Feeling seriously disconnected from spouse... Experience divorcing with a toddler?

[Anonymous]

I think I might be done. So sad for DC.

[Anonymous]

Then reconnect

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Then reconnect

This.

I honestly think most people go through bouts of feeling disconnected. The difference between couples who make it and those that don't is this: couples that try have a decent shot at making. So, try to reconnect.

Divorcing with a toddler isn't likely to make your life easier or happier, BTW. You will be alone and struggling (on many levels). There's no downside to trying to fix your marriage.

[Anonymous]

Seriously, this is your persistence OP? No wonder we're falling off the rails in this country. Your relationship gets hard or gets boring or presents some challenges and you're askIng about divorce??? I've been married for 25 years. We are a very strong couple. But hell if there have not been waves where we've struggled, felt disconnected and had to dig deep to get through some rough spots.

Grow up. Take some responsibility for the marriage you entered and more importantly for the child you brought into this world. Work with your spouse to figure out how to reconnect. Go to a marriage counselor, alone or together. Take a look at how you're contributing to this. Do something. Your toddler deserves a lot more than this apathy.

[Anonymous]

I'm very sorry OP. Have you tried couples therapy To see if you can reconnect? That was very helpful for me and DH when we went through a similar period. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

OP, tell us about the cute guy at work or how you husband beats you with one hand while snorting coke off the stripper he's boning.

[Anonymous]

DH is a great father and a good person. I am probably the problem.

Yes, I got fat and cut my hair and we never have sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Seriously, this is your persistence OP? No wonder we're falling off the rails in this country. Your relationship gets hard or gets boring or presents some challenges and you're askIng about divorce??? I've been married for 25 years. We are a very strong couple. But hell if there have not been waves where we've struggled, felt disconnected and had to dig deep to get through some rough spots.

Grow up. Take some responsibility for the marriage you entered and more importantly for the child you brought into this world. Work with your spouse to figure out how to reconnect. Go to a marriage counselor, alone or together. Take a look at how you're contributing to this. Do something. Your toddler deserves a lot more than this apathy.

I have been married 20 years. I agree with this. We don't just quit because we are disconnected. There are definitely waves as the PP said.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH is a great father and a good person. I am probably the problem.

Yes, I got fat and cut my hair and we never have sex.

Are you OP?

[Anonymous]

Work at reconnecting. Marriage is a while lot of manual labor.

[Anonymous]

Make time for him. Get a babysitter. Go have a drink together. Go bowling. Make sure you are having sex. Go for a bike ride. Do something crazy (eg skydiving). Start looking him in the eyes. Real kissing. Showers together. Fingers together. Same bedtime. 5 love languages.

[Anonymous]

It's normal to get disconnected when you have a baby/toddler who nature has designed to bombard you with neediness so that they can survive.

Don't panic. You can reconnect. Do what people here are suggesting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH is a great father and a good person. I am probably the problem.

Yes, I got fat and cut my hair and we never have sex.

Is this you OP?

If it is it sounds like your depressed. Depression can make the most normal of relationships seem challenging, it makes you feel discoonected from everyone. Divorcing your husband won't make your depression go away.

First step deal with your depression, talk to your PCP, medication, counseling etc.

Make time for each other. Have a ritual, maybe get up early and have a cup of coffee together, or share a glass of wine before bed. Go on "dates" meet each other for lunch once a week. If you are able get a babysitter one evening a month and go dancing or something you like to do ( I would adbise against a movie).

Start having sex again. You'll probably have to schedule it, but sex is a huge connector for couples, so once a week Sunday at 10 is sex time. then incresase it two twice a week.

Communicate with each other, I don't just mean about the kid or what needs to be done around the house, mention something thoughtful to him, I promise you he'll soon return the favor. Reach out and touch him, his, back, hand etc. when you're passing by.

If they're are deep issues between consider speaking with a counselor to help mediate and resolve them.

[Anonymous]

Thanks for the advice, both not to panic and the more concrete ideas for re-connecting with DH.

I am the OP, and yes also the PP who admitted that I've gained weight post-baby and feel zero desire, for anyone, not just DH.

I used to be very confident, zero jealousy (to the point of having fun threesomes with DH.) Anyway suffice to say, DH and I had a rocking sex life pre-baby. Now I feel intensely uncomfortable about the idea that he may be attracted to or into other women but I don't want to have sex with him either. I know this is not fair and can't continue indefinitely.

I do feel like I've lost my mojo. I feel the pressure of working fulltime and wanting to be home asap after work to be with my child for an hour or so at night.

I think first step will be to start taking an hour for myself in the evening a few times a week to work out, or even take a walk with a friend, and try some therapy on my own.

Thanks DCUM

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for the advice, both not to panic and the more concrete ideas for re-connecting with DH.

I am the OP, and yes also the PP who admitted that I've gained weight post-baby and feel zero desire, for anyone, not just DH.

I used to be very confident, zero jealousy (to the point of having fun threesomes with DH.) Anyway suffice to say, DH and I had a rocking sex life pre-baby. Now I feel intensely uncomfortable about the idea that he may be attracted to or into other women but I don't want to have sex with him either. I know this is not fair and can't continue indefinitely.

I do feel like I've lost my mojo. I feel the pressure of working fulltime and wanting to be home asap after work to be with my child for an hour or so at night.

I think first step will be to start taking an hour for myself in the evening a few times a week to work out, or even take a walk with a friend, and try some therapy on my own.

Thanks DCUM

Self care is important. Men are not complicated. Have sex with him. Everyone goes though periods of being attracted to ther people. Key is not to act on those and not let it hinder your actual relationship. He just wants to get laid by his wife who he had an awesome sex life with. Toddlers are hard. Adult responsibilities are a drain. Your marriage can be a place of positive amongst everything. Try to reconnect. Take a walk together, hike, new restaurant dor dessert after baby goes to bed with a babysitter. Shower together. Etc. you are the same people as before just with more stuff piled on you to worry about. Good luck and hugs.