Sister not speaking to me - how wrong was I?

[Anonymous]

I'll try to make this short - sister (42) has always been a worrier, full of anxiety. She can worry herself to death over nothing really. This past school year, a new girl moved into her daughter's 5th grade class. All was fine until it wasn't basically. Turns out this girl is a flat out mean girl. She bullied my niece for about the last three months of school. Sister tried to meet with the teacher, but the teacher refused to see the problem. Skip ahead to the last weekend before school - girls at separate birthday parties with one girl bridging the two parties. That one girl went from one party to the next and told the mean girl that my niece was talking smack about her the whole time and that my sister talked smack about her. My sister wasn't there other than to drop off my niece. Niece never said anything about bully except "things just didn't work out" which was corroborated by mom hosting the party, and what my sister taught her to say.

OK, so that's the basics. Mean girl's apple doesn't fall far from the tree. That Sunday evening, she sends a seriously nutty email to my niece's teacher, cc's my sister, saying how awful my sister is, how my niece is a "lost cause until her mother changes her ways" and that my sister bullies kids like hers. It was really crazy. My sister FREAKS THE HELL OUT. She responded initially saying nothing could be further from the truth, then responds again saying she checked with the homeowner and it never happened, etc. At that point, I figured the drama was done.

Not by a long shot. I must have had 25 conversations about this bully and her mom. Then (sorry, I know this is convoluted) she loses her mind, calls me CRYING because the bridge girl had a play date with one of my niece's friends who knew the whole story. That was it. One kid, not her own, had a play date with another kid, not her own, and this sends her into a crying fit, talking about how she's traumatized.

You get the picture. I shut that crap down, saying I won't indulge this anymore, analyzing everyone's every move and word in emails, it's not healthy, get over it, get medication for your anxiety.

She's not speaking to me now. How bad was it that I finally cracked and said I won't listen to it anymore?? I feel really bad. I know she's full of anxiety but I feel like I was just fueling it, and when she freaked over a play date not even involving her kid, that was the last straw for me.

P.S. Niece is fine and having a great summer, utterly unfazed by any of the mean girl's crap.

[Anonymous]

You were right. Your sister needs to move on.

[Anonymous]

I lost you between page 2 and page 3... Exactly what is YOUR involvement in this??

[Anonymous]

It sounds like your sister IS the cause of all the drama, calling teachers, raising issues, stop for a second and you will see it looks exactly like that to the mom of the girl who they claim is a bully. Let's say that girl is a bully, her mom might be blind to it just like so many are. And then she hears that this other mom is saying all these things, that your niece is saying all these things about her and she is right, your sister and niece are saying all these things. You are right, your sister is drama queen, she is creating drama for her daughter, if she didn't go around acting like a teen, actual teens would have sorted this out long ago. Your sister is mad because truth hurts. And no way, your niece and sister are not talking about this to all and sundry.

[Anonymous]

Yeah your sister is ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I lost you between page 2 and page 3... Exactly what is YOUR involvement in this??

From what I gathered her involvement is that she is listening day in and day out to her adult sister gossiping teen girl and her teen daughter over nothing. Yes, that would be tiring and I would have shut it down long ago. Basically her sister never grew out of teen drama age herself. That is the worst kind of parent to deal with.

[Anonymous]

Please be kind to your sister. When someone who is anxious is actively freaking out, the best way to help is to speak calmly and reassuringly and encourage her to take some deep breaths to slow the panic. Then you can try to talk sense into them.

[Anonymous]

I'm curious OP -did you tell your sister that her behavior also looks like bullying to others? Does she acknowledge that her bad-mouthing the other child and mom is out of bounds? Plus, she encouraged her own DD to do it.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like your sister is going through peri menopause which exacerbates anxiety and mood shifts. She neeeds to see a doctor about that and recognize a lot of her feelings are out of her control but she still needs to reign them in and not act like a crazy person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm curious OP -did you tell your sister that her behavior also looks like bullying to others? Does she acknowledge that her bad-mouthing the other child and mom is out of bounds? Plus, she encouraged her own DD to do it.

To the first point, yes I did actually. I said you better watch out because you're teetering on looking like the bully here the more you talk about it. As to the second point, no, my niece is actually very zen. She was told by my sister, when question about mean girl to say "things just didn't work out." She's actually a really sweet, even keeled girl. She's being the grown up here to be very honest.

[Anonymous]

Good lord OP. Dramatic tendencies seem to run in the family. You had 25 conversations with your sister about this and then yelled at her?

Next time you should tell her MUCH earlier, like in conversation # 4, in a calm voice, that you can see how upsetting this is but there's nothing you can do about it and you don't think that talking about it again is going to help. Then change the subject.

For right now, I think you should apologize for raising your voice/shouting/losing it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like your sister is going through peri menopause which exacerbates anxiety and mood shifts. She neeeds to see a doctor about that and recognize a lot of her feelings are out of her control but she still needs to reign them in and not act like a crazy person.

This was my thought too (OP here). So while I truncated our conversation, I did tell her that going to see a doctor would be a good idea to get a handle on things because right now, things are just not healthy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Good lord OP. Dramatic tendencies seem to run in the family. You had 25 conversations with your sister about this and then yelled at her?

Next time you should tell her MUCH earlier, like in conversation # 4, in a calm voice, that you can see how upsetting this is but there's nothing you can do about it and you don't think that talking about it again is going to help. Then change the subject.

For right now, I think you should apologize for raising your voice/shouting/losing it.

Where did I say I raised my voice, shouted, or lost it? I said I shut it down. My sister and I generally talk once a day/every other day. Your tactics weren't working. I did say all of this. That's how fixated she's been on it. She brings up it every. single. time. I can't control that.

[Anonymous]

Oh goodness, OP. This is at tough one. I have anxiety similar to your sister's though maybe not quite as bad. And as an adult I went through something like your niece did. Unfortunately these mean girl trouble-maker types exist at all ages. Anyway, I should've been able to handle it better as a woman, but I felt so vulnerable and alone and rejected because of my anxiety that I just couldn't and it led to depression. She's basically feeling like everyone is talking about her daughter and her and everyone believes all the crazy stuff that other mom is saying and that she will now be ostracized by the community. It's not true, but it feels real.

Somehow, she needs to be able to gain perspective that this is one small crazy person and no one wants to get involved in that crazy person's drama. That sensible people will judge her and her daughter based on what they actually say and do, not on crazy rumors and accusations. That the people who take any of the crap seriously are probably not worth her time. Help her to be more discerning and not constantly seeking approval/acceptance. I guarantee that's part of her issues.

She also needs to know that she isn't despised and detested and hated. Though I don't think you were wrong, what you did may have felt like you rejecting her along with everyone else. If there are other ways to show that you love her without indulging her obsession, please try them. Try not to be angry with her. It's very hard for a person like her (and me!) to have perspective until more time passes. In the meantime do what you can to create new memories and take her out of one context, so that she sees there's a lot more to her life.

[Anonymous]

Your sister definitely needs to work on her anxiety, either by herself or with a therapist or by talking with her doctor.

You must also find another way of dealing with it - you can't enable her for a long time then explode. So when you two are speaking again, make sure you check yourself, and when she starts hyperfocusing on something, tell her you can't discuss it anymore and change the subject.