own kids somewhat objectively, you could talk to him about it. I would talk to him and let him decide how to address it with his wife. And I'd stick to what others here have said -- make any comment to him along the lines of, "The kids are at such different stages of interests/behaviors/energy levels right now, let's see about getting them together when they all have an activity to do rather than just hanging out." Tailor as needed.

But the ages and genders of the kids really do matter....so what are they?

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't cut them off and refuse invites unless someone was in danger. You should discipline them or whatever you feel you need to do to make time around them more acceptable. That's what I would do. Handle things in the moment as much as possible, correct them, rather than avoiding confrontation and dwelling later.

[Anonymous]

I bet you are a mom of girls. My brother thought my boys were little hellions when they were young. I have civilized them mostly now.

I can't wait until his girls are teenagers!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: So I adore my brother and sister-in-law, but I cannot stand their kids – their behavior is horrendous and every time my kids are around them my kids start emulating their behavior. I have started to refuse all invitations from them but we live very close to each other and it's getting extremely difficult to refuse almost weekly invitations to do things together.
What would you do in the situation? I've used all excuses under the sun, too busy with activities, illnesses, our kids have different interests, but I'm running out of valid reasons to not see them. I think brutal honesty would severely damage our relationship.
Thoughts? Ideas? Thanks. This is stressful.

We need more info OP. Also, their kids are not responsible for your kids behavior. If you KNOW your kids start emulating, that is when you tell them that behavior doesn't fly in your house.

I agree with the others that say if your kids are younger, just bite your tongue. I have a great friend whose son was really sheltered and lived with a bunch of adults overseas. We got together shortly after they returned and everything my kids did clearly got on her nerves. She didn't say anything...but, her body language was LOUD. We just held off on the playdates. Fast forward two years and now that HER child acts more like a child (vs a mini-adult), things are all good.

[Anonymous]

Yep, OP, more details. Not enough info here to tell us if anyone is actually misbehaving, or if the kids just have different personality types and temperaments.

For example, if your kids typically like to sit and read books and their cousins like to strip down to their underwear and run around outside in the mud while screaming and whacking each other with foam noodles and then your kids decide to join in, that is not an example of anyone misbehaving.

[Anonymous]

Op here.
Nephews ages range 4-10.
My kids are 3.5 and 7. (Boy and girl)
Examples of the misbehavior are pinching, kicking, hitting...complete disregard for another kids comfort level, scaring them deliberately to the point of making the younger child cry. Also blatant disrespect and disregard for parental authority.

[Anonymous]

Based on your follow up post I can't believe they don't already know there is a problem. What do you do every time they engage in these behaviors? Are you and your husband not saying anything? I'd sure step in if they're not saying anything and they will get a clue then.