Morning After a Big Fight
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Anonymous
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So last night DH and I had a big argument. We have been married 30 years and usually do not argue. For the most part it was a stupid argument but as usual, I tend to throw in larger issues.
He called me a b*tch and said FU. Really hurt my feelings. So do I just pretend it never happened? Should we both admit we said things we should not? What do you all do? |
Anonymous
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I'm sure you know better than me, and you likely should be giving me advice after 30 years! But here's how it usually goes down for us:
One person initiates a conversation by apologizing for their part of the argument. "I'm sorry for bringing the finances into our discussion yesterday. It wasn't the topic, and I can see that it made the conversation more heated than it needed to be. I'd like to put that behind us and not have the argument hanging over us this weekend." The other person usually apologizes for their part too. I'd say about 10% of the time, the other person either doesn't accept or says something shitty, and it can reopen the whole argument. That's a real moment of regret when it happens. If it does, usually we'll do something like, "This is obviously still a sore topic. Rather than have the fight all over again, I'd rather just let it sit for a couple days. Can we agree to disagree for now?" There's usually kind of an awkward vibe for anywhere from a few hours to a few days, depending on how big the fight was. It sucks. But we ride it out, and the sooner we do stuff together again, the faster it goes away. Going to see a movie is usually a good thing to do for us, because you don't actually have to talk, but you're in close physical proximity and it gives you something light to talk about. I read in a John gottman book that physical touch/closeness during a fight really brings down the intensity, and I have found that to be true. When we're disagreeing now, we try to sit on the couch and at least have one hand on the other's arm or leg. It can be awkward, all you want to do is get away, but it really seems to help keep the energy low, vs standing and yelling across a room. |
Anonymous
| I don't like name calling. Sure you usually do not fight? |
Anonymous
| Are you a b*tch? |
Anonymous
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Thanks 9:36, good advice.
9:38 -- no we don't. he also called me unstable after I chose to scream like a banshee about how I was sorry his back was sore all week but try being in chronic pain for 20 years as I have been. Told me to feel free to go see someone as it sounded like I had a lot of pent up anger. ((SIGH)) |
Anonymous
| Well, you DO sound like a bitch. Maybe try to work on that |
Anonymous
I also have chronic pain. At best, it's a steady ache in my neck. At it's worse, I can't hold my head up straight. Most days Im somewhere in between. That doesn't mean that no one in my life is allowed to complain about their temporary pain just because I have chronic pain. You sound over dramatic and a miserable shrew. No wonder DH called you a bitch, you certainly act like one. |
Anonymous
If he is not used to being in pain, is it possible it was the pain talking? Not making excuses. Im sorry to hear you have chronic pain issues. Thats a terrible drain on ones resources. Look, clearly you guys need to talk, but my advice definitely is in line with 9:36. You mention "bigger issues". Whatever those are, they need their own talking time. Probably best left for way later, apologies now could center more around the little things that were not worth arguing about. Maybe go do something together for the heck of it? Dinner and a movie? Lunch? WHatever. Just something different. "(honey) I think we both need to go do something fun for a change." As for the name calling, that is really bad. He may be shocked himself. I dont know. You need to address it. I suggest focusing on what he was feeling when he called you that, as opposed to him calling you that. Let HIM apologize for that rather than making him. |
Anonymous
| I've wanted to call my sister a bitch before. Sorry , but sometimes people are just being a bitch. OP shouldnt decide that her husband is some awful person for calling her a bitch. Instead she needs to figure out if she is one. |
Anonymous
| I think you both were wrong. Apologize and see if he does too. It was wrong to minimize his pain. When people are uncomfortable, they say stupid things. Sounds like you both did. |
Anonymous
| You need to make up and apologize before the next day. Don't go to sleep on a fight. Ever. |
Anonymous
My husband and I have been married 14 years and the other day during a rare fight, he told me I was quote "acting like an unstable psycho." Lol. We both apologized later. It happens sometimes when you've lived with someone for many years! |
Anonymous
| Make up sex, people, come on! It's so simple. |
Anonymous
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OP here. Thanks everyone. We ended up having a good day yesterday, best in a while. We ran some errands and had lunch. But most important we talked a lot.
He shared all of his stressors and I shared mine. We both apologized. One bad fight every 10 years is not so bad. In some ways it really cleared the air. |
Anonymous
I second the recommendation not to go to bed angry. Every time we've done that, we both wake up with a fight hangover and it is awful. I will say that fights that come from little things for us are almost always predictive of bigger issues brewing. Like, we can start in a dumb argument over a parking ticket that didn't get paid, and the reason it's a big deal is not the extra charges but some other major stressor. When I feel a fight escalating, I try to take a step back and ask what's really going on here. What are we really upset about? What the real issue? Once we manage to talk about that, it's usually easier to move on, and like you said, the clearing of the air is helpful too. |